Scarlett the Singer, Part II

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So this morning as I was walking through my old neighborhood, I decided to go listen to more of Scarlett’s songs and...I’m SO mad at this girl! i actually like scarlett johansson’s music. Is there a smaller font I can put that in?  It’s just not fair!  If I didn’t like it, I’d say so. You’ve read my general review of her movie career. Lost in Translation was so boring, I couldn’t sit through it. I sat down to watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona with great anticipation that it would be educational since my girlfriend at the time and I were considering the possibility of getting a girlfriend (what a fucking shitshow that was!). I have mixed feelings on Woody Allen movies, some I love, some not so much, but I was shocked he could make a movie so BORING. I don’t even remember if I watched it all. I think I did, but I don’t remember a single thing that happened. 

But I actually like Scarlett’s music. It makes me want to quit.  Why quit?  I have this same reaction immediately after I finish reading a great book. I feel like I want to quit writing because I can never do THAT. Scarlett makes me want to quit at life because she’s so good at it. 

Scarlett’s songs remind me of one of my top twenty all-time favorite albums, “Blue Cinderella” by Kami Lyle. This album made me mad at the world in a way that I would be right now if not for Scarlett being like the biggest actress ever. I’m such a nerd, I always kept my CDs in the original cases—I never took them out and put them in sleeve cases or slim cases. Never. But the cases are flimsy and break a lot and after a while, stores didn’t cary replacement cases. There is this awesome music store in the San Francisco Bay Area, Rasputin, and they had a bin of 25 cent CDs, all stuff I’d never heard of. So I’d buy a bunch of them for the cases, but I’d give the music a listen just to see if the CD was worth keeping. None of them were except one—Blue Cinderella. It wasn’t just worth listening to. It was amazing. So I got angry. What the hell is wrong with the world that this CD is in the quarter bin?!?  I had seen a bunch of them in there, so I went back to buy the rest, thinking I would give them away to people I know who like good music. When I got back, there was only one left, so perhaps word got out. I would almost think Scarlett must have heard this album. 

Anyway, the thought of making a Scarlett Johansson playlist is just so disgusting. But One Whole Hour, Summertime, Last Goodbye—these are all really really good. I Wish I Was In New Orleans, Falling Down, Boys Don’t Cry...those are pretty good too. I’m halfway there. Could it be that I might like Scarlett Johansson music more than Scarlett Johansson movies?!?!  How weird would that be! But I’m half-joking when I say I don’t like Scarlett’s movies. I actually haven’t seen that many. Let’s see: The Horse Whisperer, My Brother the Pig, The Island, The Other Boleyn Girl, Under the Skin, Rough Night, Ghost in the Shell, Lucy, Chef, Captain America: Winter Soldier, Vicky Cristina Barcelona...I think that’s it. The internet says she was in The Prestige but I don’t remember her at all. Tells you how good Christian Bale is to make me not notice Scarlett Johansson!  But most of those movies I liked at least a little bit. 

Then I notice that her first album was all Tom Waits covers, and the universe gets weirder. I used to work with this lawyer, and he was one of my favorite people to talk to that I’ve ever met. Probably number one in terms of men. But the only reason I didn’t attempt to cultivate a closer relationship with him was that I wasn’t then and still am not sure about his sexuality. This is not homophobia. I’m an advocate for LGBTQ people and some might say I’m one myself in that I certainly don’t conform to the male gender role. If this guy had come out and said, “I’m gay”, I wouldn’t have had problem having close friendship with him. But since he seemed deliberately vague, I was cautious because he was certainly the kind of guy I would have gone for if I was gay, so I figured if he was gay, he might like me, and I didn’t want to walk into an awkward situation where he developed a romantic interest in me, thinking I was in the closet as some people have thought about me. I don’t even know if gay guys actually do that like straight people do, but knowing how much I hate having my heart broken, I didn’t want to risk doing it to someone else. 

But I mention him because he had an obsession with Tom Waits and was constantly trying to get me to listen to him. I think I recall that Tom Waits was almost literally the only popular music artist he listened to. So one of my favorite people that I’ve met loves this somewhat obscure artist, and I’m guessing Scarlett loves him too if she did a whole album of his songs. It’s funny, at that same company, there was a girl I was friends with. We talked about movies a lot and she was constantly trying to get me to watch Ghost World, probably because I’d been raving to her about Scarlett in The Horse Whisperer.  And I probably said some good things about Thora Birch too. But I’ve still never seen it. I’m not avoiding it. It just hasn’t been convenient...in twenty years. 

I suddenly feel sad like I’ve missed out. All this time I’ve been disappointed in Scarlett’s movie offerings, I could have been listening to her music. There was a video on Youtube about why Scarlett’s music career didn’t take off. Simple answer: people are jackasses. No, that does not include me in this case. My not listening to her music this last year has just been my boyish protest because I don’t want to like her too much if she doesn’t like me. Ten years ago, if I’d found out Scarlett made music, I’d have run to check it out right away, figuring perhaps that’s where she was channeling her creative energy since she wasn’t using it for The Island!  

If Scarlett had made a pop album that sounded like J Lo or Taylor Swift, put on some booty shorts and made a couple of sexy videos, the public would have eaten that shit up. But the genre of music she sings is not popular to begin with, and the fans of that genre are often hipster snobs who dislike anyone and anything popular, and Scarlett is about as popular as you can get.  If her name is Sarah Jameson instead, people would have bought her music.  No reason to cry for Scarlett Johansson over this—her movie career kinda worked out a little bit. But her music’s good. 

I’m watching the video for Falling Down and it has clips in it of Scarlett in the makeup chair. Every time I see videos like this, I think, “You girls have a weird job!”. You have to sit in a chair for hours while people rub stuff all over your face and pull and prod your hair with hot metal objects and tin foil. In case Scarlett’s interested, as I think with most girls, I think she’s cuter with no makeup. I usually think she looks like another, less attractive person at red carpet events with the bright red lipstick and her hair up in a bun. She looked smoking hot at the Oscars the other day though OMG...

Toward the end of the video, there is this shot where she is waving to people from a car and then the car window goes up, and SCARLETT JOHANSSON disappears and its the girl I saw in Vegas. I’ve seen a dozen things like that where I know it was her. I just won’t let myself believe it until she tells me it was. 

It’s funny, I think back now to the girl I saw in Vegas, and if it turned out she was the girl who sang these songs, not the actress I know, maybe I’m even more impressed because most female singers I’ve met are...I don’t know. Weird in a way that I don’t enjoy being around. Miley Cyrus seems like she’s probably cool. Beyonce.  Madonna. Lady Gaga...maybe—I’m not sure. A few others. But most female singers have this kind of “I’m in my own world and you can’t relate to me” thing and its unattractive to me socially and romantically. A singer is the last thing I’d have expected the girl in Vegas to be.  But her music is good. She’s still not as good as Alanis, but who is?  Man, it’s just absurd how some of these MAT Girls can do ANYTHING, especially Scarlett Johansson. 

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