The Proposal

 View my blog post “The Decision”: The Decision

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I have an idea for a new approach to renting, and so I’m going to try it out first myself.

I am looking for a lesbian couple or a lesbian-leaning bisexual female couple.  Let me state clearly that I’m not looking for sex or a relationship via this ad. I desperately need a place to live or I’m going to be homeless, and I have health problems that make it very likely that I would end up in the hospital, or possibly even die if that happens.   

I specify a lesbian or lesbian-leaning couple because I don’t like men, I don’t like male energy and I’m a pretty girly guy on the whole. I wouldn’t want to live with two straight girls because there would be guys coming around all the time and it would be awkward.  My ex-girlfriend of five years was bisexual and had many lesbian and bisexual girlfriends and I learned that I get along with the feminine-oriented wing of the lesbian community very well.  I know how to act.  Just a quick review of the contents of the blog should establish where I stand.  I'm looking for a stable, established couple, not two girls who just moved in together.

My proposal is that I want to offer to join your household on a set of terms that I believe you will find very very favorable.  In fact, you might find these terms so favorable that the Seattle lesbian community will find it is a great new model for forward progress (I would also be willing to entertain offers to relocate to the San Francisco Bay Area, greater Los Angeles or New York City).  Ever watch the cute little movie “No Men Beyond This Point”? I would be just like the guy in that.

Here are the terms that I propose:

If I join your household, every dime that I receive from any source will go to the two of you.  Currently, that is my disability check, which is about $2,100 per month. If required to establish trust, I will switch my Direct Deposit into your account (once you’ve established trust with me). You get all of that.  In return, you will provide me with everything I need.  But YOU get to decide what I need, beyond the parameters of our agreement.  Here are the things I need: 

Adequate housing: This may be as little as a room in your home, so long as I’m actually a member of your household, i.e., I have full home access.  If you already have a place, this will cost you nothing, and you still have $2,100. Your place has to be reasonably nice, unless you are offering other perks (see below). 

Use of a car: I love driving, and you’ll want me to be able to drive too.  I have medical appointments three days a week, and you’ll want a way to get me out of the house sometimes.  Maybe you have a car you aren’t using, in which case this will cost you nothing.  Or, if you have great credit, you can lease a car for me to use pretty affordably out of the $2,100. You’ll give me a budget for gas.  The amount or process for determining the amount will be agreed to beforehand. You are still making a profit.  Depending, use of a nicer car might offset a nicer home for me.

You will have to provide my meals.  I would strongly prefer this household to be vegetarian or vegan (extra points over a carnivorous household).  You will buy the groceries.  I love cooking and will enjoy cooking for us sometimes, or all the time.  You will give me a budget for eating out on my own occasionally, or if you’ve asked me to get out so you can have alone time if your place isn’t big enough for you to have it with me in my room.  The amount or process for determining the amount will be agreed to beforehand.

You will give me a budget for other necessary things, and well as we will agree on what I can and cannot ask for, and as long as my basic needs are being met, I have to accept your judgment.  You have to pay for my medication (about $100).  My phone bill ($40 a month).   You will also agree—and this is important—that if an emergency comes up of an amount that could have been covered by my check, you agree to take care of it.  We’ll clearly define what such emergencies are and up to how much.  There is nothing that I can foresee in this regard, but you never know.

So, if you manage money well, you should EASILY clear more than $1,000 profit. What would you do with a guaranteed extra $1,0000 per month? But wait, in that deal, you ASLO go a house cleaner, and a chef, personal professional assistant, and an errand boy, and so much more.  And you get PAID FOR IT????  But wait, that’s capitalist exploitation, right? Not if I’m excited to do it!

If you own a business, or want to start one, I will volunteer for your business for FREE, doing whatever you need me to do within my physical limitations///////9I have kidney disease).  If you have a job in an area of expertise of mine, I will work for you for FREE. If you work in law, or the medical field, or science…really practically anything…I can help.  I was a National Merit Scholar who went to Stanford and I had a fifteen year professional career working for smart, talented people after that. I haven’t worked in ten years, but I can give you professional references to half a dozen WOMEN that I worked for in my career (a couple of them at least we’re lesbians too).

Any contract, to be a fair contract, has to be clearly understood by both parties.  So, I have to tell you there are two catches for me:

First, when I say I’m looking to JOIN a household, I want to be very clear about what that means.  I actually mean that term in a new way.  I want to be a part of something, so I’m asking you to do more that just let me live in your home.  I’m asking you to let me become a part of your life to some extent, since we will be sharing meals, and I’ll be doing things for you, and will be dependent on you to decide how my money is spent (actually, it will become YOUR money!).  And that is a much bigger ask…from my perspective. But it might not be from yours.

The second condition is that no super-long term commitment be involved.  If it is not working out, we should both have the ability to end the arrangement with a month’s notice (timed so that I will receive a check when I am ready to depart.  But if things are going well, I might continue on as long as you want me, pending the possibility of my finding a romantic partnership.  I am going to be looking for a relationship, so if I meet someone I may want to move.  I am pro-choice on monogamy as I discussed in other pieces on this blog, so if you think you might be interested in filling that role, we can talk about it, but that would be a very long discussion (and I need housing before that!).

Now, there is a super-huge potential bonus that I am offering to sweeten an already sweet deal because I’m desperate to actually have a home again (something I really haven’t had in almost ten years).  I am a writer, and I am working on other things that might earn me money.  Any money that I make while I am in your household will come to you.  100% of it, minus any taxes, or agent/manager fees I have to pay.  Just to giv you an idea, the screenplay I just finished writing could be worth as much as $2 million.  I’m also working on a book, and if I finish it while under your roof, the proceeds from it will be yours FOREVER. Wait, that’s capitalist exploitation, right? Well, if you feel guilty, you can give me some of it.

Your likely fear or reluctance is that I will bring maleness into your house, and if you’re the kind of couple I’m looking for, you wouldn’t want that.  There is no need to worry.  I hate male energy too.  I have zero tolerance for misogyny and patriarchy (hence I’m offering to take up a submissive position relative to a pair of women), I’m pro-LGBTQ, I don’t drink beer, I’m clean and organized (and I enjoy cleaning and organizing things), I don’t watch sports except a little NBA basketball here and there, I don’t play video games, I don’t watch a bunch of stupid, violent action movies, I don’t wear tank-tops and cargo shorts—I actually wear clothes.  I would be a positive addition to a lesbian home.

Obviously, there would be more details to discuss and work out, and naturally, we would have some questions for each other.  If you think you may wish to discuss this, send me an e-mail through the contact link on this page.  


Michael


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