Happy Birthday, Scarlett!

Scarlett Johansson is so cute. How cute is she?

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that when she goes into a pet store, puppies and bunnies run out looking for attention. 

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that babies are jealous of her. 

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that Dr. Fauci recommends she wear a mask all the time to avoid public panic. 

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that the 2021 Oxford English Dictionary will say, “Cute - Adj., see Scarlett Johansson. No really, you gotta see her!”. 

Scarlett Johansson is so cute, she’s in negotiations to be the next Gerber Baby. 

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that she can’t watch the sun rise because the sun would feel outshined and go back down the wrong way. 

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that the reason you never see her in fashion or makeup ads is because they wouldn’t sell anything—other girls would just give up. 

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that if I played Rock Paper Scissors with her, I’d go rock every time.*

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that sometimes when I see her on TV, I literally can’t take it and I have to turn it off. 

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that every day when she opens her door, there’s a long line of mirrors saying “Use me! Use me!”. 

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that they pay her like $100,000 an hour to stand there in front of the camera in a latex suit while Robert Downey and Chris Evans talk. “It’s the end of the world! Show me your serious face, Scarlett.” :-/

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that seeing her for like seven seconds was the best moment of my life. 

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that I estimate I’ve passed by about 2 million girls in my life, and she was the cutest one. 

Scarlett Johansson is so cute that I really really want to see her again so I can tell her she’s cute. 

Happy Birthday, Scarlett!  You’re 36 now and in a minute here on March 10, I’ll be 45. You know, that’s how old Marilyn Monroe and JFK were when she sang “Happy Birthday, Mr. President”.  You’re a better singer than Marilyn Monroe, you’re a better actress than Marilyn Monroe AND you’re cuter than Marilyn Monroe. That’s a pretty awesome trifecta!

While you are More Than Marilyn, I haven’t beaten JFK at anything yet. But like him, I went to the best college in the world, I have serious health problems, and...I’m Irish!  And I don’t already have a wife. But I also can write, and I’ll say I’m a little bit cuter than Arthur Miller. I never had a 56-game hitting streak, but I once won three consecutive games of twenty-one on the basketball court outside Lagunita at Stanford. So you’re More Than Marilyn and I’m kinda like lightweight versions of JFK, Arthur Miller and Joe DiMaggio, with a little bit of your cousin Einstein thrown in, all wrapped up in one brown package. The one thing all those guys had that I don’t is money, but you don’t need any more of that!

So are you going to sing “Happy Birthday Mr.  (Northwest High School Junior Class) President” to me on March 10? That would be so cute! But let’s not let history repeat itself too much. You stay away from the barbiturates and I’ll stay away from Dallas!!

*I was just going to leave that there and let everybody go “WTF?!?”, but people always wanna know right now. I have noticed that Scarlett has really beautiful hands (one of my favorite things). If I go rock every time, sooner or later she’s gonna go paper, which means she’s going to put her beautiful hand on display. I know. I’m weird.