Marriage Story
I always said I never wanted to get married. I continued to say this well into my thirties while I was constantly lonely and frustrated in love, not realizing that I was sending the wrong message to girls.
I was always looking for a committed relationship. More than that, even. I was looking for a life partner. I believed in monogamy as much you can believe in it: From early childhood until my mid-twenties, it was my goal, my goal mind you, to only ever sleep with one woman in my life. I so desperately wanted this girl June to be her, but once I came to grips with the fact that wasn’t going to happen, I revised my thinking.
But I was still fundamentally a one-woman man. I never especially liked the term “soulmate”, but recently I coined a somewhat clumsy acronym to describe the relationship I want: BFF-LOML. Best Friend Forever-Love Of My Life. For a lot of people, they want these things to be two different relationships. But I want me and the girl I’m with to be like schoolyard BFFs.
So, I didn’t realize that when I was saying that I never wanted to get married, a lot of women likely perceived this as me saying I had a problem with commitment, or monogamy or the long-term relationship, which was the opposite of the truth. Even though I would try to explain my reasons for being against marriage, this probably sounded like self-serving rationalization by a man who didn’t want to be tied down, when what I wanted MOST was to be tied down.
Once I realized I’d been sending the wrong message, I felt a terrible sense of regret that I might have blown chances with girls I liked because when I was saying I didn’t want to get married, what they were hearing was that I would never marry them. It was a 66 year-old developmentally disabled man named Danny who taught me to change my thinking about marriage.
I was sitting next to Danny one day during a dialysis treatment back in 2012 when I was recovering from my kidney failure episode. Danny had the mental capacity of a boy about 8-10 years old. He was telling me that there was a girl he loved at the home for the disabled where he lived and he wanted to marry her, but his mother wouldn’t allow it because she didn’t believe disabled people should get married.
We never really think much about the love lives of the intellectually disabled, and I realized I’d never really thought about it, except for a few minutes in passing when the movie I Am Sam came out, which I was very interested in but have never gotten around to seeing. I felt sad for Danny because it was clear that this was really the only thing that was important to him, and he wasn’t being allowed to have it.
When he had finished telling me his story, Danny asked me a question. One thing about kids and developmentally disabled adults is that they are not fully indoctrinated into society’s elaborate system of orthodoxy. So they often think about things in unique ways. People usually ask the question, “Do you want to get married?”. Danny asked me, “Is there anyone you want to marry?”.
To Danny, marriage was ONLY about the person, which is why the subject of his question was “anyone”. He didn’t want to know my philosophy on marriage. He wanted to know if there was anyone who was special to me like this girl was special to him.
The typical question, “Do you want to get married?”, to which I’d always answered no, doesn’t include a person. The way Danny asked it, it reframes marriage as being about the person first, and, as obvious as it is, I’d just simply never thought of it that way. But as I’m going to assert as we go along, in our society marriage has become something that often is more about the social institution than the relationship.
As soon as Danny asked me this, I saw a montage of girls that I loved in my mind, and I answered him, “Yes.”. I have never said I don’t want to get married since.
So, there is a really cute girl on one of those ESPN panel shows and I had seen her a few times but I never caught her name. These shows are insufferably dull, so I can’t take more than a few minutes, but this time I find out that she is Katie Nolan. I had heard her name on ESPN Radio years ago, but I never knew what she looked like. Now I know. She’s so cute.
But before I find out that Katie is Katie, they play a clip from a reality show called “Marriage or Mortgage”. They are playing this on a sports station because the show features a former teammate of the football player on the panel.
When the clip is over, Katie goes on a little rant about how it is a terrible statement about our society that people have to choose between getting married or buying a house. Girls are so hot when they are passionate about something! My initial reaction is, “Fuck yeah, Katie! You’re so right!”. But then the football player made a great point that made me realize the fundamental reason that my earlier views on marriage had developed.
He pointed out that the reality show isn’t actually talking about choosing between getting married or buying a house. It is about choosing between having a lavish, expensive wedding and buying a house. He described what weddings have become as a “circus-like event”. And he’s right. But it’s even worse than that...
Before I go on, I want to make something abundantly clear. If Scarlett Johansson (or any other girl I like) wants to have the most disgusting traditional wedding ceremony, I’m there with bells on. If one of these cute Jewish girls wants to have a traditional Jewish wedding where we put the glass in the thing and throw it on the ground and step on it, I’m ALL-IN. Where’s my yarmulke? I spent fifteen years working in corporate America and five years in prison—I can suffer through ANYTHING for a day! But I wouldn’t be suffering through it. If I finally find the girl for me and that’s what she wants, I’ll be an enthusiastic co-conspirator. But I hope she’ll consider this...
As I was watching this reality show clip, I realized that 90% of my disdain for marriage was attributable solely to how much I hate the traditional wedding ceremony.
Let’s begin with the trivial, and then move on to the substance: weddings are a fashion disaster! The tuxedo is an absurd outfit and for a fashionable man like me, it is a nightmare that this penguin clown suit is what men are expected to wear at the biggest and most important events. I’ve never worn a tuxedo and I dread the day that I have to.
But women’s wedding fashion is not much better, with all these puffy white lace dresses that look the same and conceal everything on a day where a woman theoretically should be trying to look as beautiful as possible. Actually wear something NICE, like that green and lavender outfit Kaitlan Collins was wearing on CNN the other day. Wedding dresses should be like Oscar dresses, a chance for a woman to show her unique personal style and look HOT! And men should be wearing something like what you might see on a man in a runway show for Ralph Lauren or Joseph Abboud, not a penguin suit.
But more importantly than all of that, the traditional wedding ceremony is completely a product of patriarchy and misogyny. It is a property transference ceremony! It is a ceremony where a man acquires possession of a woman from her father, the transaction being overseen and approved by the church as a political authority. No modern woman should be willing to stand for such a ceremony. But you girls not only stand for it, you DEMAND it!
Indeed, nearly every aspect of the traditional wedding traces back to the concept of women as property. Both the civil and religious implications were that the woman was being placed under the authority of the man, before the state and before God. The word “husband” means “master of the house”. A modern woman should permit no man to be her master, except maybe in a role-playing game once in a while.
The other thing about weddings as we now do them is that they are financially irresponsible. If you’re rich and you want to spend a million dollars on a wedding, have at it. I’m all for a lavish party. I think the world needs more parties, not less. But if you are an ordinary working class or middle class couple, the amount people are expected to spend on a wedding is financial napalm.
Rather than spending tens of thousands of dollars on a one-day wedding, go spend a few months traveling the world. You’ll likely have more lasting great memories that come out of that than putting all this pressure on a one-day event where it might rain, the caterer might be a disaster, your skin might break out, the venue might be unprepared, your grandparents might miss their flight and not make it, and the preacher might flub the vows like John Roberts did when he was swearing in Barack Obama. Weddings so often turn to disasters because we’re investing too much, economically and emotionally, in one day.
Then we have the wedding ring. It is such an ubiquitous thing in our society, but I can’t understand why a modern woman would allow a man to place a symbol of possession on her body, especially one that had to be dug up out of the ground by some poor, underpaid African and then sold at an artificially inflated price to enrich a company founded by one of history’s worst racist imperialists. The diamond trade reveals a deep inner sickness in our society, that we’re still willing to sacrifice lives for shiny rocks. Girls need to stop and think about what they are expecting when they expect a man to buy them a diamond. I’m not against diamonds or jewelry on the whole. That is an extreme position to take. But I think the prices we are willing to pay are obscene and absurd. I’m not a cheapskate. If I had money, I’d never grow tired of spending it on extravagant things for a girl. But the wedding ring as a symbol of possession bothers me.
I have said in recent years that we never should have gotten rid of the debutante ball. I think the quinceanera in Mexican culture is a good tradition. I think a lot of girls subconsciously talk themselves into bad marriages just because they want the big party where they are the center of attention. It is almost like the wedding has become the “orgasm moment” for relationships, and everything that comes after is post-ejaculatory depression.
So if I don’t like all of this, what do I believe a wedding should be?
One of my best friends from college had a great wedding. They got married on 11-11-11. It was a small group, only about a dozen close friends. There was no minister, he and his wife recited their vows that they had written in the park next to San Francisco’s Exploratorium, a beautiful landmark that you probably know by sight if not by name.
After that, they had rented a trolley bus to take us all on a tour around San Francisco. They made a CD of their favorite songs which they played on the ride and gave each of us a copy of the CD at the end of the night.
We all went out for dinner at a nice Japanese restaurant, and then went for drinks at a nice hotel lounge. It was organized so that the rain couldn’t ruin it, and it didn’t cost them thousands of dollars, which is good since they got divorced a few years later. But it was a great day, and I’ll always remember where I was.
That to me is more along the lines of what a wedding day should be like. It should be personalized. I wouldn’t do exactly that, but it’s closer to what I would want than the black-and-white circus show. For some people, the perfect wedding day might be to spend the day alone. There shouldn’t be a traditional ceremony. Every couple should come up with an original idea that they love.
Me personally? Well, if I was marrying Scarlett, I like the idea of marrying her where we first sort of met, at the Aria, right out front by the rock-wall fountain (the middle of the lobby would be a bit too literal). I would tell her the rather long story of why I would choose that spot and what it means to me. I think she’d like it. And afterward, I’d take her for a drink at the bar in what used to be the Mandarin Oriental (if it’s still there), because that is where I would have asked her to go with me if I had stopped to talk to her that night. Just me and her alone for a little while, then I’m sure one of these hotels could close off a private ballroom for all Scarlett’s friends and we can have a reception. Or whatever she wanted to do. But that’s what I would probably do if she left it up to me, which she probably wouldn’t.
As I said, I’m not going to stand the line over this one day at the expense of the rest of my life with a girl I love. If I find the right girl, whatever kind of wedding she wants, I’m with her. But lately, now that I’ve done a complete reversal and I desperately want to get married, it feels like marriage has become my nemesis. Let me explain...
Our society frowns on older men who marry much younger women, even though it is very common. I used to frown upon it, too, and think that it meant these older guys were just obsessed with youthful beauty and not interested in substance.
I see a different side of it now as I’m looking around, and almost all the girls I like in my age range are married. I realize, older guys are marrying young girls because the young girls are the only ones who are AVAILABLE!
Growing up, I always heard the statistic that half of marriages end in divorce. When all the girls I loved started getting married to other men, I’d actually started thinking that the odds were that some of them would get divorced and maybe I’d get a second chance.
But none of them have gotten divorced. Last month, I read an article that explained that the 50% divorce rate thing is not and has never been true. It is far lower than that, and how that purported statistic came into popular belief was a convoluted and boring story. So, I wasn’t just “unlucky” that girls I knew never got divorced. The divorce rate is actually lower than we all think. If I’d known that, I’d have made some decisions differently.
But as I look around at the world today, the women who are most attractive, most interesting and most appealing to me are mostly all in their thirties and forties. A few in their fifties. And nearly all of them are married. I mean, Loren Gray is smoking hot, but 18 is just not what I’m looking for. But if everybody’s married, my choices might start to narrow down to girls that young.
As you know if you’ve been a regular reader of this blog, I’ve wrestled with whether it is right or wrong to talk extensively about married or attached girls who are high on my list of women I’m interested in. In the past, I’ve felt like I should stop doing it. However, my position has changed.
Relationships come and go. Marriages begin and end. One of these girls who I think is unavailable might be filling out her divorce papers right now.
Like, for example, take CNN anchor Kate Bolduan. I was watching her show this morning. She’s so cute. I noticed she kind of resembles Michelle Pfeiffer, but she’s way smoking hotter than Michelle Pfeiffer!
Now, the internet says Kate is married, but I’ve been noticing on her show the past few weeks, she’s been making a lot of hand gestures and she doesn’t have a ring on. She does have one on in past pictures I’ve seen. Maybe she lost her ring and her husband is out shopping for a new one right now. Or maybe Kate is letting the observant members of the viewing audience know she is now available.
She has seemed a little sad and distracted lately. If I was in New York, or Washington, or wherever she is, I would take her out for ice cream and try to cheer her up. She’s a reporter. Maybe she could report on my story. BREAKING NEWS: Kate Bolduan is really cute.
A lot of men are jealous and possessive even when they’ve got the girl. That seems absurd when the girl is in the business of showing her beauty to the world, but a lot of men are absurd.
But there is a deeper issue here than that. What I’m trying to do, all by myself on this lonely little blog, is change the fundamental way we view women in this society, from objects of possession, to beautiful creatures worthy of respect and admiration.
If a woman’s husband is the only man permitted to speak freely on every aspect of her awesomeness, that amounts to an assault on her self-esteem. These girls deserve to be PRAISED. They need to hear how wonderful they are, from the girl-power circle, but also from other men. But a lot of their husbands don’t want that. Why?
If a woman is in an unfulfilling relationship, and other men are free to say they think she is beautiful and amazing and desirable, then she knows what her OPTIONS are. Possessiveness is a kind of a prison where men try to keep women from knowing their value and knowing what alternatives they have if they choose to leave the relationship.
It wouldn’t feel so bad to me that all the girls I like are married if it seemed like women were happy and fulfilled in their relationships. Now, I don’t know about these entertainment girls. Maybe things are better for them. But in my life is has seemed to be the norm that marriages are unfulfilling, more for the woman than for the man.
I wish for every girl to be happy in her marriage, especially these girls that I love. But things don’t always work out that way. However, I’m not a hater. I’m not sitting here rooting for Amanda Seyfried to get a divorce, but if she does, I want her to know what her options are, and I hope she calls me.
I try to restrain myself from saying too much about Natalie Portman because my perception of her is that she’s a pretty conservative person and wouldn’t like me going on and on about how much I like her when she’s married. But if Natalie Portman was suddenly single and available, I’d marry her TODAY. I’ve never met her before, but I’ll take that bet.
Truth is truth. But maybe I’m worrying too much about these girls or their husbands being mad at me for saying what I’m saying...
I’m not an old-fashioned person, but I was raised in an old-fashioned environment. The effect of this is that, having grown up surrounded by religious fundamentalists, I tend to think that society at large is more conservative than it is. I often have to tell myself, “Michael, you’re worrying about 20th century problems.”.
In my flirtations with the world of the rich, powerful and famous, I’ve come to suspect (although I do not KNOW) that monogamy is no longer the social norm in the upper crust of society. I believe they have realized that, just like Scarlett said, it’s impractical, but that they keep that fact amongst themselves because we proletarians with our puritanical mindset about sex and relationships aren’t ready for that development.
Forget about the fact these actors have a job where they have to make out with a bunch of different people, and convince us that they really mean it. I can’t recall who it was, but I remember an interview with some celebrity power couple and they said they’d had a whole year where they were only able to spend about thirty days together because of their work schedules. Politicians and business people deal with similar conditions. Monogamy is untenable under those circumstances.
So, I believe that certainly amongst the entertainment industry set, it is not safe to assume someone is unavailable just because they are married. It’s not they they are all swingers and have open relationships and everybody’s fucking everybody all the time. It’s just that they have learned to be reasonable about it, and realized that it is emotionally healthier if a person has a variety of intimate relationships in their life.
There is the additional factor that there ARE a lot of gay guys in entertainment. Not as many as the man on the street thinks, but there are a lot. So some of these girls are just doing their gay friend a solid by marrying him for public appearance, but in reality, the girl is still available, whether it is that she is still looking for the right man, is gay herself, or wants cover for a polyamorous lifestyle.
So, I’ll take the risk of being murdered by a gang of entertainment industry husbands. These girls that I like, I’m going to broadcast it whether they are married or not. I doubt that I would be viewed as significant competition by any of these guys with their multi-million dollar bank accounts and ripped abs, but if you girls can use my interest to light a fire under your husband’s ass so that he does a better job for you, I’m happy to be of service. One day, one of you will marry me!
The main reason I want to get married so much, despite all the issues I have with the history of the institution, is that it would mean something significant to me emotionally. You see, up to this point in my life, all the women that I’ve loved have seemed to regard me with either ambivalence or apathy.
Perhaps that was my fault, for never saying or doing the right thing at the right time. But now I hope I can finally get it right, and get back the same kind of love that I give. And to feel secure that she really means it, I want a girl who is willing to stand before the world and declare her love for me.
Then we won’t need a lavish, expensive wedding. We won’t need rings. We won’t need the church or the state to sanction our union. All we’ll need is each other. And then I can take her hand and proclaim to the world, “I love her. We’re BiFFs, and we’re MARRIED!”.
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