Alright, Scarlett Johansson (Hollywood), It’s GO TIME!
I don’t know what it is. but for many years now, for me the month of October usually starts out DISASTROUSLY. This year was no different.
On October 9, I was arrested and held involuntarily at the hospital for four days in what I regard as a case of kidnapping and false imprisonment. This happened at perhaps the worst possible time as it cost me more than $1,000 in extra charges at the hotel where I was staying, a fact I didn’t discover until I had already packed up and moved to Las Vegas.
I suppose some palms had to be greased for that awesome little miracle service that someone must have arranged for my hotel to provide, but had I expected that cost, I might have done things differently.
So now here I am in Las Vegas with a frighteningly low balance in my bank account, trying to figure out how I’m going to make it three weeks on one week’s worth of money. I’m physically, mentally and spiritually EXHAUSTED.
So why did I come to Las Vegas? First, it’s basic economics: Vegas is cheaper than San Diego. But more than that, California has become a state filled with bad memories for me. Vegas is just the opposite. Nearly every place I pass is a good memory.
I arrived and I walked straight to the place in the Aria where I saw Scarlett. That space is smaller and darker than I remembered. I can’t believe I was THAT close to her and didn’t recognize her. Maybe it was someone else...
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Don’t start that stupid shit again. You know it was me.
The walls in that area are dark brown, but in my memory they glow luminescent silver. That glow is coming from inside Scarlett.
Scarlett, I’ve said I was ALL-IN on you and I think I’ve proven it. I’ve let everything go. I’ve got nothing left to give but my work, and I want to give it to you. I created it, so it is my choice what to do with it. I know you’re married—this isn’t about that (though if Colin’s time’s up, I’m still AVAILABLE!).
I have this script I wrote for you. I also really need Amanda Seyfried and Jet Li, if you get along with them. If people thought my script All-Nighter was any good, they’ll love this. I know you’ll like it. I just know you will. but the upside for you is that it will cost you NOTHING. I want to give you this script. I’ll give you All-Nighter, too. And this other script I wrote called Groupie. This is my job application, and I won’t lie to you: I’m desperate!
The great thing about me is I can and will do ANYTHING (pretty much). I don’t mind cleaning toilets or sweeping floors...not for someone like you. If you want, you can lock me in your basement and have me write Saturday Night Live skits for your husband and I’ll be happy (I’m not a comedian but I’ve got one that’s really funny. speaking of comedy, you can also have the rap music parody movie I wrote. At your age and being from New York, there is some chance you might be amused by that. I’m not sure how easily I can find a copy of that, as I lost two computers that contained most of my past writing work, one erased by my sister, the other stolen by my parole officer. But anyway, I have All-Nighter, finished. I have Groupie, mostly finished, could be completed in a week. But I’m most excited about this new one. It’s basically done but for formatting and a couple of scenes I’ve written in my head but not yet typed. I could have a polished draft ready to go in a week or less.
So this is it, Scarlett. Now is the time. If you’re interested, send someone you trust down here to get me, but better yet, if you can, come get me yourself! If any of you other Hollywood people want to beat Scarlett to the punch, I’m easy to find in Vegas. Just hang around the Aria and I’ll be by. But I’m really really hoping Scarlett will come meet me where I saw her all those years ago.
This is the end of the line, Hollywood. I’ e got no more cards to play. Either I make it now, or I give up on writing. I saw a “Help Wanted” sign outside a cheap hotel yesterday—$20 an hour. I thought, “Maybe I’d better go apply.”. It’s either that or try to make a living betting on the dudes that I know are for real like LeBron James, Canelo Alvarez and GIANNIS ANTETOKOUNMPO.
Of course, there is one other option. Rain Man was a little slow. And Will Hunting? He was alright, but I didn’t just clean the floors at Stanford, I actually went there. I can count an INFINITE deck. Well, an infinite deck is probably not possible in this universe, but if it was, I could count it. Shout out to Jason Halpin: you can hire me or play against me. If they force my hand, I’ll break the MGM Sports Book like Matt Dillon broke the Gem Club craps game in The Big Town. Please believe it! Just give me Room 37037 at the Vdara and a job!
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