Why I Want To Marry A (Jewish?) Lesbian
Long promised, finally delivered. Help me be a better blogger. I know you’re out there reading, but I never hear from you. That makes it harder for me to stay motivated to post regular updates. So if you appreciate this blog, drop me a line and let me know!
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One of the many things that turned me off from my father’s religion at a very young age was that heaven didn’t sound like very much fun. We’re supposed to go through this life and make all of these difficult sacrifices, and for what? To get to heaven so we can sit around and worship God all day? Wait, isn’t that supposed to be what we just did? Dude’s got a ego problem, needing eternal and unrelenting praise.
Or we get to see our dead relatives? I’ve had enough of those folks right here on earth, thank you very much. Streets made of gold? Might be heaven for Donald Trump, but I’ll pass. No more sickness? No more death? Great. We’re alive and healthy forever...to do what? The ancient Israelites were trying to get to the land of milk and honey. I can go to the grocery store and get as much milk and honey as I want. Though if this inflation keeps up…
But heaven just didn’t sound that awesome. So what gives?
The answers to these rhetorical questions are obvious. The Biblical descriptions of the Promised Land and the hereafter were written to appeal to people living thousands of years ago, before technology solved a lot of problems that were then unsolvable. That heaven is obsolete.
It wasn’t until my mid-30s that I became comfortable with the idea that I could conceive of my own heaven, my own ideal. If some infinite power said, “Michael, you’ve done a good job with your life. You can have anything you want.”, what would I want?
I dealt in part with that question in my last piece about porn. But what I wanted in terms of sexuality was only a small part of what I wanted out of life. That was a part of why I was fascinated with pornstars—the idea that they might be, MIGHT be, women who could have sex without ending up feeling emotionally injured by it, and this was a big part of what I wanted. I still wrestled with the Andrea Dworkin/Catherine McKinnon philosophy that all sex is violence perpetrated upon women by men, and hence, having survived nine years without sex, I was wrestling with the idea of “soft celibacy”. What is “soft celibacy”?
For years, I had a sort of mantra I used to scribble in the margins of my notebooks and type into blank Microsoft Word documents and stare at it: “If I could conquer my desire, I would become a god.”. I felt like I was destined to failure in love, and my pursuits of girls were just a time-wasting, energy-draining, heartbreaking distraction that I needed to cut out of my life. I told myself I should pour all my energy into getting rich, and then I could buy a harem if I felt like it.
I only felt moreso this way when I got older and realized that girls for the most part didn’t just want rich men for their money. They actually did love them. Of course you’re going to love someone who has the power to change your life and wants to do it for you. Of course, you’re going to love someone who has made a tremendous impact on the world.
I wanted to be able to stop chasing them, but my attraction to girls, intellectually, emotionally and physically, was too strong to suppress. The irony is, I’ve actually had many many men over the course of my life say, “You must have low sex drive” and stop just short of calling me gay because I said that I wasn’t willing to lie to, manipulate or abuse women to get sex. The way other guys protrayed it, their sex drive was so strong that it overwhelmed all moral pretenses and turned them into uncontrollable sex fiends. But I was confused…
I have three sisters; ten, nine and eight years older than me. So when I was just coming into consciousness of the world, they were teenagers, going through the painful experiences with boys that most girls have in those years (and far too often, all their lives). I listened to them and I gelt their pain. I read my sisiters’ Cosmopolitan, Seventeen and Essence magazines. This, combined with my mother’s schizophrenia-fueled rants about my father’s infidelities—real and imagined—cemented in me at about 7 or 8 years old the commitment to be a different kind of man.
Women complained about infidelity. I resolved that I would never cheat. Women complained that men didn’t communicate and weren’t in touch with their feelings. I learned to know myself and communicate well. Women complained that men were too violent. I resolved to avoid violence except if absolutely necessary (and I’ve found that it almost never is if you use your head). Women complained about bearing an unfair share of the burden of domestic tasks, so I learned to cook, and clean and do laundry. I even know how to sew. All you actresses, it’s Oscar night and your dress tears at the last minute? I can fix it.
Women complained about men being chauvinists. I resolved to always treat girls as equals. Deep down, I was actually a female supremacist. I thought women were actually objectively better: smarter, less violent, more loving, and of course, more beautiful.
But then, I grew up and discovered that all the male traits that women complained about were the traits that they gravitated to in men. This left me so hurt and confused that at times I flirted with the dark, misogynistic thinking that characterizes most of the “incel” movement. But I could never fully go down that path…
No matter how much they wounded me, I loved girls with a boundless passion, and the thought of a life without them was a nightmare. From my earliest years, I felt like almost all boys were simple, stupid, violent jerks, while women were beautiful, smart, kind(er), and fascinatingly complex.
But they weren’t attracted to men like me, and until I got much older, I couldn’t understand it. The lack of any romantic success with girls (though I always had lots of female friends) led me to question myself in profound ways.
I’ve never really felt like a man. Never. In the 80s when I wad a little kid, before transpeople had entered the popular consciousness, I thought that I was fundamentally different from other boys. I didn’t think I was a girl either. They were far too mysterious to me for me to be one of them. Today maybe I would be properly categorized as queer. I’m a super-girlish man who is attracted to girls and hates most aspects of what defines manhood in our society.
However, one result was that well into my thirties, I often found myself questioning if I might have repressed homosexual tendencies. I would usually dismiss this with a laugh in under a minute. How could I be gay? I had a ravenous sexual, social and intellectual attraction to girls. The only reason why I ever spent time with boys at all was because girls made it so hard for me to get their time and attention. The guys who always wanted to be hanging out in locker rooms together naked, wrestling around with one another horseplaying, and sitting around swilling beer and playing video games seemed like the gay ones to me.
But because I was so different from other men, and the women I loved kept treating literally like I was romantically repulsive, I kept coming back to the thought. It finally ended for good one dark night. About ten years ago, in the midst of one of my many deep depressions about my poor fortunes in love, I went on craigslist with the objective of meeting a man for sex. The one thing I knew was that girls might be impossible, but it was never a problem to get a dude in bed, no matter who you are. Women had hurt me so deeply that I told myself, if I can stand being gay, that would be WAY better.
I wrote an ad, but I couldn’t bring myself to post it for a wide variety of reasons, starting with the fact that I know, inherently, from the core of my soul all the way out, that I like girls, just as much as gay men know they are gay.
But I am NOT the ordinary straight guy, and it took me many years to be able to understand and categorize myself. Now I can say it in two simple sentences. Most men are heterosexual and homosocial. I am heterosexual and heterosocial. Most guys like “pussy, tits and ass”, and they want families, but they don’t actually LIKE girls. Their deepest emotional fulfillment comes from relationships with other men. Their father if they have a good one, their bros, their teammates, their band, their business partners, these are really their most important relationships.
I on the other hand, would be perfectly happy if I never saw another man again, even if I STILL was without sex or love. Yeah, I’d miss a few guys, but I’d be alright. So this is why I say I want to marry a lesbian. I want to be with a girl who wants no part of anything boy world represents, because that’s me too.
One of the things I learned as I got to know some lesbian women is that most of them do not have a physical aversion to sex with men. They are, as I believe most women are, bisexual to one degree or another. But most lesbians just have no tolerance for male bullshit, and because they are attracted to girls, there is no reason for them to put up with male bullshit. But most of them can enjoy a man from time to time if he’s civilized. Just not many men are.
But it was partly through my relationships with lesbian and bisexual women that I finally came to understand the phenomenon infuriating to so many men that women seem to like the worst guys that they complain about the most.
The reason species go extinct is that evolution is slow to adapt to change. It can take hundreds or even thousands of generations. The mark of an INTELLIGENT species is that it begins to control its own evolution by conscious choices. In the past, we needed the violent, warlike, muscle-bound meathead who was always ready to fight and didn’t think too much. Those days are over and these traits are now toxic to society.
But women (and men) are still evolutionarily programmed to gravitate to these traits. But, as a conscious, intelligent being, you CAN change this programming. I can teach you how its done. It just takes time and a lot of hard work.
There is a second major factor at work. Until I got older, and formed enough close relationships with women for them to share their stories with me, I didn’t realize how brutal and ugly the patriarchy we live in really is. I did not realize how common sexual violence was, or the lengths to which ordinary guys would go to coerce women in sex.
I was looking at the public world and seeing more and more women successful in business and politics and science and thinking that we had made more progress than we have. I didn’t know until girls told me that life as a woman means that every time you walk through a door, there is a chance that some man will lock that door behind you and try to shove his cock in your ass. That every time you walk past a van, there is a risk some man will try to drag you inside it and rape you. That you’re not even safe with men you think you know.
There is also a secondary “soft rape” problem we don’t talk about enough. The #metoo movement raised this issue a bit. Men very often will coerce or blackmail women into “consensual” sex using vile threats. For example, a man might threaten to reveal an embarrassing secret about a girl if she doesn’t sleep with him. Or threaten to destroy her professional reputation in an industry. These acts are not technically illegal in most cases.
There exists a class of monstrous men, and there are a LOT of them, who will demand sex as payment any time they have an advantage over a woman. They do it in employment, in housing, in education, and in the social arena. Cops do it as a matter of routine. That is our patriarchy.
But it is unhealthy to live in a state of paralyzing fear. So women gravitate to the bad boys, the dangerous violent men, to protect them from OTHER dangerous violent men. Their partner may be abusive in one way or another, but the rationale is that it is better to give a single man a license to abuse you—if he protects you from all the others—than to be alone in the woods with the wolves. Women don’t think that a girlish man can protect them.
This is also why girls love men in uniform. It’s not just because uniform jobs are usually stable jobs with good benefits and pensions. The uniform represents that the man belongs to a group of other men who can be pressed into service if needed, and this too enhances the perceptions of safety. Since rape and misogynistic violence have always been endemic to war and social conflict, a woman was safer with a man who was part of a group that could band together to protect her.
So this well-documented phenomenon of girls being attracted to bad boys is an evolutionary self-defense response to the violent, misogynist character of our society. And to that I say, girls, you’ve been had.
Generally, women are far smarter than men, but girls have one huge blind spot that allows bad men to get over on them. Women have an extensive communication network. Girls talk to each other. What girls don’t realize is that while all men don’t do this, the BAD men do. They have a similar network to what I call the “femi-net”.
The bad boys share information and strategize together to exploit and dominate women. When you’re with that bad boy, you actually ARE alone in the woods with the wolves; you just don’t know it yet. These men are actually the most dangerous people to be around.
Girls, in the past it really was true that you couldn’t survive without these guys. But now, you have all the tools you need to chase them off of this earth. You see dudes are already talking about going to Mars.
On top of this, in the modern age, the men who look and act the toughest very rarely are. The coward cops in Uvalde are a perfect example. In prison, I saw muscle-bound tattoo-covered young guys get beat almost to death by fat old men. Knowledge is the ultimate power. It just has to have a little technology behind it to trump brute strength. We’re there now. The nerds rule the world. Evolution is figuring this out, but it’s too slow.
Girls always had me wrong because of how I dress and talk. I started studying boxing and martial arts when I was like seven. I’ve faced death many times. I’ve been in accidents that would have killed most people and been unhurt. In my 46 years on this earth, no girl has ever been harmed in my presence. Unless you believe that one girl, a convicted criminal who has used five different names.
But once I came to understand that girls were hard-wired by evolution to be attracted to this certain type of man whose APPEARANCE equated with safety and security in times past, it was easy for me to forgive them. I just need to find my girl who has at least mostly moved on from that. A lesbian. But I’m not even asking her to move on entirely…
So, I’ve moved past monogamy. I don’t mean for myself. Most of my life, I’ve had ZERO girls, so having ONE (if I really like her) is such an upgrade for me, I’m happy. But I will no longer demand monogamy from a girl. Girls pretend they like it, but I now believe women cheat more than men. They are just way better at hiding it.
I had a brief fling with a girl who changed my life because she was the first girl to be truly and thoroughly honest with me about sexuality. She was a self-described former groupie and had dated and slept with a bunch of NFL players. She gave me a very honest and graphic description of what girls get out of sex with guys like that.
Once I understood this, it changed me. It is something that I cannot provide, and I accepted that I would neither want to ask a woman to commit to give that up forever, nor force her to lie to me and sneak around to get it. Most men want the freedom to sleep around, but want monogamy from their partner. A lot of men don’t even want their MISTRESSES to have other partners! But women actually need sexual freedom more than men need it.
So why do I say I want to marry a lesbian, instead of a bisexual woman? Well, because while I’ve evolved to where I want to give my partner her sexual freedom, I do still have reservations about it because so many men are such scumbags. I don’t want to have to be out looking for some dude with a shotgun and a bottle of Pennzoil because he hurt my girl.
The beauty of being with a lesbian is that I will care ZERO percent what she does with other girls. I don’t need to be having sex constantly all the time, although I CAN do that if I end up with a girl who’s into that. But my understanding is that most lesbians don’t have a whole lot of sex, but that they do have a whole lot of intimacy and conversation. That’s what I want MOST.
I don’t want to portray myself as not loving sex. I could happily live a porno lifestyle if I had a girl who wanted that, but I have no interest in that without having deep, meaningful emotional bonds. So that is why the lesbians are the right girls for me. The lesbian community might just be the place where I fit in…
I went to the mall about a year ago when I started this piece, and I came face to face with a truth that I was long uncomfortable accepting: Enjoying the beauty of girls has been one of the greatest pleasures of my life. Maybe number one. And this is not sexual, it is aesthetic.
Several years back, I was looking at a picture of Emily DiDonato in a Maybelline magazine ad, and I said to myself, “That girl is ART!” . That is not, as “Ugly Girl Feminists” would allege, to dehumanize her. She is artistically beautiful on top of being, I’m sure, a worthwhile and interesting human being. It’s really the Ugly Girl Feminists who dehumanize beautiful women, and want you to think they are all empty, stupid and superficial. In my experience, prettier girls are smarter AND kinder. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
As I was leaving the mall, I recalled a fantasy I’ve had since boyhood. If I were a billionaire, I would build the world’s most luxurious mall in San Diego or Orange County and my private home would be attached to it such that there was a door that went from my living room into the mall. All stores in the mall would be required to be open 24 hours and I would cover any losses the businesses took in doing so. All the security would be armed and female. Any girl would be welcome, but men would have to be cleared and get a permit, and, like a lot of nightclubs, men would have to pay a nominal fee to get in. I would create the greatest safe space for girls that has ever existed in history.
Throughout my life, I’ve been frustrated by the fact that women touch me at will without bothering to ask for permission (and while I usually don’t mind, sometimes I do). But I don’t think I’ve ever in my life touched a girl without permission unless she was someone I was sleeping with. I won’t even tap a girl on the shoulder. So imagine my surprise when I got accused of sexual assault LOL. But it’s tragic laughter.
I would love to inhabit a world where I have permission to speak freely and approach girls and tell them if I think they are beautiful without fear of offending anyone and without her feeling I’m making an advance she has to reject. If it was really my heaven, if she has some particular feature that I find attractive, I’d be able to tell her and ask her if I could touch it. Unlike scumbags like Donald Trump, I don’t want the freedom to touch girls whenever I feel like it. I WANT to ask! That would be the fun part, as long as I didn’t have to fear that she would get mad.
This is not just a sexual thing although of course sex is related. A while back, I saw a girl who had the most amazingly beautiful skin. Color, texture. She was Latina and this is generally a characteristic a lot of Latina women have. I so desperately wanted to ask her if I could touch her skin just to see if it felt as nice as it looked.
During a succession of days at the beach and at the mall, I realized another reason why it would be fantastic for me to be with a lesbian.
My ex-girlfriend that I dated for five years was a self-described bisexual, and before we met, she’d been in a long-term, live-in relationship with another woman. A few months into our relationship, at her suggestion, we started talking about having a threesome with another girl.
We were in bed at the time, and she mentioned a friend of hers and said, “If I call her, she’ll come over right now.”. This girl was pretty cute by general standards and it is a short list of men that would turn that offer down. I’m on that list.
I’d met the girl and didn’t particularly like her. Plus, when I’d met her, I was with a close friend of mine and she clearly liked him and had no interest in me. Plus she was married (I eventually become convinced that my girlfriend had had a three-way with her and her husband). My intuitive distaste for the girl was somewhat confirmed when she and her husband had a nasty divorce and custody battle and she accused him of coercing her into their consensual alternative sex life and accused him of being a child molester.
Anyway, my ex and I talked about this a lot, placed some ads online, but we never did anything really. She had one friend that we wanted to explore with (or at least I did) but it didn’t work out. In the end, I came to believe my ex was neither lesbian nor really very bisexual. She had just had a ton of bad experiences with men, and despite the fact that she ended up hating me and maybe trying to kill me, I restored her hope that she could be treated well by a man. I think she thought that dangling the possibility of a wild sex life with other girls would keep me in our failing relationship, but what I wanted most was for HER to be the girl she had represented herself to be, and that would have been enough for me.
But in the midst of all this, I started to believe, and still do believe, that there is a real possibility that a three-person relationship could not only work, but be stronger than a couple, though it would take three special people to pull it off. After my experimce with my ex, I think trying to add a girl to a male-female couple is the hard way. Starting with a lesbiam couple and adding a man would be more likely to work out. I’d be game to try it.
This is not because I have fantasies of non-stop threesomes and orgies. I’m not against sexual adventure, but that sort of stuff gets old really quickly if indulged in too much. My understanding is that lesbians have less sex than straight couples and that’s fine with me. I’d rather have great, transcendent, soul-glowing sex once a month than dull boring lifeless sex three times a week. But I wanna cuddle every day!True emotional intimacy is the pleasure I want most. We don’t restrict family love to one person, so why should we do it with romantic love?
I realized that finding a girl who shared my attraction to girls would be a huge win. We can share what is one of life’s greatest pleasures for me: walking around the beach, or the mall, or Vegas, or flipping through the latest issue of Vogue and admiring feminine beauty together. Rather than being jealous, a girl who was truly attracted to girls, and secure in her own attractiveness, would understand that this would make me appreciate her beauty more, and, if monogamy was what she wanted, would actually serve to keep me faithful (that’s a long explanation, but it’s true).
To whatever extent she was truly attracted to women, my ex and I had totally opposite taste. By the time our relationship was over, I had come to believe that she truly HATED beautiful women. Not just beautiful women. She hated beauty period. That was the level of resentment she had because she didn’t feel beautiful.
I’m not just looking for a girl who like girls, but who shares my taste in girls. I like stylish, feminine women who wear perfume and get manicures. They used to call them lipstick lesbians. Not saying she has to be like this all the time. A pretty girl with no makeup in a t-shirt and sweatpants is beautiful. I don’t want my girl to feel pressure to glam up all the time. But I want a girl who likes to be glamorous when the occasion calls for it, and enjoys seeing other glamorous beautiful women.
So, after everything I’ve said about Jewish girls on this blog, why did I put “Jewish” in parentheses with a question mark? Well, I’ve been writing this blog for nearly three years now. I KNOW that a lot of Jewish girls know about it, at least in San Diego and most likely beyond. Just like every Black man knows who Kim Kardashian is, it’s very possible every Jewish girl knows who I am. But none of them has yet reached out to grab me, so at this point, I feel like they must have no interest, romantically, socially, professionally or otherwise. For a while there, I really thought it was going to happen. So, I don’t know. You Jewish girls are on the clock.
I love the song Big Yellow Taxi. It is one of my favorite songs of all time. Don’t it always seem to go, you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. There is an old photograph I’m in, taken in 2007 or 2008 at a bar called The Office in San Diego. It was a birthday party for one of my ex’s friends that I ended up falling madly in love with. It is me (back when I was super-fat), sitting around a large semi-circular table with my ex and six of her girlfriends. Probably foreshadowing the future, my ex and I are sitting on opposite ends, as far away from one another as possible.
My ex had another half-dozen awesome girlfriends who were not in that picture. In time, I wondered how she managed to collect such an awesome group of friends when by the end I felt she was a very troubled person. I literally stayed in the relationship for an extra year trying to figure out if there was any possible way I could break up with her and keep her friends (she had several cool guy friends as well). She thought I didn’t like spending time with her friends, but it was really that I didn’t like how she treated me around them.
I liked each and everyone one of my ex’s girlfriends more than I liked her. A couple of them, I really loved. I don’t think a single one of them was totally straight. Three had actually lived with girlfriends. A couple of them were married to men. A couple of boyfriends came and went. But their social circle was definitely female. In this brutal patriarchy, girls who don’t want to be victims of male predatory behavior, or accessories to a dominant male, have to band together to protect themselves and support one another. These girls were doing exactly that.
None of them had children. They never talked to me about it, but I wondered, years after my ex and I had broken up, if that was the bond their circle centered around, and the explanation for why they overlooked my ex’s flaws. Though it often takes the form of very subtle veiled condemnation, this is a hard world for childless women and it would make sense for them to stick together.
One of the things I learned as I grew closer to the LGBTQ community is that the popular perceptions of gay men and lesbians are actually the opposite of the truth…
Perception is that gay men are feminized men and lesbians are masculinized women. The people who match this stereotype are more visible. They catch our attention, but they are the minority. Most gay men are hyper-masculine, and most lesbians are hyper-feminine. And so it was with these girls.
One night, we were out at this Louisiana-themed restaurant owned by the husband of one of the girls. I really loved that place. Unfortunately, it closed down. My ex was late arriving, so I was sitting there with several of her gurlfriends. Two of them had gone to a spa where they did special pubic hair wax designs, i.e. a red heart, a peace sign, etc. They had pictures of theirs on their phones and were showing them to the other girls. They looked at me, glanced at each other and then I guess decided I was okay, and handed the phones to me so I could look.
The thrill wasn’t in seeing the pictures. I’ve been looking at porn simce I was six years old. i’ve seen countless pictures of naked girls. If there is anything to see in the world of vaginas that I haven’t seen in pictures, it’s probaly scary.
The thrill was in the fact that they felt comfortable enough with me to show me.
As is par for the course with me, even though I had permission, I was still afraid to look too long and barely did look. But inside I was glowing. I had made it. I was behind the wall. I was one of the girls!
The girl and her husband who owned the restaurant had a lovely little house in North Park, San Diego’s trendy, liberal hippie-ish neighborhood, a few blocks away from The Office where that photo was taken, and where, on Cinco de Mayo 2010 that girl I loved gave me a look that stopped time and burned through my soul.
I have such fond memories of the times I spent there with those girls, a couple of reasonably cool guys who came around from time to time. But what I loved is that it was a totally feminine environment. And these weren’t largely glam-type girls, but there was no toxic male energy present. I miss those girls so much.
I sometimes dream and fantasize that somehow, some or all of those girls will come back into my life. But I know the chances of that are remote. From the few bits of information that have trickled to me, I don’t think my ex is friends with most of them anymore, but nobody I want to come back into my life ever does. And I have no idea what kinds of salacious lies about me she might have told them after we broke up.
Maybe I’ll find a circle of girls like that again. But this time, maybe I’ll find my great romance in that circle, with a lesbian couple, or just one special girl. Maybe she’ll be Jewish. Definitely she’ll be cute. That would be my heaven. That would be my Promised Land.
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