Porn, Part III: “What Do You Want?”
Porn, as sexual entertainment, mirrors our society’s relationship to sex: We don’t talk about it. Well, we talk about it, but we have so many taboos and repressions and hang-ups that those conversations are self-censored to the point of being useless. My goal in this article, on this blog, and in this era of my life is to bring that to an end.
In writing this and my prior two pieces on porn, I realized that the book I have in mind is really necessary, as there is far more that needs to be said than can be covered in a few lengthy internet essays. In the course of working on this third part, I realized that I was veering off into other issues and it was becoming too unfocused, so I spun it out into two separate parts—this one that deals with issues more directly related to porn and my personal experiences with it, and another soon forthcoming entitled “Sex, Drugs and Rock’n’Roll: How Liberals Lost The Culture War”, which deals with my view that already Puritanical American society is actually becoming even MORE conservative in its lifestyle values.
This piece recaps most of the important points from my prior two pieces on porn, so it is not strictly necessary to read the earlier parts to follow this article. But if you’re very interested in what I’m talking about and want to know even more, you can read the prior two parts here:
The Elephant in the Room: Porn: https://thejmatgirls.blogspot.com/2020/02/the-elephant-in-room-porn.html?m=1
The Long Goodbye (Porn Part II): https://thejmatgirls.blogspot.com/2020/04/the-long-goodbye-porn-part-ii.html?m=1
Finally, I will give the warning that I’m not talking AROUND porn here; I’m talking ABOUT it. Thus, this article contains explicit, and I do mean EXPLICIT, discussion of sex, in both a general and personal context. And it’s not written in evasive academic language. This article about porn IS verbally pornographic and it is written in the common “vulgar” vernacular of porn. So, if you can’t handle that, you should read no further...
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There is a girl named Kayden Kross who is one of the more beautiful women ever to do porn. That is getting to be a harder and harder distinction to make as there are so many supermodel-beautiful girls in porn these days, which was not the case in the past. Kayden has this particularly awesome video, and at the beginning of it, she looks into the camera and asks, “What do you want?”. You hear this question in porn, but there is something about her and the way she asks it that, when I hear it, I feel like it requires an answer of me. And I realize that my answer is, “I don’t know, Kayden.”. Or it was...
Oh, I know what I want out of a relationship. I always have. I know the qualities I want in a partner. I always have. But in terms of what I actually wanted my sex life to be like, I could never develop a coherent answer. I vacillated between the extremes of thinking that celibacy was the only truly ethical choice, and feeling like the Philip Seymour Hoffman line from The Talented Mr. Ripley: “Don’t you want to fuck every woman you meet just once?”. As I’ve mentioned in prior writings, up until I was almost thirty years old, it was my goal, MY GOAL, to only ever sleep with one woman in my life.
From the time I was a small child, porn was fascinating to me because of the paradox it represented. Yes, I knew about porn when I was a small child. I talk about this in my earlier porn posts. I knew all about sex very early in life. Even aside from my early discovery of sexually-oriented material, I was reading college-level books when I was eight years old, so I was gonna find out.
Porn was a paradox because I knew that sex, along with air, food and water, were the only things totally essential to human survival, but yet it was so taboo that you could hardly talk about it, let alone SHOW it or be seen doing it. Even at ten years old, I looked at that and thought, “That’s totally fucking stupid! Is everybody in this world a moron?!?”.
I never saw actual video porn until I was sixteen or seventeen, and the way porn was made back then, in the early to mid 90s, I wasn’t into it. And so-called classic porn, from the 70s and 80s, I’ve got NO INTEREST. It’s terrible, though a lot of the softcore stuff from back then, Emmanuelle and such, is fairly good.
For a while when I was like 19 or 20, in 1995, I rented a bunch of videos, but I didn’t find anything that was of much interest, and gave up on video porn for a few years. The video quality and the camera work were poor. The girls weren’t that pretty. And the guys seemed overtly and intentionally disgusting. Not that I was watching for them, but seeing Rodney Moore fucking a young, hot girl was creepy not arousing.
Watching porn was like navigating a minefield of things I didn’t want to see to find the small percentage of things that I could tolerate, or even enjoy. While on the one hand, it was recreational, on the other hand, my porn viewing was like a gigantic research study to understand my own sexuality, and the habits and attitudes of other people.
As time went on, my study of porn narrowed down to mostly concern the question of who the girls of porn really were, and in particular who they were in relation to the girls that I knew in the “real world”. Why did I never cross paths with them? Girls had elaborate networks of friendships—why hadn’t any girl I knew (or any guy for that matter), ever said, “I have a friend that does porn,” or even “I’ve done porn.”?
In time, my curious quest to make sense of porn narrowed down to five particular girls. At the top of that list were Tori Black and Charley Chase, who I’m going to talk about more later. But then there were three girls that I found myself watching successively in one particular night who all shared an interesting thing in common: Candy Glitter, Morgan Rain and Cameron Canada.
Depending on your perspective, it is arguable whether Candy Glitter actually qualifies as a pornstar. She does dirty talk videos, and I don’t know what’s on her pay site, but in the videos I’ve seen, she always had clothes on, though in some cases, it is (really cute) see-through lingerie, and she is always alone. But she says very naughty things...
Most of Candy’s videos are domination and humiliation themed. Her porn schtick is that she’s a “mean, bratty dominant princess” who insults the viewer for being a masturbation-addicted loser, having a small penis, being a premature ejaculator, and so on. I enjoy videos like these even though I don’t have any of these problems. I don’t fully understand why I like these videos. Sometimes watching them, I suddenly feel bad and I wonder, are there guys out there who are that down on themselves and these girls are exploiting them for money? If so, that’s fucked up. But I don’t know. Maybe for men who are really dealing with these issues, these videos are somehow therapeutic. I don’t know.
But in Candy’s case, I like her videos because she has such a cute personality. I can tell she’s smart from the way she talks. She’s also really funny and she makes me laugh and I can tell she knows she’s funny. Just like Tori Black, it seems like what she’s doing is a big joke to her. Candy is also perfectly, ridiculously smoking hot.
When you really think about it, all entertainment is interactive, but porn even moreso than most. I play silly little games with porn to amuse myself. One of the things Candy does is to repeatedly call you the viewer a “strokeaholic loser” that can’t help jerking off for her. So of course, I refuse to masturbate while watching Candy’s videos! There’s NO WAY I’m going to let her make me!
But trying to sit through Candy’s videos while she’s standing there looking smoking hot and saying the dirtiest, sexiest things, and NOT doing it, it’s silly and it’s stupid, but for some reason, it’s fun, like a challenge. If I keep watching her stuff, someday, she’ll win the war, but that day is not TODAY! As I’m watching, I’m always thinking to myself, “You can’t make me masturbate, Candy. But if I ever met you in real life and I had the chance, you’d be the one who would end up addicted...”
Candy’s got this one video where she isn’t doing the humiliation thing. She’s wearing this really hot sheer black see-through bikini thing, and she’s actually being nice, and it’s SO HOT, it almost gets me every time. But I can’t let her make me do it! OMG, she’s so cute!
There is a weird time-shift quality to porn. You never knew when the stuff you were watching was made. I first saw Morgan Rain like ten years ago. Today she’s probably close to forty and long retired from porn. But in the two videos of hers that are the subject here, she claims to be 19.
Morgan somewhat resembles young Britney Spears, but she’s actually cuter than Britney Spears. Being cuter than Britney Spears is like being richer than Bill Gates—a few people are, but...yeah, so Morgan’s really, really cute.
Unlike Candy Glitter, Morgan Rain is a “do anything” pornstar with videos of her engaged in every conceivable type of activity. But I’m not interested in watching Morgan get nailed by some dude with a freakishly enormous cock. The two videos of hers that I like, she’s alone, with clothes on, looking into the camera talking.
I watch a lot of dirty talking videos. It is a huge turn-on to me when it’s done right, but it’s usually not done right. There is a girl named Isabella Valentine I’ll be discussing a bit more later, who makes erotic audio recordings and they are hotter to me than most porn. It’s hard to define what makes a girl good at dirty talk. Two different girls can say the exact same thing and it has a totally different effect. But I’ve noticed a few things: older women are generally better at it than younger women; the less attractive pornstars are generally better at it than the prettier ones; and strangely, British pornstars are a lot better at it than American ones.
What’s remarkable about Morgan’s videos is that the really young girls are very rarely ANY good at dirty talk at all. They say all the right words, but it’s not in the words. But Morgan’s one of the best, so it’s intriguing.
As a rule, young girl porn doesn’t do it for me. A big part of that is that innocence, real or pretend, is not and has never been an attractive quality to me. Not that I’m into bad girls necessarily, but I’ve always wanted a woman who had enough experience to be clear on what she wanted. Other guys hunted for virgins. I did NOT want that responsibility. That’s how I looked at it, as a responsibility, because if I’d somehow ruined a girl’s first time, I’d have felt guilty about that FOREVER.
So the obsession with virginal-acting 18-year old girls that permeates porn didn’t appeal to me. And, with a few exceptions, girls that age didn’t appeal to me. I’ve usually liked women a little older than me. There has only been one time I was into an 18-year old since I was 18 myself. But Morgan Rain was one of those rare exceptions for me in porn—a really young-looking girl that I thought was smoking hot. And it was mainly because she knew how to TALK!
The last of these three girls was Cameron Canada. Like Morgan Rain, I first saw Cameron like ten years ago, so she might be 50-years old today! The first video I saw, it’s just her face, looking into the camera talking. Like Morgan, Cameron has done it all in porn, but her solo talkies are what I really like.
The thing about Cameron...well, it’s two things. First of all, she’s smoking hot PERFECT! Perfectly beautiful face, perfectly beautiful body, perfectly beautiful pussy, perfectly beautiful everything...even her toes and her butthole are cute. She is PERFECT! Cutest girl ever in porn.
And the other thing is, she projects a lovable, adorable personality where I feel like, I just KNOW I’d love that girl if I met her. And I’m assuming from her choice of a porn name and listening to her voice that she is from Canada, and I still haven’t met a Canadian I didn’t like. They are so nice.
And Cameron is actually a pretty decent actress. She’s got this one video where it’s just her alone talking to the camera (well, she eventually does a little more than talk), and she’s acting out this scene where she’s a nerdy girl trying to convince her male friend that his girlfriend is a bitch. At the beginning of the video, she’s wearing sweats and glasses, and she’s not even talking dirty yet, she’s just complaining about the imaginary guy’s girlfriend, and she is so SMOKING HOT...OMG. She’s just so cute, I can’t take it!
She leaves and changes into a tight minidress that’s kinda cute, sans glasses and with makeup. She’s still PERFECT like this, but to me she was actually CUTER as the tomboy nerd. I don’t know how old this video is, so I don’t know what Cameron looks like today, but at the time that video was filmed, she was one of the top 10 cutest girls I’ve EVER seen ANYWHERE! And the way she talks, it’s just so adorable. She’s a pornstar and I want to hug her more than fuck her. Well, maybe hug her THEN fuck her.
But what was fascinating about these three girls, Candy, Morgan and Cameron, was something I thought of one night when I watched the three of them in succession. As is often the case these days when I’m watching porn, I wasn’t masturbating. I was experiencing a different kind of fascination apart from sexual arousal, even though these girls are so smoking hot.
It was an article of faith amongst men of my generation that the prettier a girl was, the less sexual you could expect her to be. And until about ten to fifteen years ago, porn seemed to reflect this. When I first started watching porn in the mid-90s, my perception was that pornstars were mostly average-looking girls with lots of makeup and big hair. There were beautiful girls in softcore magazines like Playboy and Penthouse. There were beautiful girls in softcore erotica movies on “Skinemax”. But there weren’t any beautiful girls sucking cock on camera. Notably, I had seen some stuff from European porn company Private, and there were truly beautiful girls there, but while very well-produced, their stuff was shot in a glossy, soft-focus, fast-edited music video style I didn’t like.
But by around 2010, it became noticeable that there was a growing contingent of Hollywood-beautiful, magazine-cover beautiful girls in porn, and unlike the few and far between really beautiful pornstars of the past, whose performances were generally unenthusiastic and sexually limited, these were beautiful girls who would do ANYTHING with a smile.
These girls have only continued to grow in number up to the present. But it didn’t really hit me until I was watching Candy, Morgan and Cameron that the old stereotype that you could expect the less attractive pornstars to be the dirtier ones was completely out the window. Possibly even REVERSED!
It reminded me of an article I’d read in a Jewish journal about Jewish women and sex that was saying that, as a result of stereotype of Jewish women being sexually repressed, a lot of Jewish girls become extra-sexual in a deliberate effort to not be that stereotype. Very similar to how I make a deliberate effort to go the opposite direction of all the negative stereotypes of Black men. This article mentioned there being a lot of Jewish girls in porn, which I had never particularly noticed. That will be a topic I explore more a bit later.
As I was watching Candy, Morgan and Cameron, I realized that I was transfixed by hearing these three girls who were so beautiful saying naughty things. Beautiful girls weren’t supposed to talk like that! They were supposed to marry rich guys and move to Santa Barbara.
For me, there was an almost mystical quality about hearing girls that beautiful talk that way. There has been no shortage of beautiful women who have passed through my life. From casual conversations, to business relationships, up to close friendships, I’ve had interactions of varying depth with many girls who have been paid money to stand in front of cameras, or could have been if they had so chosen. But I never had a sexual relationship with any of those girls. In real life, I’ve literally never heard a beautiful girl talk as explicitly about sex as these girls in porn talk. I’ve heard very few girls talk that way at all.
But I was watching Candy and suddenly a sad thought came over me. I thought, I look at girls like Candy, and Morgan and Cameron, and I think, they are gorgeously perfect, and they seem funny and interesting. If I found a girl like that, I’d treat her like a queen and STOP LOOKING for more girls. But I thought to myself that the reality of their lives was that while guys like me were watching them with awe, their real lives were being treated as disposal sex toys by rich assholes who would fuck them six ways from Sunday and forget their name by Monday morning. Or maybe never even bother to ask their name.
But I didn’t know if that was true. What I hoped was true about someone like Candy Glitter was that she was a smart, enterprising young woman who figured out that if she started a website, and could get just a thousand guys to sign up and pay $10 a month to hear her talk dirty, she’d never have to work some bullshit job. But what I feared was that she’d been talked into doing it by a loser boyfriend to pay for instruments for his shitty band, and now he had split, and her website wasn’t getting members and she was sleeping with rich assholes who messaged her on Twitter to make ends meet because now she couldn’t go get that shitty job because she had done porn.
I wondered what the love lives—not the sex lives, but the LOVE lives—of porn stars were actually like. And certain things I saw, and an occasional look I’d catch in their eyes for just a flash here or there made me fear, “These girls are just like me—UNLOVED.”.
As I’ve mentioned, I love the movie Jennifer’s Body. About ten years ago, I declared on Facebook that it is one of the greatest movies ever made and that I was going to publish a review to back that up. It’s very overdue, but that’s on the short list of things I’m working on right now. The attitude I felt women were projecting toward me about sex is encapsulated perfectly by a line Megan Fox has in that movie...
Jennifer’s Body is a dark comedy, and it’s hard to get dark comedy right. It depends very heavily on line delivery, and a lot of people still won’t get it as they didn’t get this movie. To Megan Fox’s credit, her line delivery in this film is perfect. She has a lot of darkly comic lines that would seem bad if not delivered right, and she does it right.
There is a scene where she is in a van with some creepy musicians and they are driving her off into the middle of nowhere. She doesn’t know it, but they think she’s a virgin and intend to sacrifice her to Satan to help their music career. Even not knowing this, she’s starting to get scared because they’re acting weird. So, one of them asks her if she’s a virgin.
She’s thinking a virgin is NOT what they want, that they picked her up because she’s a slut. So she responds, “I’ve never done sex. I don’t even know how.”.
You have to hear the way she says it to get how funny it is. But that’s the attitude I felt women I knew were projecting to me about sex. I knew they were, in many cases, highly sexual like Megan’s character in the movie, but they seemed to want to present a non-sexual face to me, apparently not knowing that other guys who by and large couldn’t stand me were coming to report on every graphic detail of the sex lives of the women I loved because they thought it would hurt my feelings. The only reason it did was because I felt like, “Jesus Christ, are you trying to fuck every guy in the world EXCEPT me?!?”.
What I didn’t know then but know now is that I had given women plenty of reason to think I was a Puritan and that I would think less of them if I knew they were sleeping with a lot of guys. But this was not NECESSARILY the case. What I wanted was for girls to be honest about their sexuality whatever it was, including and most importantly, being honest with me about their interest in me or lack thereof when they could plainly see that I liked them and they wanted to call themselves my friend. A friend wouldn’t lead on a friend, and I felt like a lot of girls led me on, only to act surprised and/or offended when I told them I had romantic or sexual interest in them.
This “I’ve never done sex. I don’t even know how.” attitude seemed to be projected by most intelligent, educated professional girls of the type that I liked. It was actually one of the bulwarks of the Ugly Girl Feminist philosophy that had intellectually captured them and me. Conservatives told women not to be sexual because it was evil. Liberals told women not to be sexual because it was beneath them, and men like me were convinced that to see a girl sexually was almost automatically to demean her.
But the rub was that I knew that this attitude was phony. As I got older, I figured out that girls were having sex, and as a rule, the prettier girls were having LOTS of it. But all this sex was only going on with certain guys that girls liked who had lots and lots of partners, while the average man only had a few, or none.
This group of guys that girls liked was more diverse than the guys on the outside looking in wanted to believe. It wasn’t JUST hunky studs, athletes, rock stars and rich guys, although it was a lot of those. One of the most successful womanizers I’ve ever known was really short and poor, and had sickle cell anemia, but he was smart, and funny and charismatic and girls LOVED him. So there was something else besides big muscles, big bank accounts, and big cocks. But by definition, if you were one of the guys on the outside, you didn’t know what it was, and this was a frustration that led a lot of lonely men into misogyny.
I never went down the road to misogyny, although I flirted with it a little for a few brief periods after especially painful heartbreaks. But my instinct was to trust girls even though I couldn’t understand what they were doing. But I became fascinated not so much with porn as with pornstars. I respected them because, to me, they were amongst the only women in society who were openly, honestly and unrepentantly sexual. So as someone who had seen through the stigmatization of sex almost as soon as I came out of the womb, I wanted to know who these girls were, what their stories were. I wasn’t as interested in the old days when they performed like they might very well be hostages. I figured then that they were just girls forced into it out of desperation. But this new crop of porn stars who seemed happy in their work, and were apparently making big money doing it, I was curious about them.
I heard a girl say something in a porno that was at first disturbing, but then when I thought about it, it was really hot. She said, “When I was a little girl, I always wanted to grow up to be a pornstar.”. Now, we are so programmed, and rightly so, that when we hear “little girl” in a sexual context, our brain red flags it. But when I thought about it, I realized what she was saying: “Nobody’s making me do this. I’m not desperate. This is the life I WANT!”. And that’s the fantasy modern porn sells, whether the girls really feel that way or not. I forgot who that girl was. I remember the scene that followed being kinda hot. Somebody’ll tell me her name.
But in time, I realized, I’d never figure out the girls of porn unless I conducted a deeper examination of the MEN of porn...
A phenomenon that had long fascinated me in life was when I noticed that I shared the same taste in women with another guy. Perhaps if I’d been comfortable talking to other men about sex and relationships, I’d have learned more about this and it wouldn’t have been a mystery to me. But I didn’t talk to other guys about this stuff because they were always saying mean things about girls and I didn’t want to hear it.
I most often noticed this same taste thing in contexts that disturbed me. I did not like it when it seemed I shared the same taste in girls with a guy who would appear not to be nice them. For example, almost all Michael Bay’s female leads are girls high on my smoking hot list. Most of Harvey Weinstein’s victims are smoking hot. Most of Andrew Cuomo’s accusers are smoking hot.
But in this context, I was more interested in the brighter side of this. There were three guys in porn who seemed to share taste similar to mine AND made what I considered to be good porn. And there was a fourth guy...we’ll get to him.
The first was Billy Watson. Billy produced three porn series: ManoJob, which was handjob movies, The Dicksuckers which...well, if you can’t figure out what those are...and Mr. POV, which featured a full go-round of sexual activities, shot in point-of-view style where you don’t see the guy other than his cock at work. I think it’s Billy himself in most of these scenes in all three series, but some other guys do appear. It’s weird when you realize you can recognize other men by their penises LOL.
What was notable was that just about every girl I liked in porn had appeared in a Billy Watson video, or a few of them. When I discovered a new girl that I liked, it was very often in one of his videos. And seemingly every time I was searching for clips of a new girl I’d just discovered somewhere else, I’d find she had a video in one or more of the Billy Watson series. Billy, like me, seems to like girls with smaller boobs and casts a lot of them. He even reached back to get two of the small handful of pornstars from the 90s that I’d actually liked and hadn’t seen in years until they resurfaced as “MILFS” in Billy’s videos, Kaylynn and Kiki D’Aire. I think the only well-known girls I REALLY liked in the contemporary era that I don’t think ever worked with Billy are Tori Black and Brianna Love. Out of all my favorite girls in porn right now, maybe HALF I first saw in a Billy Watson video.
Billy does really good work. His videos are very professionally made, the girls almost always seem happy and enthusiastic in their work. Billy has a unique “innovation” in all three of his series that I love. I’ve mentioned how I love dirty talking, and a lot of movies will have the girl alone talking at the beginning of the scene. Billy does this, and he has the girls talk a lot throughout, but then at the END of every scene, he cuts in a extra couple of minutes of the girl sitting there talking really dirty and encouraging the viewer to masturbate, and these clips are SO HOT. Billy really knows how to get girls who know how to TALK. I’ve watched enough of his videos to know that he (or someone) is writing the lines for most of the girls as a lot of them say exactly the same thing, but they deliver them well enough that they don’t sound coached.
But then, I saw something that surprised and disappointed me. One of the many things that annoys me to no end about porn is this phenomenon of guys having to masturbate themselves to orgasm. One of the awesome things about Billy’s videos is that you never see this. The girls always “finish the job”.
I’ve read and heard a variety of possible explanations for the jerking off thing, and I’ve thought of a few myself, but none seemed fully satisfactory. So from time to time, usually after a great scene had been ruined for me by this, I would curiously search to try to find an explanation that made perfect sense. So after this ruins the ending of a nuclear smoking hot blowjob scene featuring Mellanie Monroe and Austin Taylor, I’m looking for answers again. Dude, if you can’t...with those two as hot as they were in that scene...
I find a porn message board thread started by another frustrated viewer like me who puts it perfectly: “I don’t fantasize about fucking Sasha Grey, and at the last moment, pulling out and jerking off furiously.”. EXACTLY.
Anyway, Billy Watson, or someone claiming to be Billy Watson, responds in the thread. To paraphrase Sean Connery in The Untouchables, “Who would claim to be Billy Watson who is not?”, so I assume it was probably really him.
What he said that surprised and disappointed me was that when he first started making porn, there were guys jerking off in his movies, but he got so much negative feedback about it that he changed it. Then he said, “As a viewer, I didn’t care as long as the girl got blasted.”.
So, it’s good that Billy responded to customer feedback while other studios are getting the same feedback and ignoring it. That’s what a good professional does. But when his “porn ethic” seemed so much to align with mine, I felt disappointed to find out he’d had to get feedback to know that dudes jerking themselves off isn’t hot unless you like dudes, and even then, girls does watching a guy masturbate do anything for you?!?
But his comment that he didn’t care “as long as the girl got blasted” brings me to the one thing I really don’t like about Billy’s movies and porn generally: I don’t get the “facial” thing. Maybe you girls actually like that?!? A lot of the girls do seem to break into genuine, spontaneous smiles when it happens.
But I personally have never felt any drive or desire to splatter semen on a girl’s face, and it has always seemed to me to be something that a man who was trying to demean the girl would want to do. But this is the way a little more than half of Billy’s videos end. I’ve talked before about how semen swallowing is very sexy, but that is a totally different thing, intimate rather than demeaning. If you’re going to give a man a blowjob, to move your mouth AWAY at the moment of orgasm kind of destroys the intimacy of it. But maybe the facial does something for girls, and guys who have a lot of sex know this, so they like doing it. I don’t know, doesn’t do anything for me. It doesn’t ruin a scene for me like the jerking off thing does. I just don’t get it.
But at the end of the day, Billy does excellent work and there is clearly something the same about us in what we like in girls. What do we share in common that makes that true? That’s the mystery. But Billy’s work is of such good quality, I feel bad about not paying him. If I had a computer and a TV right now, I’d sign up for his pay site. I like to pay for things I appreciate. Plus, if I’m still gonna be single, I REALLY need to see that whole Charley Chase ManoJob video...OMG.
As hot as Charley is, if she was actually my girlfriend in real life, I’d have to tell her to calm down and slow down. Billy appears to have told her exactly that and it’s one of the hottest scenes I’ve ever seen. There is one moment in that film too graphic and too personal for me to describe, but OMG. Hey Billy, why don’t you do me a solid and put that entire scene up somewhere I can find it in 1080p...xhamster, xvideos. I promise I’ll pay you for your work one day!
Another porn guy with whom I obviously share something in common is Mark Rockwell. Mark’s been around a long time, and I remember his name from way back, so he must be an older guy. These days, he mostly produces a series of handjob and blowjob videos called MHBHJ.
What is notable about these videos is that the girls really, actually seem to be having a good time. They are laughing and smiling in a very natural way, and you can tell by the way they go about their work, “Man, these girls really like this guy!”.
Maybe he pays the most. Maybe he has the best drugs. Or maybe he’s just a nice guy. Another thing is that he seems to work repeatedly with mostly the same small group of girls, like he’s got his own personal little harem going and the girls really like being in it. It would appear that Sasha Foxx (not to be confused with Sasha Grey) is his wife or girlfriend as she’s in like half his videos. Maybe working with the same girls over and over is part of why the girls seem so comfortable with him.
Now, my enjoyment of Mark’s videos is limited by a couple of things. Not to be too graphic about it, but Mark likes girls to do things a very different way than I do. Every guy’s penis is different, I suppose, and the type of stimulation that gets him off is not necessarily what I like. And the girls usually don’t talk much, but he talks too much, so I usually watch his stuff with the sound off. But I must say, in support of the nice-guy theory, he doesn’t sound like a jerk the way most porn guys do when I hear them say anything. He talks to the girls like he actually likes them, and says things that make them laugh.
The girls he picks are not necessarily the most attractive to me. Some are, some not so much. Sadie Holmes is the only girl I REALLY like who is one of his “regulars”. But all the girls have a performance attitude that I like, and his movies give off a general vibe of having been made in a girl-positive atmosphere. I don’t think I’ve EVER seen a girl in one of his movies that looked reluctant or bored.
The next man in question is kind of mystery—the lone male star of the Klixen Productions video series. Klixen is a middle-aged, I think German woman who has got to be the greatest living master of penis stimulation, at least in the porn world. This woman gives handjobs and blowjobs that are mind-blowingly erotic. Slow, romantic and loving-wife intimate. If you had a virgin girlfriend who had never done sex and didn’t know how, Klixen videos are where you would start to teach her at least as far as handjobs and blowjobs go.
When I first discovered Klixen over ten years ago, it was just her and her apparent husband. All she did was handjobs and blowjobs and she almost always had clothes on. Some of her videos were femdom bondage themed, with her guy in leather masks and tied down to tables and such. While I enjoy verbal femdom stuff, the bondage stuff is not really my thing.
Soon, another girl began appearing in Klixen’s videos, Daniela Hanson. Daniela was not of much interest to me because she looked totally bored, but slowly, Klixen started to add videos featuring more girls, and...OMG.
The girls in Klixen videos all performed with a similar slow, intimate intensity to hers, as if she or her husband had trained them. And they were as a rule SO smoking hot to me that it was like I had picked them out of a lineup. At first, I thought these movies were made in Germany, as Klixen rarely talks, but when she does it sounds like German she’s speaking. But the girls didn’t look European as a rule. Some looked White, but mostly they looked ethnic, many kind of Latina-ish, but I know the mannerisms and subtleties of Latina girls too well, and I know these girls aren’t.
I recently realized, these movies are probably Brazilian, or perhaps Argentinian. There are a lot of Germans in Brazil and Argentina, the upper class are mostly White, which would be the White-looking girls, and the Latina-ish girls are darker skinned Brazilians. This would be somewhat surprising as, contrary to their reputations, I generally don’t find Brazilian women that hot or Brazilian porn to be that good. But the girls, if they are Brazilian, look different from other Brazilian girls I’ve seen, and the quality of the videos is different from other Brazilian porn I’ve seen that is usually frantic and over-aggressive. This is something totally different...
All these videos would appear to feature the same guy, Klixen’s apparent husband. And man, if I watch Mark Rockwell and think the girls really like that guy, I watch these videos and I think, “these girls really LOVE that guy!”. I mean, these girls suck and rub this guy’s cock with such passionate, loving, romantic affection, I can’t help but wonder, “What the hell did he do to deserve this!?!”.
So look, I am a student of theology. I started my studies under my father, who had already been a minister for more than twenty years when I was born. I’m not a religious person in the traditional way, but I’ve spent more time studying religion—a lot more time—than your average person with a Ph.D. in theology. I have a radical theory that if you read the quotes attributed to Jesus carefully, and consider them in the context of the times, he’s saying that heaven is a big orgy, but that sort of stuff isn’t safe here, so you gotta wait for it.
Indeed, if God was real, and made us with this virtually limitless sexual desire, and we were supposed to go through life resisting it as a test of moral discipline, and we NEVER got to fulfill it, even after we made it through that test? That would make God a con artist.
Fuller explication of this theological theory, and its implications for what I believe contemporary sexuality should be will have to wait for another day (spoiler alert: I think it’s time to FUCK!). But I say all that to say that watching Klixen Productions videos feels like watching outtakes from heaven.
There are only two interrelated things that hold the Klixen videos back from perfection. The first is the fact the girls never talk. I’m assuming this is a smart marketing decision since they probably don’t speak English, and hearing girls say things I don’t understand doesn’t turn me on. I don’t even like girls talking in Spanish because the mental effort I have to put into translation distracts from arousal.
The other problem, made worse by the girls not talking is that the guy is LOUD, with lots of constant heavy breathing and moaning. And hey look, I get it, man! I don’t think I’d be able to be quiet under the exquisite sexual torture that is being inflicted on him. But you gotta be professional—put a ball gag in his mouth (I know they have one, he was sometimes wearing it in the early videos with just his wife).
But as a result of this, I usually watch these videos with the sound off. I mentioned earlier this girl Isabella Valentine who records erotic audio. Her schtick is that she can make you have an orgasm without masturbating. I’ve tried it; it works. It’s not that much fun though. I suppose it’s a good exercise to do once or twice as a man just to know that you can do it. But sorry, Isabella, I flagrantly ignore your instructions not to touch myself, and it’s much better.
When I had a TV, I would watch Klixen videos while listening to Isabella Valentine audio, and that was an almost perfect experience. Almost perfect because Isabella hasn’t made a clip that I’ve heard that is EXACTLY what I want. I was going to sign up for her pay site a while back, but she doesn’t have payment processing on her website. and wants you to like email her your credit card number. LOL, come on girl. I like you, but I’m not doing that! Not when you make financial domination tapes.
But apparently, I’m not the only one who realizes Klixen and Isabella Valentine go together like root beer and ice cream. A number of people have edited together clips of Klixen scenes with Isabella audio over them and they are so hot. There is one that is almost perfect, but in classic porn fashion, they had to do something annoying. They left in the audio of this guy’s pants and moans. God, porn annoys me so much.
But I watch these films, and I wonder who this guy is. Is he some Brazilian billionaire and this is how girls treat you when you have the power to change their lives forever? Is he a rock star? What makes these girls perform like they do with him?
But another question is, who is really the brains behind the Klixen operation? Maybe this is all her idea. Maybe she is the one picking these smoking hot girls and training them how to give perfect blowjobs. Maybe this guy really is her “sub” and she’s in charge of the entire operation. I would love to think that’s true, but knowing how the world usually works—USUALLY—I’d have to bet against it. But whatever makes Klixen Productions tick, it is really really close to the ultimate porn. I just recently saw one of their newer tapes featuring an Asian girl named May Thai (LOL), and for my money, it’s the best filmed blowjob ever...OMG.
And finally we get to the last guy in question, and though some may be offended by the language, for the sake of authenticity, I have to refer to him as I do in my head: that nigga Lexington Steele...
I swear, every time I Google video search a girl in porn I like, the first thing that comes up is a video of Lexington Steele’s cock up her ass. The girls I REALLY like, it seems like that’s what half of their videos are. I mean, how many times has Lex fucked Tori Black? Seriously! Is there a market for audiences to see that over and over and over? It’s like this dude runs the porn sites, and as soon as he sees I watched a video of a girl more than once, he immediately books a scene with her. When I’m searching for girls I like, it might as well be like I’m searching for HIM!
I’ve mentioned the fact that I don’t watch interracial porn and it makes me uncomfortable. That might seem weird to people considering that I myself am a Black man who is attracted to White girls (and all other kinds of girls). So let’s talk about it, and this is going to ENRAGE a lot of people...
What bothers me about interracial porn is basically the same as what bothers me about my fellow Black men.
Look, we live in a brutal patriarchy. Bad ideas about and bad behaviors toward women are found everywhere in our society, amongst men of every race, class and age. But the fact is, I don’t know one Black man in my life whose ideas about women, particularly White women, are not toxic. This is of those with whom I’ve had enough discussion or interaction to form an opinion. I might be a Black man that some people look at as “white-washed” or whatever, but I grew up in Black neighborhoods, and while I’ve had a diverse group of friends in my adult life, a lot of my closest friends were always Black. I know thousands and thousands of Black men, and there is NOT ONE that I would endorse as having a right mind about women. There are some guys in public life who seem alright, but Tiger and Kobe seemed alright until...
Now let’s be clear. As I said, there are toxic men in EVERY group, and in my experience, the VERY WORST attitudes toward women I’ve encountered are amongst rich White guys (like the born rich type, not like athletes or others who made good). Donald Trump’s Access Hollywood tape is exactly how they talk about girls. But there aren’t that many of them as that social class is small. I know a lot of working class and middle class White, Asian and Latino guys who seem to have basically upstanding attitudes toward girls.
And when I say every Black man I know has toxic ideas about women, the LEVEL to which its true varies. For example, in a lot of cases, it’s super-religious guys, a large contingent of the Black community, who would never explicitly abuse a woman, but they believe an interpretation of the Bible that holds that men should dominate women and women should be meek and subservient. Toxic.
Then you got the flip side, the non-church going Black men who are into the street life culture, and so on. They generally hold that all women except their mom are bitches and whores, and they think White girls are stupid and easy.
Then you got the pro athlete types, and we know the deal with them. Not all. I’d bet LeBron James is a solid family man and is nice to girls. But see the late Kobe Bryant...I don’t KNOW.
Then you got the upwardly mobile, professional Black men like I went to college with, who look good to the public eye, married, stable and all that. These guys have egos where they think they are such the shit because they aren’t a total failure like so many Black men are, that they think they have the right to do whatever they want, and most of them are running around on their wives like there’s no tomorrow, or if they are single, running through as many girls as they can to they to keep up with the rappers and ball players they are jealous of.
This is gonna be hard medicine for a lot of people to swallow, but these are the facts.
So in light of all this, when I see Lexington Steele with these girls that I like, and the tone of the way the films are made seems to reflect the overly aggressive, selfish, toxic sexuality of so many Black men, I can’t help but wonder what’s really going on. It makes me wonder about the architecture of the porn industry and I want to bust in while they’re filming a scene and be like, “Get your hands off Tori!”...or get your cock out of her is more like it...
Don’t get me wrong. This is not jealousy. I wouldn’t want Lex’s job. I realized when I first started watching porn—that job SUCKS! I’m sure it’s fun at first, but pretty quickly sex is ruined because you’ve done it all. It’s too much, too fast. I’m sure there are many mornings these days Lex lays in bed thinking, “Man, I don’t wanna go fuck Tori Black today. I wish I had that dude Michael David’s number, and I’d send him to go do her if he likes her so much...”.
No, I wasn’t jealous of Lex. I’m sure I’ve had a lot of privileges in life he would look at and say he wished he could have had. Life’s like that. I would NOT trade places with Lex.
My fascination and sort of joking frustration with him was the extent to which he seemed to be performing all the time with the girls that I liked, and seemingly most frequently with the girl I liked the most. But what is the actual relationship between Tori Black and Lexington Steele? Was he actually the guy she was married to? Is it like he is her pimp and she’s his whore, and if she’s got $8 million dollars, he’s driving around somewhere with $80 million? Or is it more like he’s the employee and he works for her? Or are they both working for The Man? Do they actually really like each other and fuck on their own time, or could they possibly even be a successful team of work colleagues who don’t actually get along, like Shaq and Kobe?
When I was seeing some tiny White girl with Lex’s cock stuffed in her ass, or seeing Tori on her knees with Lex and five of his buddies lined up to ejaculate on her face, was I seeing girls being victimized as the anti-porn activists asserted?
I want to be clear again. I had the same worries about most of the stuff produced in porn, not just interracial porn. The interracial stuff seemed noticeably worse, but most porn seemed to have that overly aggressive, quasi-violent style. The thing was, in interracial porn, there was no Mark Rockwell or Klixen Productions type stuff to offset that.
Interracial porn reinforced the stereotype that Black men are sexual animals. But I couldn’t blame the porn industry, because I knew these were the attitudes so many Black men actually had, and furthermore, I knew that was what a lot of girls were looking for in a sexual hookup with a Black man. It was my impression most of the types of White girls that liked Black guys, if they slept with me, they’d go Joe Biden on me, “Man, you ain’t BLACK! I want my money back.”
But I took this personally that other Black men were out in the world behaving in a way that would cause a negative stereotype to be attached to me when it was the opposite of the way I was. When I would get profile stopped by a cop, I blamed the cop for not being able to tell the difference between me and a thug, but I also blamed the thugs for creating the situation where cops think every Black man is riding around with guns and drugs in his car because so many are.
Likewise, while I blamed society for stigmatizing interracial relationships, I also blamed other Black men for talking about and treating girls in a way that made us look like savages and made those fears seem justified.
But here is what I never stopped to take into account until I was working on this piece, and it took my thoughts in another direction that eventually led me to the long-sought-after explanation for all the strange things about porn: What if Lexington Steele was actually an actor?
What I mean is, what if the misogyny and quasi-violence of porn wasn’t how the guys really were or what the girls really wanted, but business people selling an audience of mostly toxically misogynist men what it wanted. What if Lexington Steele was no more the Mandingo character he portrays than Tom Cruise is a secret agent?
I knew the girls in porn were acting to different degrees and with varying levels of skill. But I had never stopped to think before that the kind of misogynistic attitude of men in porn might be an act, too. But if they were acting, who were they really, and where did they come from?
That led me to another curious question about Lexington Steele, and all the other Black men in porn. Why had I never heard of any of them in real life?
Look, I am deeply plugged in to the Black community. I have social or family or church connections to an extensive list of prominent Black Americans in entertainment, sports, politics, business, everywhere. Why has no one ever said to me, “You know, Lexington Steele, that’s so-and-so’s cousin” or “Blackzilla’s family went to Pastor Williams’ church” or “Keisha’s brother Kenny is doing porn now.”. I’d NEVER heard that, and Black people, if they knew Lex and these other guys, they’d talk about it.
So while I had direct personal connections to Black pro athletes and actors and musicians, I’d never heard a word in real life about a Black male porn star. And there was the answer. Who were a group of Black men that I would never hear about in the Black community? And suddenly, I came to the one theory that would explain every mysterious thing about porn...
Years ago, I’d been told a few times that all the men in porn were gay, and that doing gay porn was the only way to get the “fantasy job” of being a guy in straight porn. But this seemed preposterous on its face. I mean, I was watching these guys. I KNEW they weren’t gay. I knew that a few of the big male porn stars had indeed started out in gay porn, and I knew that there was a major subgenre of porn that involved men engaged in bisexual activities, but all male porn stars being gay was obviously ludicrous.
The truth was staring me in the face, but I couldn’t see it because of one thing. The BISEXUAL man is totally invisible in our society. I was thinking they had to be gay or straight, but the OBVIOUS truth, that makes all the sense in the world, is that most of the guys in porn, like most of the girls in porn, would be BISEXUAL.
All of what I found mysterious about porn would be explained if what porn actually represented was the lone economic product of the most sexually liberated segment of the bisexual community.
We don’t think much about the existence of a bisexual community. We lump them into LGBTQ and the general thinking of our society is that most girls dabble in bisexuality and that any man who EVER has sex with another man, or even thinks about it, is a “fag”.
But it stands to reason that there would be a bisexual community apart from the gay community. Maybe porn was their product, and porno sex was, in a manner of speaking, the special gift that bisexual girls gave to the men that were as open-minded sexually as they were. Maybe porno sex was the way things are done in the bisexual community, and they had commoditized it, selling porn to poor and middle class men, and selling mind-blowing sex to rich guys through high-priced escort services.
This was such a lucrative enterprise in our sexually repressed society, that it created enough wealth for all porn stars, male and female, big stars and marginal figures, to live comfortably without being a part of the bullshit rat-race, which would explain the infrequency with which they were encountered in mainstream society. Like with gays, they would have communities where they lived clustered near each other and mainly socialize together. But unlike gay neighborhoods, which are obvious because of the overwhelming prevalence of same-sex couples, the bisexual neighborhoods would be inconspicuous to those who didn’t know because genders would be mixed and same-sex couples wouldn’t stand out. The more I thought about it, the more sense this made.
In a fashion similar to the fact that there exists a “gay underground network”, there would exist a “bi underground network” of powerful privately bisexual people who would support one another and help each other out. The porn industry would only be a small part of the bisexual community, but other bisexual people would support them privately, being in on the knowledge that the industry was “theirs”.
This would explain why I’d never heard of Lexington Steele, if indeed he and his colleagues are bisexual. The Black community is toxically homophobic and it’s hard enough being a gay Black man. But being a bisexual Black man is utterly untenable. So Black men who wanted to live this identity openly would have to get as far away from the Black community as possible, and they’d probably do this early in life before they had too many Black social connections.
This would explain the jerking off thing, as if you were a bisexual man, maybe bisexual leaning toward gay, there might be certain days a girl didn’t do it for you, or certain girls who didn’t do it for you on any day. So you have to do it yourself. But these guys would have the capacity the industry requires to perform for long amounts of time under mind-blowing circumstances that would have the ordinary straight guy shooting in thirty seconds because their attraction to girls isn’t as strong.
It would explain the prevalence of one girl, multiple guy scenes. If bisexual girls are more likely to want to have a threesome with a guy, then obviously bisexual guys are going to be more likely to want to have a threesome with a girl. And maybe these girls get so hot and horny for these scenes by watching the guys make out before the camera comes on, just like a guy might get hot and horny watching two girls make out.
To advertise that the men were bisexual would have been bad for business, with the bulk of the porn audience being men who are homophobic. So the guys act like a caricature of the rough toxic misogynist male that most porn viewers want to be in their fantasies.
Certain things that were staples in porn, like double penetration, or two guys with their penises in a girl’s mouth at the same time, I’d always seen stuff like that and thought, “Oh come on, you’ve got to be gay to do that!”. To me, like to most people, “bisexual” was just not an identity option I thought of when thinking of men. And obviously, they’re not gay. So it just confused me, when the obvious answer is those men are bisexual.
If this were true, it would free me of any hint of jealousy toward the guys in porn. Not because being bisexual is so gross that I wouldn’t do it even for all the pussy in the world. That’s not what I’m thinking, and we’ll discuss that more in a while. It would free me of any jealousy because it would be justice. I’d no longer be thinking “What do these guys have that I don’t?” or “What did he do to deserve this? or “Is that some guy I know whose face I can’t see?”. It made all the sense in the world that these bisexual girls would share their most intense level of sexuality with bisexual guys. They would be the ones who deserved that.
So this got me thinking about something else curious that I had observed in life. I loved playing basketball when I was younger, and I was pretty good. But the thing that kept me from pursuing organized play was that I couldn’t stand the culture of athletes. When I hung around with them, they all seemed gay-ish to me. I thought “These dudes are just so into EACH OTHER, and I’m just not that into them.”.
But I had noticed that most of the guys in life who seemed to get all the girls, athletes, musicians, bodybuilders, even the guys that on the surface seemed like macho studs, they all had this similar “gay-ish” vibe. They obviously weren’t gay, but I was confused by it. I realized, I had noticed this same “gay-ish” vibe in the men in porn. Were the guys who got all the girls overwhelmingly secret bisexuals?
You look at all the fields of endeavor that are known for being girl-magnets: sports, music, dance, acting, military...they all have a long history of a lot of the men in them being bisexual. It was common amongst the athletes of ancient Greece, common amongst the soldiers of ancient Rome. Could it be that the practice of bisexuality amongst men never reduced from those times but just went underground mainly due to the power of the church? If so many girls are bisexual, could it be that there are far more bisexual men than anyone would think but that most all of them keep it private? If the smoking hottest girls in the world are overwhelmingly bisexual, wouldn’t it make sense that, while they may act straight in public, the guys these girls love are also bisexual themselves?
And now we get to the interesting part in this line of discussion. The part where I talk about me. My ex used to say all the time “Everyone’s bisexual.”. I would always think, “Well I’m not, so there goes that theory.”. I examined my innermost thoughts and feelings deeply. I knew I was straight, but yet the problems I had with girls drove me to the point of thinking, “Could I actually be gay, but I’m so deeply repressed that every girl that walks by me looks smoking hot?”. Girls drove me that laughably crazy.
But in time, as I got to know more and more girls who were open with me about their bisexuality, I started to feel jealous of bisexual men—jealous of their ability to be as open-minded as these bisexual girls, a few of whom I loved.
I never wanted to ask for something that was unequal in love. So if I was with a bisexual girl, and I thought that having sex with her and another girl would be hot, in all fairness, shouldn’t I be willing to reciprocate by having sex with her and another boy? Now, this isn’t a direct parallel because male and female sexuality are different, and thus gay male sex and lesbian sex are two entirely different things. But it got me thinking about this in the context of making sure my sexual attitudes were fair. And then a scene in a movie showed me the right way...
One night, I was watching Gia, the movie where Angelina Jolie plays fashion model Gia Carangi. It’s not a great movie, but like pretty much everybody, I thought Angelina was smoking hot, and I’m intrigued by the modeling industry. I love fashion, and to me modeling is a fascinating job and I would find it really interesting to have some long conversations with some of these girls about the psychological effects of doing that job, and the contrast between the fact that they create all these beautiful images, but that the culture of the industry, from what I hear, is so toxic and ugly.
And hey, people think I’m super-conservative, but I love a good party, and the wild party lifestyle that is rumored to be associated with that industry, I wouldn’t want to get stuck in it, but it’s alluring. To go to a nice penthouse suite with a couple of beautiful girls in beautiful couture dresses, drink a little wine, do a little coke and fuck watching the lights of Manhattan down below? As Melissa McCarthy said in The Heat, I’d camp out for that show all day.
So I’m watching Gia, and there’s this scene where Angelina is making out with two guys, and I think to myself, “ I wish I was open-minded enough to do that, but I’m not.”. But it got me thinking in a new direction. I started trying to think of the situation where I would be open to becoming more than zero percent bisexual. It took me almost ten years, but I finally came up with just one...
Now, because this situation involves three specific people, I have to name names or it won’t make any sense. So I’m going to have to trust that these people, the guy in particular, won’t get mad. This will be a good fun little interactive game for the audience. Stop here, take a few minutes, and try to guess who it is. It’s two girls and one guy. No, your first guess is already wrong. A lot of you will probably get the guy and one girl right, if you’ve been reading this blog. But you’re all gonna want to put one girl in it who’s not involved, so I don’t think too many of you will get all three. I don’t know, it might be obvious to girls what’s coming...
So when I first saw Ryan Reynolds, I assumed he was gay and out. I didn’t even think about it. It seemed as obvious as that you see Ellen DeGeneres and you assume she’s gay and out. But then Ryan started dating Alanis Morissette and nobody was saying he was gay, so I was like, okay, whatever, maybe he’s not.
I didn’t care. I thought he was really funny, and in fact it almost seems to me like it was part of his comedy schtick, like he was being as gay as he could, and nobody could see it or would say it and that was funny to him. But then he married Scarlett, and I was like, “What the fuck? Obviously he’s straight. He likes the same girls I like!”. And at the time, I had no idea just how much I liked Scarlett.
Gay guys date and marry women for appearances, but Alanis and Scarlett, that’s not what you would do. So I conclude that he’s just a straight guy who’s in touch with his feminine side, and people have thought I was gay when I’m not. Maybe I’m just jealous he beat me to not one but TWO of the most awesome girls ever.
But then I’m watching something on TV the other day, I forget what it was, and Ryan’s kissing a guy and looks really totally comfortable doing it. I mean, it’s not like in Milk where Sean Penn and James Franco kiss and they do a good enough job to make the scene work, but you can tell it required some effort of them (Milk is one of the greatest movies of all time, by the way).
So I just didn’t know what to make of Ryan Reynolds. But in the context of the current discussion, I consider the third option that in the past I never thought about: maybe Ryan is not gay or straight. Maybe he is, to some degree or another bisexual.
It’s none of my business and I don’t really care. But there is one thing that is certainly true about Ryan Reynolds. If somehow my Scarlett dreams come true, it never would have happened if not for him. Never.
You see, I never really had a big enough ego to think that I could date a movie star. It wasn’t something that was my goal anyway. But I thought that movie stars always went for guys who were better looking than me...like Ryan. Richer and more successful than me...like Ryan. Funnier than me...like Ryan. Except for one curious thing...
There is a girl who writes songs that sound like they’ve come from my innermost feelings that I’ve never told anyone. She’s not necessarily what every guy would think is pretty, but I think she’s beautiful. And though I didn’t know it for years, it turns out that before she became a singer, she used to be on one of my favorite television shows that I used to watch as a kid.
This girl makes a song called “21 Things I Want In A Lover”, and because I like her and her music so much, I score myself and to my surprise, I score 15-17.
So then she starts dating this actor I thought was gay, and they break up and he marries a beautiful actress that I’d loved in a movie when she was a teenage girl, but whose work has been disappointing to me since. And I’m mad at him because I think he must have just done this because he’s superficial.
But then, as time goes by, I start to like that beautiful actress more and more, until one night, I see her in Las Vegas, and she looks at me and she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. But somehow, I don’t recognize her. I don’t realize who she is.
My encounter with this girl is unforgettable, but I walk past her for a stupid reason. Then everything falls apart, I lose five years of my life, and when I finally realize that the girl I saw was this famous actress, I think, “There’s no way I’d ever have a chance with her.”. But wait...
If there is this girl who writes songs from my heart, and I have most of the qualities she says she wants in a lover, and she loved this man and he loved her, and it just so happens that this beautiful girl that I passed in the night loved him too, and he loved her too, then maybe, just maybe, I have a ghost of a chance. And given that this actress makes movies and I write screenplays, and we’re both children of oppressed peoples, and she’s Jewish and when I was a kid I spent Easter weekends on Passover shut-ins at my father’s church eating Manischewitz crackers, maybe I’d score even higher on her list of 21 Things.
But if there were no Ryan Reynolds, if that connection between these two girls didn’t exist, I would have never made the decision to write this blog, I would have never decided to turn back and try for a second chance. I’d have kept walking past Scarlett Johansson forever...
So, Ryan Reynolds, Alanis Morissette, Scarlett Johansson. Would I? LOL OBVIOUSLY I would! I’d be ridiculously homophobic if I wouldn’t try that.
Now, I need to qualify that. It’s not like it’s something that I necessarily WANT to do. It’s not on my fantasy list or anything. I’m just saying that if those three are kinky like that, and this kind of thing is done in the entertainment community, and Ryan’s wife and Alanis’ husband wouldn’t be mad, and it was something that they wanted to do, I know I’d give it a shot and see how it goes.
But let me be clear. I wouldn’t want to do this if anybody had to be talked into it, like if one of them thought it was ridiculously hot, and got on the phone to try to convince the others. No. It would have to be mutually desired by all. And I don’t want Ryan Reynolds walking around thinking I just want to do him. This is just the one and only situation I can think of where I can say I know I’d try it. Any other combination of two girls and a guy you can think of, my answer would be no.
Now look, if Scarlett liked me, I mean if she really really liked me, she could probably talk me into just about anything. I’ll tell her that up front. But this one specific instance, she wouldn’t have to talk me into it.
One more time: this is not something I WANT. But if I tried it, maybe I’d like it, maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe I’d say I never want to do that again, or maybe I’d find I want to do similar things in the future. If you want to broaden your horizons, you have to step outside your boundaries now and then.
But I definitely don’t want Scarlett to be thinking that I’d be wanting or expecting her to do things like that. Having multiple-partner sex is not really something that I need to have in my life. If I end up with a girl who is wild like that, I’m open to it. But I’d be good with only sleeping with one girl the rest of my life if it was a girl I liked as much as I like Scarlett.
And in general, that kind of scene would typically not be emotionally healthy, a guy with his two exes, unless you’re talking about people who have established a non-monogamous culture where that kind of thing is done, which perhaps is the case in the entertainment world. But I guess the fact that I would do that makes me more than zero percent bisexual. Does that make me open-minded enough for the porn girls? I don’t know.
We talk about how everyone needs intimacy, but then we structure society in such a way that it is very difficult for most people to obtain. But if intimacy was a human need, then it should be freely available to all like food and water. But when it came to intimacy, the Western world was like the third world where basic needs were scarce.
What the porno wing of the bisexual community and the people of the entertainment industry had done, if indeed I was right about them, was create a world where intimacy was shared freely and easily between members of their community. And they wouldn’t really need the rest of us because our repressions and hang-ups would make sure we kept funneling them billions and billions of dollars...just to let us see them performing the most basic and human of acts that we had somehow condemned as taboo.
I often find myself thinking of the Taye Diggs line in reference to tantric sex, from the movie Go, “If one man in ten was having the sex I’m having, there would be no war.”. I don’t think one in ten is enough, but certainly if every man was having truly great, truly emotionally intimate sex, the rate of violence in the world would drop to a fraction of what it is. I had arrived at the belief that while connecting all the dots was a challenge, all of our social dysfunctions led back to our dysfunctional attitudes about sex and relationships. And all this finally leads me around to the most interesting person in porn to me, Tori Black.
In the same silly sentimental way that I remember when I first saw Scarlett Johansson standing by the fence in the snow saying “Hello” to the world, I remember the first time I saw Tori Black in a movie.
I hardly watched any porn between early 2006 and early 2011. I had a girlfriend, and as inadequate as she was in so many ways, a real girl was a million times more interesting than porn. She didn’t ask me to stop watching it; I had no interest in watching it. After the first night we had sex, I don’t think I ever watched porn for over two years except once when she asked to watch some together.
The only exception to my non-porn viewing during this period was a few months in the middle of 2009 when we had sort of broken up and she had moved away temporarily. It was during those few months that I first saw Tori in a blowjob series call Head Case (you porn people with your silly names for everything LOL). I remember thinking, “Wow, that girl’s really cute. And she’s going to be good at this”.
It’s funny that I thought “she’s going to be good”, because a lot of girls come and go from porn. You see them in one or two scenes and then never again. But somehow I knew Tori was going to be around. It was that look, that look some people just have, and when you know it, you see it, in entertainers, in athletes. It’s the look of a person who has a plan. It’s the look of a person who’s going to make it no matter what.
But strangely, even back then, Tori’s porn didn’t really turn me on. When I came back to watching porn after my breakup in 2011, Tori had become this huge star, and although I wasn’t interested in most of the stuff she was in, for some reason, I was happy to see her be successful.
There was a big change in porn in those years I wasn’t watching. Having a super-fast internet connection at home had gone from being rare to being the norm, and this had changed porn in some fundamental ways. Rather than imitating the format of Hollywood movies—videos roughly two hours long, a collection of scenes connected to the same theme—porn was now based on streaming individual videos. This meant much more specialization in what was available, and entire websites dedicated to certain girls and certain themes.
Solo dirty talk videos had been around, but it was mostly something that had been done by less well-known porn stars in videos put out by smaller mailing-house type companies. A lot of the early solo videos featured girls masturbating but not really talking much. I wasn’t a fan of those.
But with the rise of streaming, the big porn stars had their own websites, and now they were making lots of these solo talkies to post online. There was another definitive shift in porn where, with better video quality and social media, pornstars were trying to become “interactive” and sell a more personal experience to the viewer. This meant they started talking a lot more.
I realized that having the guy out of the equation and having the girls just talk to “me” was more what I wanted, and so these videos quickly became the bulk of my porn viewing. I happened to watch one of Tori’s, and it was SO HOT...OMG. Actually, you know, the more accurate thing to say would be, it was SO WARM.
This, and another of hers that is similar, quickly became amongst my favorite videos to watch. But it was strange. They turned me on, but it was different from other porn. For example, I usually did not masturbate while watching Tori’s videos. I’m not going to lie and say I NEVER did, but it wasn’t the norm. They didn’t turn me on in that raging erection sort of way. I just liked seeing her.
Ironically, I started thinking about Tori Black more because of Sasha Grey. Despite some of their superficial similarities, Sasha and Tori were like night and day to me. Sasha’s porn doesn’t do anything for me at all. Sasha is super-cute and from a technical perspective, I guess she’s good at her job. But when I watch her she makes me feel as cold as Tori makes me feel warm.
But yet, Sasha was in what was for a long while my favorite porn scene of all time. That is the scene with Sasha, Brianna Love and Belladonna in Girl Train. I have referred to this as the Citizen Kane of porn.
That scene provoked a seismic shift in my thinking without which my decision to talk publicly about porn may have never happened. There is this shot at the beginning of Brianna and Sasha kissing, and it’s so beautiful that if I could get away with it, I’d hang a print of it on the wall in my house...in the living room.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
You’re not hanging that up in our house.
MICHAEL DAVID
Okay, how about that black-and-white shot of your butt at the beginning of Under the Skin, ‘cause that’s HOTTER!
But anyway, I was watching this one night, not for the first time, and suddenly it hit me: Those are two of the most beautiful women in the WORLD.
Before then, I hadn’t really noticed the influx of movie-screen beautiful girls into porn that I’ve been talking about. But that night, I was looking at Sasha and Brianna realizing, all these lists of the most beautiful women in entertainment that these magazines and websites put out, these girls ought to be on it, and the only reason they aren’t is because their job is stigmatized. And I resolved right then that I was going to do something about that.
The great part of that scene is the beginning when they are mostly just kissing and it’s mostly a lot of close-up shots of their faces. Later on, when they start sticking dildos in one another’s butts and stuff, it’s not all that exciting (seriously, do you girls really do that?!?). But every time I watched it, what I would find myself thinking is, “Man, I wish that was Tori instead of Sasha, and this would be PERFECT.”.
So look, just yesterday in doing research for this piece, I read an article where male porn star James Deen was saying some very unflattering things about Sasha Grey. Apparently, Sasha has left porn, and severed ties with the community and is trying to do other things. And James is basically saying that everyone in porn despises her.
Now, you always have to consider the source with things like this. Maybe James Deen has been eating lime-green Jell-O because Sasha has made so much more money and is so much more famous than he is. And maybe he’s just expressing his own view and this opinion is not as widespread as he would represent it to be. But, with that said, I was not surprised by it.
If Sasha wants to do things other than porn, that’s great. As long as she’s not trying anything like, you know, evil, I hope she’s successful at it. I support people in making tough transitions in life and trying to broaden their horizons. But my intuitive reaction watching Sasha always was, “Man, that girl’s QUESTIONABLE.”
And this is not because of her job or the kind of porn she does. Everything I’ve said about Tori refutes that. I’m pretty sure Sasha’s never done anything in porn that Tori hasn’t done. In fact, this is the Jewish MAT Girls blog, and I’ve spent lots of time raving about Scarlett, and Natalie and Amanda and lots of these Jewish girls in Hollywood that I love. But there is a smoking hot Jewish MAT Girl in Hollywood that I have the same intuitive reaction to her that I have to Sasha, that I wouldn’t trust that girl to go to the store for milk.
I don’t want to prejudge Sasha Grey’s character too harshly. I’ve never met her that I know of. She could actually be the nicest girl in the world, and maybe James Deen is just a jerk. Indeed, Sasha did say one thing that planted a seed in my mind that didn’t finish germinating until I was working on this, and sorting through all my thoughts and feelings on interracial porn...
I don’t have the exact quote because I only read a reference to it in another article. But years ago, Sasha said something along the lines that the interracial porn she does is SUBVERSIVE. I remember reading that, and it was the only time that I found her interesting.
It was true. Porn girls like Tori, Brianna and Sasha and all the rest that did interracial porn were in fact anti-racist activists. Because I didn’t like watching those movies, I had never really thought to give them credit for that. In a society that is shocked by that imagery, the more shocking you make it, the more it shakes people up. Showing sophisticated Black men making romantic love to White girls actually isn’t going to move the needle. They already made Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner fifty years ago and it didn’t help, it hurt (that review is coming another day). But if you show a tiny White girl with a fourteen-inch Black cock shoved up her ass, people are going to stop and take notice and be forced to think about what they see. It wasn’t just a confrontation to racist White men. It was also a confrontation to lots of Black people, particularly Black women, whose attitudes about Black male-White female sex were just as toxically racist as David Duke’s.
So as a Black man who just wanted the freedom to date whoever I actually LIKED, to love whoever I liked, Black, White, Latina, Asian..., JEWISH..., these porn girls were the equivalent of the civil rights leaders who protested to make it so I could be allowed in the lobby of the Aria to see Scarlett Johansson.
Now, a lot of Black people will be ENRAGED by my equating pornstars to Martin Luther King, Jr., who himself liked to sleep around as quiet as that’s kept. They’ll say it isn’t nearly as important and they didn’t risk nearly as much. Well, being free to love who I want is more important to me than being able to eat at the lunch counter or drink after a White person at the water fountain. And if you think they aren’t risking as much, obviously you don’t know the kinds of things that happen in the lives of women, especially women who do sex work. When I walk around now, and I see that interracial relationships are more common, when I see Black male, White female couples with biracial children in commercials on TV, I know it is thanks at least in part to these girls challenging that taboo.
In the ugly racial history of America, a lot of White girls have been MURDERED for sleeping with Black men, as many Black men have been murdered for sleeping with White girls. Personally, I believe that is why Derek Chauvin murdered George Floyd, by the way. Working at the same nightclub, OBVIOUSLY he knew him at least by sight. The Klan used to intimidate, beat and murder White prostitutes who would cater to Black men. And the White Supremacist leaders these days explicitly encourage followers to avoid formally joining groups like the Klan and to try to get jobs in LAW ENFORCEMENT.
America these days is happy to talk about racism, but it is still afraid to own the reality of things as evil as murdering people for who they love, and the lingering effect that level of evil has on a society.
There is a book called The Turner Diaries. If you are not a toxic racist, you may not have heard of it, but it is like a Bible to MILLIONS of White men in the White Supremacist militia movements. If you polled the Trumpists that stormed the Capitol, I’m sure most of them have read it. The Turner Diaries is a terribly written (like dumb eighth grade student terrible) racist violence fantasy about a White Supremacist takeover of America. In one of the book’s climatic scenes, its racist heroes murder and hang from lampposts all the White women who slept with Black men, and this is depicted as a celebratory, heroic act. These clowns hate Tori Black and Sasha Grey just as much as they hated MLK and Malcolm X, if not more, and I bet they could show you thousands of vile Twitter and Instagram messages to prove it.
I want to be clear that in my experience, the overwhelming majority of White people are NOT racists. A lot of our institutions are racist, and a lot of decent White people just don’t believe it, not because they are racists but because it is invisible to them in their life experience. But there are about 100 million White men in America. If just ONE PERCENT of them are murderously toxic racists, that’s ONE MILLION people and that’s a serious problem. That’s like one hundred times more guys than were in Al-Qaeda at its peak.
But interestingly, like a lot of girls in porn, Sasha and Tori are both somewhat ethnically indistinct. Sasha looks maybe part Asian, and there are times I look sideways at Tori Black and think, “Wait a minute...could that be a light-skinned Black girl and her porn name is an ironic joke?”. The porn database says she’s part Native American, but I don’t regard any of the biographical information there to be reliable. There’s no way Charley Chase is from Kentucky LOL.
I know a lot of the girls in porn billed as “White” are Jewish, eapecially the ones that do a lot of interracial, because the interracial porn tends to feature “PAWGS”. If you’re not familiar with that porno acronym, it means “Phat-Ass White Girls”, White girls with big butts. There are a whole lot of Jewish girls that have big butts and look White to the mass audience. Hell, most Americans probably even think Winona Ryder is White! You would never know it if you missed the Saturday Night Live episode where she’s in the hot tub in a bikini, but Winona Ryder is a PAWG, or I guess that would be a PAJG...OMG she’s so smoking HOT!
But as I thought about wanting to replace Sasha Grey with Tori Black in Girl Train, I became more and more interested in Tori, until finally, she became the first porn star that I got curious enough about to go looking for biographical information on her, and what I found confirmed something that’s been proven to me hundreds of times, but I still have trouble trusting it.
Out of respect for porn stars’ apparent desire to remain anonymous, I don’t
go looking for information about them. I don’t know if it’s urban legend, but decades ago, I heard a story that someone had mailed a girl’s porn tapes to her father and the girl was so devastated that she committed suicide. After that, I never tried to find out who a porn star was. But I really wanted to know more about Tori...
To my surprise, I found she had a Wikipedia page. Wikipedia is so vanilla fake-objective censored that I expected they would have banned biographies of porn stars. I see Tori’s real name. Funny. And then I see she is from Seattle and has a journalism degree from the University of Washington...
It just so happens that Seattle is my favorite city. Well, maybe Vancouver, Canada. I haven’t spent enough time there. But I love Seattle. I love everything about it, and I love the people there. They are so nice.
So it turns out that this girl in porn I like is from a city I love and have a lot of interesting connections to it. My father had a first wife when he was young, decades before I was born, and she was from Seattle. And in an industry not known for its high level of education, Tori went to college. Though I suspect lots of the girls in porn these days are college girls. I read in an article years ago that there was a porn star who went to Yale, but it didn’t identify her. I’d like to know who that was!
But Tori wasn’t just my kind of girl. She was MY kind of girl! This had happened again and again in my life. I’d see someone in public life who I found to be fascinating, and when I went to read their bio, there would always be some connection to things I loved, or places I’d been. They were from a city I loved or had lived in. They were at Stanford at the same time as me. They were part of producing an old show I loved that I had no idea they were involved with. The evidence was clear: When I saw someone and was interested in them, there was real meaning behind it.
I wondered if it was that I had encountered these people somewhere in real life, and there was a certain sense of familiarity when I saw them again. Had I passed little girl Tori in Pikes Place market on a summer day in 1999? Did I pass her in the mall in 2002? Did I see her again in 2008 all grown up, maybe at a Nordstrom Rack store, or at another table at McCormick & Scmick’s downtown?
When I was bored, in my mind I would flip through images of my trips from Seattle, scrolling through thousands of faces looking for Tori. I did this for lots of people in public life that I felt I might have crossed paths with before.
In January of 2013, I had reached what, up until then was the lowest point of my life. In the preceding two years, I’d had a bitter, nasty breakup with my girlfriend. Two beautiful (bisexual) girls who I loved had moved away and were out of my life. A third girl who I might have loved was also gone after I made a foolish mistake and she dramatically overreacted to it. I’d seen this beautiful girl in Las Vegas and walked by her to meet another woman, only to find out that woman was only wasting my time, probably to try to make a mutual friend jealous.
I’d met a girl with whom I’d had a brief, very enjoyable fling, and I really liked her and wanted to try to make it last. But she stood me up on a day for which I had built up great expectations, and then after fucking me a few more times when she felt like it, unceremoniously declared she was bored with me and split.
June was still my Facebook friend, and even though she had done what I considered a cruel thing by sending me, without any warning saying what it was, her ultrasound picture, when her son was born, I sent her a long congratulatory message in hopes that she would offer me some kind of emotional closure, but she was her same recalcitrant self.
I felt betrayed and abandoned by every girl in my life. The only girls who were still there for me were the girls of porn. So I said to myself, “All these highly-educated, selfish, self-righteous ‘I’ve never done sex. I don’t even know how’ girls? Fuck them. I want to marry TORI BLACK!”.
I started following porn stars on Twitter and sending out some outrageously provocative tweets and Facebook posts. On February 1, 2013, I posted on my website a long, angry, sometimes brilliant and moderately insane tirade that I’d written while stoned. After a day and a half I thought better of it and took it down, along with all the content on my website, intending to regroup, build a better page, and press forward. I got arrested the next day and the rest is history.
In that wild document I posted, I had said that I wanted to rent a McLaren F1 and bring Tori Black and Brianna Love to my upcoming Stanford 15-year reunion. I would later chuckle to myself that powerful Stanford alums had got me locked up to prevent that spectacle from happening. “Hey Tiger, this is Tori. Maybe you already know her? Hey, Chris, my man, come over here. This is Brianna Love. Have you two already met?”.
In any event, after my release from prison five years later, I was forbidden by my parole conditions from watching porn. I observed this for a while until I became overwhelmed with how ridiculous it was. I had to attend these meetings at this so-called therapy center and it was frightening. These people are dangerous anti-sex fanatics masquerading as protectors of women and children. Their anti-porn fanaticism is like the kind of rabid extreme views you find in terrorist organizations.
I was listening to a Catholic “counselor” talking about the dangers of masturbation. I saw a chart that set forth how many orgasms a month a man is supposed to have by age. For men over 65, it said 1-3! According to this chart, if a man of any age has more than 3 orgasms per week, he’s a sexual deviant. I mean, I’d ask my Jewish friends’ permission to call this Nazi-ish, but to me it seems Nazi-ish.
Throughout my trial, and especially while I was being forced to participate in this program, I often thought that what I was feeling was akin to what Oskar Schindler would have felt, if they had gone through with still trying him for war crimes at Nuremberg like they were originally planning to do. I’d done all that I could to be a friend and ally to girls, and now I was being treated as one of their enemies in a complete reversal of morality and reality.
It was really psychological torture designed to punish and desexualize men who, admittedly some of whom had done some unspeakably horrible things. As I’m enduring this shit, trying to be the good soldier, I constantly found myself thinking about Tori, and wishing I could talk to her more than any other person about what I was going through. I wondered how she would feel about the fact that I and a lot of her other fans were being legally forbidden to watch her movies. There are almost a million registered sex offenders now. The government’s taking money out of Tori’s pocket!
I finally came to the point, after having a dozen different “counselors” in as many months, a few of them interns who knew far less about academic psychology than I did, and after a counselor there attempted what I considered to be an extortion scheme and then got me committed for the weekend to try to cover himself, and after losing my apartment and becoming homeless despite months of appealing to parole and these counselors for housing help, I decided I wasn’t going to take it anymore. I refused to comply any further and I turned myself in. It was time to stand up or die.
Before all of this, in June 2018 shortly after I had moved into my apartment, I conceived of the MAT Girl idea while noticing how smoking hot Winona Ryder looks in S1mone. A few weeks later, I saw Scarlett in Lucy and knew the girl I saw in Vegas was her.
When I started working on my book about Scarlett and the MAT Girls, I thought to myself, I’m thinking about Tori Black too much. If I do get to work in Hollywood, they aren’t gonna let me hang out with Tori and her friends. Plus, Scarlett, if she likes me, she may not like that I have such cozy feelings toward a porn star. So I put a moratorium on watching Tori’s porn.
Honestly, this didn’t really help much to get her off my mind. But I held the moratorium for over a year. When a finally did break it, well, it was sort of Charley Chase’s fault.
When I discovered Charley’s porn about a year ago, I was truly shocked and mystified that I’d never seen her before. I watched a lot of Latina porn, and I was constantly searching for a number of things that you would think would bring Charley right to the top. But somehow I’d missed her.
The thing that makes Charley the hottest pornstar to me is that she reminds me of a girl I knew that I wanted to sleep with SOOO bad (sleep with and stay with forever). And Charley not only looks like her, but has similar mannerisms, and fucks the same way I had imagined that this girl would. I don’t do this in such a direct literal way with any other porn star, but when I watch Charley, I imagine she’s that girl, and it’s hotter than anything.
So having noticed that just as certain guys in porn worked with a lot of girls I liked, the girls I liked worked a lot with each other. So having been so long disappointed that Tori Black and Brianna Love apparently never did any scenes together, I wondered: Did Tori and Charley ever...?
So I search, and this is the rare case that I’m actually looking for a scene with a dude in it. Why? Out of all the girls in porn, Tori and Charley both seemed to be pretty straight. I’d watched them each do lesbian scenes with other girls, and they didn’t really seem into it. But they both sure seemed to like boys a lot, so I figured the two of them with a guy should be explosively hot.
So I find a threesome scene with Tori and Charley from Naughty America, a studio that never does anything I like, and it’s totally boring. They don’t seem into it. It is set in a classroom, which I’ve never liked (random thought I never considered: what schools are they doing this classroom porn at?). I watch maybe thirty seconds, scroll through to make sure nothing more interesting happens, and then I turn it off, disappointed.
Then I see a lesbian threesome scene with Tori, Charley and Alexis Texas, whose silly porn name annoys me, but who I’ve always sort of liked although I haven’t watched much of her stuff because she mostly does the style of porn that I don’t like. I’m not extremely optimistic about this, given the aforementioned observation that Tori and Charley were not especially inclined to girl-girl sex. Boy, was I wrong!
I start playing it, and it starts out with a clip of Tori talking. She’s not dirty talking. She’s interview-talking. What I notice is that she looks totally different. Her hair and makeup are changed such that I didn’t even recognize her at first. She says that this is how she looks in her daily life and she’s talking about what it is like when she gets recognized in public. She even talks different. I still like her, but it makes me realize...she really is an actress and Tori Black really is a CHARACTER. Is Tori like an alter-ego character that is part of who she really is, or is she totally made up? I’m going to come back to that. It’s important.
But then the scene cuts to a yacht sailing in a large body of water somewhere with a city in the distance. Tori, Charley and Alexis Texas are on the deck in bikinis dancing and making out.
As this goes on, you’ll wonder, how come I say Alexis Texas’ whole name every time? It’s because my niece’s name is Alexis, and being that it is not the most common of names, my niece is the first person I associate that name with, which is obviously uncomfortable in this context. My niece is a grown-up now, and I’m sure nothing in here is foreign to her, but she is also someone that some of you in the entertainment world might know because she went to school with a lot of your kids. So, for the sake of good order, my emotional comfort, and the avoidance of any possible embarrassing confusion, I refer to Alexis Texas by full annoying name in every instance.
Anyway, one of the first things I notice about this video is the music. Another of the many things I hate about porn is the annoying terrible music. Why!?!? Fortunately, you hear less and less of that these days, and some videos have classical-type music that can be okay. What I really don’t get is the videos playing rap. The last thing I want to hear when I’m laying in bed with my dick in my hand is some dude in my ear talking about what a thug he is and how many Bugattis he has. WTF?!?
But this video actually has some music playing that is really good. And the ocean, and these three girls... I turn it off. I want to save it for a special occasion like maybe when I have a big-screen TV again to watch it on.
I didn’t want to break my Tori Black moratorium anyway. But then I see Charley’s aforementioned mind-blowing ManoJob scene. And then I’m watching a collection of clips of girls with beautiful eyes staring into the camera. It’s in crystal-clear HD. A clip comes up of Tori up close, her beautiful brown eyes staring into the camera with such erotic intensity that it is momentarily shocking. It’s totally irrelevant that she happens to be licking a penis (very artfully, I might add). It’s not that blowjob that I want so bad. It’s that LOOK. OMG.
The clip is only two seconds long, and I don’t know what movie it is from. But the image is burned in my head like if you leave your plasma screen frozen for too long. It’s just unbelievably intense. I can’t help it. I gotta go watch Tori.
At that moment, I don’t have the patience for the endeavor of trying to find the full scene that clip came from. So I cue up my favorite of her solo talkies, and once again, I learn something about myself. To explain, I’ve got to go on a brief tangent...
One of the stupidest things in our society is the stigmatization of masturbation. All that stupid Catholic bullshit that you’re going to go blind or grow hair on your palms. Discouraging people from masturbating, or making them feel guilty about it when they do is really really unhealthy. As a result, most men don’t really know how to do it.
Having grown up in a religious household, it took me a while in life to get over feeling guilt about masturbation. But I finally got totally past that, and once I did, I started to learn things about my body and what could be done with it. For example, I’ve learned to be multi-orgasmic. That was easy. But I also learned, I think, how to have the FEMALE orgasm.
It was a very-probably-Jewish girl who “taught” me this. One day about two years ago, I was walking down the boardwalk by the beach. There is a guy down there who is part of the regular cast of boardwalk characters who sits in a chair and plays electric guitar. He’s really good.
I’m walking toward him from one direction, and coming toward him from the other direction is a girl on rollerblades. She’s smoking hot. She has that beautiful thick, curly, frizzy black hair that Jewish girls so often have, and that unique beautiful color of green-blue-brown eyes that it seems mostly only Jewish girls have. That day, I was wearing either a Stanford t-shirt or my Albert Einstein t-shirt, either of which might be likely to catch a Jewish girl’s attention.
She passes the guitar player before I get to him and now she’s headed toward me and...girls are so smart. She does this incredibly sexy pirouette stop so that her back is turned to me. But she doesn’t stop right in front of me, which would make me likely to walk around her and keep going. She stops in a place such that when I take a few more steps, I’ll be right next to her. I stop standing beside her.
She looks at the guitar player and then she looks at me, with a big surprised smile, she says “Pretty good”. I agree and say “Pretty good.”. Something about the way she says this and her general persona makes me suspect she is a musician, and I want to ask her, and it appears that she and I both know enough to know that this guy is a professional quality guitar player.
We stand there looking at each other, and she’s smiling at me with such an intimate warmth that I want to hug her and never let her go. It isn’t just her smile, she has the perfect body type that I love—somewhat athletic but a slight bit chubby-ish so that she’s awesomely cuddly-looking. There is something about her that promises so much intimacy that you wouldn’t be able to stand it!
I stand there silently wanting to say something, and it’s obvious she wants me to say something. But you girls, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU! Everything I’ve tried it never works. So I have these kind of “stand-offs” with girls all the time, hoping each one will be the one to actually break the ice. But they never do, and as I always do these days, I eventually walk away.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about this girl the rest of the day. I’m laying in bed that night still thinking about her. This photographic memory thing, it has upsides and downsides. As I’m laying there, an image pops into my head and I can’t make it go away, an image of something girls do that I’ve never understood.
So I’ll very often see girls in workout clothes with no underwear and you can see...I’ve never liked the term cameltoe...you can see their PUSSY! Now the way girls act, it is mysterious to me that a girl would walk around like that, and it’s usually not girls who have dispositions that you would think of as “slutty” or whatever.
I’ve actually had three girls show up to meet me places dressed like this, in black spandex (all three times black) with their CLIT poking out. Now, I’ve wondered, is this like a signal that every guy but me knows means a girl wants to have sex? But you know me, the Ugly Girl Feminists had me so well brainwashed that I didn’t believe I was supposed to assume this meant anything. Hell, even if a girl said, “I want to fuck!”, I wasn’t supposed to assume that she meant she wanted to fuck me.
So this very-probably-Jewish girl on the rollerblades had been dressed like this. I had noticed it only because I had noticed that the spandex shorts she was wearing were a unique and beautiful color that really complimented her appearance. Blueberries. They were the color of blueberries, the outside skin of blueberries, and they had a pattern of light-colored zigzag lines. With her black hair and fair skin and the color of her eyes, this color looked fabulous on her.
I’m well-trained that I don’t check out girl’s bodies while I’m talking to them. I look them in the eye, and this girl’s eyes...OMG. But at some point, I glance down at the color of her shorts and it only takes an instant—that image of her pussy is recorded forever.
So this image comes to mind as I’m laying in bed thinking about her, and for me its like I’m standing there still looking at it. I have the power to turn a glance into a stare any time I want. She was so hot and my temptation is to masturbate thinking about that, but I feel wrong about it, like I would feel wrong about looking up a girl’s skirt.
Plus, my intuitive assessment of her is that she wouldn’t want me to do that. So with great effort, I push that image aside and try to delete it (which I can’t do). But instead, I think about her smile and her eyes and her hair and her delightfully soft-looking body, and I imagine what it would be like to have that hug that I’d thought about, to have her overwhelm me with the sensation of intimacy that her aura promised.
As I’m imagining this, a strange sort of feeling came over me. Girls always described their orgasms as being like waves. Waves. It was an undeniably ecstatic feeling, but I wasn’t masturbating, didn’t have an erection. I wasn’t ejaculating but it felt like I SHOULD be. It went on for, I don’t know, maybe five minutes.
I was always mystified by what the difference between the male and female orgasms was, and afterward I thought, “That had to be it, the female orgasm”. And if it was, the difference was obvious. The male orgasm was precipitated by THOUGHTS of PHYSICAL stimulation. The female orgasm was precipitated by FEELINGS of INTIMACY.
I tried with no success to achieve this again. I was finally able to do it once more, although not nearly as powerfully as the first time. But as I was watching my favorite of Tori Black’s solo talkies for the first time in a year, I realized what was special about Tori...
As I was watching, I started to feel what I had felt when that female orgasm was approaching, and I realized, this was why I didn’t masturbate much while watching her. This is why I didn’t especially like watching her perform with men. My attraction to Tori Black, odd as it sounds, was much more a lesbian attraction than a straight male attraction.
Top of the list of my Tori Black fantasies: It’s not her giving me a blowjob. It’s not fucking her ass. It’s not having a wild threesome with her and another girl. My top Tori Black fantasy by far is licking her pussy. Tori has maybe the most beautiful one I’ve ever seen (that is a close competition at the top and Charley Chase and Cameron Canada are also in it). Tori obviously knows this about herself because she talks about it all the time, inviting the viewer to touch, taste and smell it.
I don’t want you to think I wouldn’t go through the entire Kama Sutra with Tori Black, but the things I think about most are things that ANOTHER GIRL might do to her moreso than things that involve my penis. In my favorite of her videos, she makes me think very favorably about the idea of actually penetrating her, but that is mainly because of the incredibly intimate way in which she described it. She begins by asking, “Do you know what would happen if *I* came on your cock?”. That she starts out with the idea that she would enjoy it is what makes it hot. And what she says after that...OMG. I would have believed she was making that up until I met a girl who actually did it to me.
So I watch this video, and another of hers I like almost as much, and now I can’t wait. I have to go watch that scene of Tori, Charley and Alexis Texas...
As I became more acquainted with porn, and the idea that so much of it was so bad and that so many great scenes were spoiled by one of the nagging little annoying things in porn, I had this dream, this quest, to find the perfect porno. Oh, I saw lots and lots of great scenes, don’t get me wrong. But there was always some little thing.
The bulk of the scenes that were closest to perfect were lesbian scenes: Autumn Moon and Brianna Love in Lesbian Seductions, that scene where they tell each other “I love you” at the end. Ashley Adams and Cassidy Klein in “Ex Sex”...wow, two hot very-probably-Jewish girls doing it is very hard to beat for me. This one is so almost there, marred only by a couple of moments of them pretending to be their Hollywood cousins and trying too hard at real acting. And of course the Brianna Love, Belladonna and Sasha Grey scene, marred only by the fact that it needs Tori Black instead of Sasha Grey. There are others, but I’d never really found it, that perfect one. I have now.
I start watching the Tori, Charley, Alexis Texas scene. Strangely, this version is missing the Tori interview at the beginning so I wonder if that wasn’t really a part of the movie and someone edited it in.
After some dancing and making out on the deck, they go below to get down to business. It’s so hot that my immediate reaction is a strong urge to turn it off. Why?
I’m trying to remain optimistic, to keep hope alive. But from where I sit right now, things look bleak. I’m off the street for the moment, but I’m still homeless, with legal issues I can’t figure out how to resolve hanging over my head. It hasn’t just been eight years since I’ve had sex. It’s been eight years since I’ve had any substantial intimacy. I was just living on the street and went to the hospital and almost died. I fear I might actually never have sex again.
So if you were dying of starvation, and you knew you were going to die, would you want to stand outside the window of a luxurious restaurant and watch people eating the most delicious-looking meal you could imagine?
I felt like I was watching something I’d wanted, but was never going to get. That’s why I wanted to turn it off. But I told myself, no, you need to sit through this. So I did.
After about five minutes, the urge to turn it off subsided and I was immersed in it. It had a certain artistic quality to it in that the room on the boat was almost entirely a shade of beige that almost exactly matched the girls’ skin tones, and it appeared to be shot with a filter that enhanced this and imparted a dreamy golden glow to the entire scene. It actually had a quality like some of my favorite Hollywood movies where it seemed to take you away on a long trip to a distant world and you became lost in time.
I remember at one point thinking, “Wait, how long had this been going on?”. Not because I was bored, but because I was shocked. It suddenly felt like it had been two or three hours. It had been thirty minutes.
It’s a long porn scene, running about 45 minutes. When it was over, I felt that same kind of pleasant afterglow like that which followed my favorite movies. But for the duration of this film, I didn’t have an erection. I wasn’t masturbating. I wasn’t even really thinking sexual thoughts. I was just watching it and enjoying how beautiful it was. It was like one long female orgasm.
What was unique about this scene was that unlike almost all porn, it didn’t feel scripted or staged. Most porn, you can tell there is a plan. First you do this, then you move on to that, and then you finish like this...No. This felt like real sex, like three people with an irresistible passionate attraction to one another doing whatever came to mind.
It was especially shocking to see the intense sexual chemistry between Tori and Charley given how boring their threesome scene with the guy was and the degree to which neither of them had previously seemed to me to be really into girls. Tori and Charley were going at each other the way I wanted to go at each of them. And that observation was what brought me around to a complete understanding of who I was sexually. I’m a lesbian with a penis. Or like two-thirds lesbian.
The sex between Tori and Charley in that scene was the sex I wanted. Alexis Texas was necessary only because she allowed them to do certain things that would be physically impossible for just the two of them, e.g. holding a girl’s legs back while she gets licked. Don’t get me wrong, she’s good here and she makes the scene hotter, but it’s Tori and Charley that blow me away. At the end, they collapse in what seems to be genuine passionate exhaustion. By then, I so desperately want to dissolve into that scene, put down the camera and...[narrative deleted as it is too graphic and too hot for the public to handle. If these girls ever want to see it, I’ll show it to them].
I’ve finally found it. This is the perfect porno.
But wait, was it? It was, but there was a riddle in it. On the one hand, I first think to myself, what I really want is for Charley to be able to see me sexually like she sees Tori, or for Tori to be able to see me sexually like she does Charley. Then I think I want to replace Alexis Texas in the scene with ME. But then I think, no, those three girls are perfect together. So then I wonder, who’s holding that camera?
And that’s one of the great things about this scene. They are performing like there is no camera, but someone else was there. I could go look it up, but it’s better if I contemplate this without knowing, and anyway with porn, you never know who it was despite what the credits might say.
My first thought is that it is the guy who owns this boat; a pro athlete, a rock star, some billionaire hedge fund asshole. Maybe it’s Lexington Steele. It would be LOL. I think it’s someone like that and this is the kind of thing those kinds of guys are doing all the time. And either before the camera came on, or after the camera goes off, that guy holding it is going to fuck all three of those girls six ways from Sunday, and forget all about them by Monday morning because he does that with three different hot girls every weekend, so they aren’t special to him like they are to me.
But then I think, what if it’s another girl holding the camera? And it makes me wonder, does the unique sexual energy in this scene only exist because no men are present? If I was there, would it change the dynamic? Did just the presence of male sexual energy make this particular kind of lesbian passion impossible?
I didn’t know the answer to that, but I knew that if it WAS possible, this was what I wanted. But I want to be clear that when I’m talking about this being what I want, I don’t necessarily mean the multiple partner aspect. The “what I want” here would still be defined by sex with me and one girl if it was sex that had the particular kind of passionate energy that exists between Tori and Charley in this scene.
But I realized that my sexuality basically had three parts, and that I could define and embody it by three girls in porn: Tori Black, Katie St. Ives, and Charley Chase.
One of the foundational ideas about sex that was always a problem for me is our society’s broad assumption that men want it more than women and thus, sex is something women do for men. This attitude permeates almost all of our sexuality, and the clearest evidence of it is the fact that there are a lot of women who get paid to have sex with men, but very few men who get paid to have sex with women. This attitude that sex was always the girl doing the guy a favor was something that I did not want in my relationship life. I wanted a girl with whom sex was an EQUAL endeavor, something I was doing for her as much as she was doing it for me.
What was special about Tori’s porn was that she projected this sexual equality. She talked as much about you making her cum as her making you cum. She talked as much about you licking her pussy as her sucking your dick. Tori’s sexual demeanor was FRIENDLY, and friendships, good ones, are equal relationships. That’s what I mean when I talk about wanting my wife to be my BFF. Tori talks to you like a sexy friend.
There is a kind of self-esteem in Tori’s porn that is absent in that of other girls. She acts like a woman who knows she is desirable more than just sexually. You can tell Tori has a kind of pride and self-respect that the other girls can’t genuinely maintain while being so demeaned or over-sexualized by society.
But unlike the “femdom” pornstars, she also talks to you like you’re desirable, too. She doesn’t talk down to you or try to dominate you, but she also doesn’t demean herself.
Tori reflects for me what is special and beautiful about lesbian sex: the equality. Sure, some lesbian relationships have a sub-dom dynamic in them, but it isn’t really the same as male-female relationships, because in general, there is a bond of trust between women that rarely exists between a man and woman.
In that scene, there is a point where Tori is slapping Charley’s face. Now, in guy-girl porn, girls getting slapped is never hot to me, and I’d never want to slap a girl’s face even playfully. But here, it is hot. Why? Because Tori is a girl, so I know that it’s playful, that she has no intention of actually hurting or demeaning Charley, and Charley knows this too, because Tori is another girl. But if a guy slaps a girl, no matter how playfully, unless there is a deep bond of trust between them, she is right to wonder, “How far is this going to go?”.
So women rightly feel safer in lesbian sex, which means they feel more comfortable, which means it’s more intimate. Which means it’s better. Girls are having more threesomes with guys these days. It had never occurred to me before, but girls are doing this because its SAFER hooking up with a guy if they have a friend with them. Girls can feel safe with one another.
But Tori gave me hope that this attitude of sexual equality was possible between a man and a woman, because when I listened to her talking, the things she said conveyed that emotion. So Tori Black represented to me the part of my sexuality that longed for the trusting equality of lesbian sex.
Then there is Katie St. Ives. I just saw a scene with her that encapsulates her porn greatness. I think the guy in this scene is porn veteran Manuel Ferrera, and that’s notable because he does a great job. It’s a blowjob scene, and at the end of this scene, Katie gestures to him to ask him if he wants her to swallow. He says to her something I’ve NEVER heard a guy say in a porno. He says, “You can do what you want with it. It’s yours now. I gave it to you.”. It’s the kind of thing that a man should say to a girl in that situation, a far cry from these dudes giving reluctant girls military style orders to swallow their cum.
Then Katie does the most remarkable beautiful thing that I’ve never seen a girl do. He’s laying down and his still-erect penis is sticking up in the air. She wraps her arms around it the way you would cuddle a baby, hugging it to her face. It’s the sweetest, most romantic thing to see in a porno, the kind of thing a girl would do if she really loved you. She looks up at him and says dreamily, “I wish there was a Manuel on every block”, and he responds, “I wish there was a Katie on every block”. Still cuddling his penis like the most beloved cherished thing, she asks him, “Do you just want to lay here for a second?”. Who could say no to that?
This scene is remarkable for its romantic intimacy, and for once, the guy in the scene says the kinds of things to the girl that I would say to her, so I actually don’t mind hearing him. I don’t know if maybe Manuel and Katie were a real-life couple at that time, but it certainly feels that way. I defy anyone who says that porn is all misogyny, and violence and smut to watch that, and then come back and try to defend that position. But they’ll never watch. These anti-porn fanatics are just like the Catholic bishops who refused to look through Galileo’s telescope so he could prove to them that the Earth is round.
This scene stands out, but it is indicative of Katie’s porn generally. She touches and talks to her lovers, guys and girls alike, with such a sweet, loving romantic affection that you can almost feel it through the screen. There is so much love in her touch, it’s beautiful.
And this quality was clearly evident when I saw almost-certainly-Katie in the park. I didn’t think about sex when I saw her, but I did think, that girl looks so kind. It reminds me that there is a kind of innocence that is attractive in a woman. Not “I’ve never done sex. I don’t even know how.”. Katie HAS done sex, and she DOES know how. It is the innocence of someone who looks at people, and despite all our flaws still loves us, someone who derives joy from giving pleasure and is happy to be alive. Katie isn’t just trying to make her lovers feel good She is trying to make THE WORLD feel good. And she does.
I strongly suspect from her hair, and her eyes, and frequent appearances with other girls who more certainly are, that Katie is Jewish. Which goes to show that Jewish girls are almost always great at their job. And like Cameron Canada, she is remarkably physically perfect from head to toe. All things considered, I think she is the best at porn.
So Katie St. Ives represents the second lesbian part of me, where I’m like a somewhat dominant lesbian girl, and Katie is sweetly submissive in a non-toxic kind of way. My urge would be to act with Katie like Autumn Moon does with Brianna Love in that Lesbian Seductions scene. In fact, in the past, Brianna would have been the girl that I singled out here, as her porn style is very similar to Katie’s, or it was earlier in her career before she got sucked into the ultra-hardcore porn area. Since I am a man, of course there would be some mechanical differences from lesbian sex, but the mood of it, the energy of it, would be feminine.
How much of a lesbian am I? I’ve actually had the fantasy of having girls line up around my house so that I could perform oral sex on them and they don’t need to do anything to me. Normally, I like to get to know a girl a little before I feel comfortable having sex with her, but this one act is an exception.
In this fantasy, all kinds of girls are welcome. I’m equal opportunity. Short girls, tall girls, fat girls, skinny girls, Black girls, White girls, Eskimo girls, young girls, old girls, smoking hot girls, not-so-smoking hot girls. Come one, come all (LOL). As long as you’ve had a shower pretty recently and your feminine hygiene is in order. Just no mean girls. Oh, the Mean Girls can get in line if they want to (and they can cut to the front!), but not actual mean girls. And maybe wear some nice perfume. I’m partial to Oscar de la Renta Volupte. It’s cheap, even you working-class girls can afford it. And Chanel Chance. You rich entertainment girls probably have some nice stuff I’ve never smelled that they don’t carry at Sephora, but I like those.
This is a WAY more erotic fantasy to me than having girls line up around my house to give me blowjobs, which is self-limiting and would get boring very quick. There are only so many different ways you can do it. And actually, that wouldn’t be any fun at all if the girls were all strangers. But with the infinite variety of shapes, sizes, colors, tastes and textures of vaginas, and the joy of actually making a woman have a real orgasm, it would NEVER get boring.
This is a reflection of how I am generally, not just with sexuality. I enjoy giving more than receiving. It’s not really selfless. The look on someone’s face when you’ve made their day? That’s me getting something. And I would bet Katie St. Ives is just the same.
But there is a third side of me. I am not a total girlie-man, and I do have some of the types of sexual desires strongly associated with masculinity. I don’t want that misunderstood, so to make this point, I have to be graphic and explicit and personal in a way that requires forewarning even in this context of the sort of stuff I’ve already said here. So if you can’t handle that, you may want to just skip over the next paragraph. The point won’t be as clear, but you’ll survive...
Look, I don’t want anyone to think that when Tricia Oaks shakes her beautiful naked butt in the camera and tells you to imagine how good her ass would feel wrapped around your cock, and invites the viewer to come fuck her asshole and cum inside it, that I don’t think about how awesome I imagine it would be to do just that. I have explosive orgasms watching that and I get hard just thinking about that video. I don’t want anyone to think that when I watch Charley Chase sucking cock that I don’t think about how much I’d love to feel that girl’s lips and tongue on me, and toss her down and fuck her pussy and then her ass, and then her mouth again, and then her pussy again, and then cum in her mouth and watch her swallow it. I don’t want anybody to think that when I see this scene with two beautiful girls whose names I don’t know, and this guy cums inside one girl’s pussy, and the other girl pulls his penis out of her pussy while he’s still cumming, sucks it, licks the rest of his cum out of the girl’s pussy, and then goes and kisses the girl with a mouthful of cum and they both swallow it, don’t think that when I see that I don’t think that it’s ridiculously hot and wonder what qualities that guy has that I don’t that makes girls want to do stuff like that with him, and think, “Just once in my life...”
So all those kinds of intensely male-oriented sexual desires are very much in me. It’s just that they are minor players. Don’t think that if I couldn’t find love and I didn’t have anything else better to do, that I wouldn’t like to fuck my way through my favorite girls in porn a carefully-chosen pair every month for the next couple of years doing things exactly like all the above and more. But this sort of stuff for me, it’s like going to Machu Picchu: it looks really awesome and I’d like to go, and I’m sure it would be fantastic and memorable if I did, but if I never get around to it, it’s no big deal. It’s also like going to Machu Picchu in that I don’t want to live there, or go there every weekend. To me, porn sex, the intense multiple-partner do-anything kind, is highlight reel sex, something to do once in a while, not all the time.
But that male side of me was represented by Charley Chase. What was special about Charley was that she was the lone example that I had actually seen of a woman who not only defied this stereotype of men always wanting sex more. She REVERSED it. She went beyond Tori’s sexual equality; she wanted it MORE than you.
So Charley made me uniquely comfortable in the idea of indulging in the kinds of “filthy” sexual fantasies I detailed above, because I had no doubt that she liked it. Charley’s sexuality seemed to be the reversed mirror image of mine. She didn’t suck cock like she was doing the guy a favor. She sucked like she was doing it for herself, and it was the joy of a lifetime. It seemed that Charlie enjoyed giving blowjobs with the same gleeful enthusiasm that I enjoy licking pussies.
When Charley was getting fucked, her moans and screams of ecstasy, and pleas like “fuck me until you cum” seemed totally genuine because the emotion I felt in them seemed to be the same kind of emotion I felt when my penis was inside a girl. Oftentimes, women made men doubt and question if they actually enjoyed sex. But with Charley, in my mind there was no question she enjoyed it at least as much as a man, if not more. Probably more. If this is not true, forget Meryl Streep; Charley Chase is the greatest actress of all time.
But I can tell Charley’s not that good an actress. She just loves to fuck. So the man in me is fundamentally kind of a submissive man, so the only way I can feel safe letting that man roam free is if I’m with a girl who is somewhat dominant. Charley is dominant in a unique sort of way. She’s dominant because you can’t outdo her in how bad she wants it. So the dirtiest thing you can think of, at least within the boundaries I have, Charley’s not just going to take it, she’s going to LOVE it. And that’s the only context in which I feel comfortable being that kind of man.
But still that man is a background player. Even as porn fantasies go, what’s much more exciting to me than getting Tori Black to act like Tricia Oaks for me is getting her to lay down and let me lick her pussy and make her cum. And while a Charley Chase blowjob looks like an awesome thing, before I let her do that, I’d want to spend like, I don’t know, an hour or two going down on her with the same enthusiasm that she does it to guys. And if I really did hook up with Tricia, before I let her play the dirty slut she’s so good at playing, I’d treat her gently and lovingly and let her know that’s not all I see.
But I really don’t want to do all that. Given the choice between all the sexual fantasies above, and just getting to hold Scarlett’s hand, I’d rather hold Scarlett’s hand. I mean, not just hold her hand for a minute, but like on a long walk through Central Park, and going through the galleries at the MET (Maybe Scarlett can get it “closed for cleaning” so it’s just us). No girl in porn can compete with that, unless Tori Black is secretly the world’s top physicist, or Charley Chase secretly made all Andrew Niccol’s movies. Or Katie St. Ives is really the brains behind Tesla. Just holding hands with Scarlett beats any porn fantasy. But don’t get me wrong, Scarlett. I’d like to do a lot more than hold your hand if you’d want me to...
Speaking of Scarlett, I recently watched Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s excellent film Don Jon, which is actually about pornography addiction. Scarlett’s got a couple of pornographic lines in that movie that I can’t stop hearing in my head...OMG. I mention this movie because the concern I have in writing this, and my prior pieces, is that I will give girls the impression that I’m some kind of porn addict, or sex addict, or that I have elevated pornstars to the position of the most respected girls in my world. So, I want to take a moment to defend myself.
The lead character in Don Jon that Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays brilliantly is incomprehensible to me. I don’t know what sources Joseph was drawing from in writing this film, but I just can’t imagine a good looking guy who gets girls easily still watching porn, let alone watching it a lot. The problems he reports with real-life sex are generally problems I’ve never had. The worst sex I’ve had was still a hundred times better to me than the perfect and almost perfect porn I described above. Watching porn when you have a smoking hot girlfriend is incomprehensible to me. Maybe once in a while...maybe? But all the time, when you know she doesn’t want you to? That’s CRAZY!
Porn is just a minor hobby to me. It looms large in terms of my sex life because I’ve never been able to successfully form a relationship with a girl I really liked, and I have ethical and safety concerns with casual hook-up sex. It looms large in this essay series because the essays are about porn. But I have and will write much longer works about many other things.
In my life, I’ve spent way more time watching Hollywood movies than watching porn. I’ve spent way more time reading car magazines than watching porn. I’ve spent way more time playing basketball than watching porn. I’ve probably spent way more time shopping for shoes than watching porn. I’ve spent way more time reading patents and scientific journal articles than watching porn...
I’ve spent way more time in church than watching porn. I’ve spent way more time driving for recreation than watching porn. I’ve spent more time listening to Art Bell talk about aliens on Coast-to-Coast AM than I’ve spent watching porn! So there that is.
As for the porn stars, my point here is not to elevate them to the status of goddesses. My point is that I support and respect women, and I’m a hypocrite if I don’t support and respect them. I realize that some of these girls probably have issues. But people have issues everywhere. I’m saying that their job is just as valid as any other job, and as much as almost all us guys consume their work, it is shameful that we won’t mention their names in the light of day, and that they can’t walk freely through society and say what they do and be respected just like a girl who is a lawyer or a nurse or a waitress or a Hollywood star, or anything else.
These girls play a special role in my life to some degree because of the way other girls have acted toward me about sex. But the “I’ve never done sex. I don’t even know how.” thing wasn’t something girls were doing to hurt me. It was something they felt they had to do to protect themselves from the brutal patriarchy. I still loved them anyway, and in the time that remains, I’m going to talk about a couple of things that illustrate that I haven’t made pornstars my heroes.
I wake up the next morning after watching the scene with Tori, Charley and Alexis Texas, still thinking about it. I turn on the TV to CNN...
Another reason to despise Derek Chauvin (besides that he is a murderous psychopath) is that his trial has been keeping me from seeing Kate Bolduan. I’d be checking the unsolved murders around Minnesota to find out where Derek Chauvin was. The look in his eyes in that video? I think that guy has killed before.
But anyway, this day there is a break in the trial, so Kate is back on. She looks so beautiful after not seeing her for over a week. But look who’s on with her! Laura Coates! Laura is not usually on this early in the morning, so I’ve never seen the two of them together. OMG, they are so smoking hot!
If these two had a show like say Chalene Johnson’s hot PiYo informercial, man I’d watch that show all day. But they are talking about a snuff film of the vicious murder of a man the same age as me, from the same city where I was born, whose last name even rhymes with mine. I can’t watch too much of this. It’s depressing. So I turn it off.
But then I think, if you took Kate Bolduan, Laura Coates and let’s say their snappily dressed and really cute CNN colleague Kaitlan Collins, that is a far more interesting “boat trip” to me than Tori, Charley and Alexis Texas. That might surprise a lot of people, but it’s true.
I could talk to Laura Coates about what it’s like at Princeton as compared to Stanford. And she’s a lawyer and I worked mostly for female lawyers for over a decade, so I’m sure there are a lot of things we could discuss related to the law, including my experience in the criminal justice system.
Kaitlan and I could flip through the latest issue of Vogue and talk about what would look great on her, and being the White House correspondent, she could try to badger out of me gossipy stories about Kamala Harris (No matter what you do to me, Kaitlan, I’ll never talk!).
And I recently heard Kate Bolduan say she is from a family of doctors, so we’d have a lot to talk about since I worked in medical research for fifteen years. I would debate with her to get her to admit that she should know the pandemic response is overblown. Plus, if she is going through a divorce like the absence of her ring and the sadness in her eyes would seem to suggest, we’ll have a big girl-cuddle with her and tell her everything’s gonna be okay.
And I can have a three-on-one debate with all of them about how the well-intentioned propaganda they disseminate on CNN empowers and enables the sinister propaganda they disseminate on Fox. And if the argument gets too intense, I’ll have to find some way to calm them down...or excite them more, depending on how you look at it. So I would...[narrative too graphic and hot for the public to handle deleted. If those girls ever want to see it, I’ll show it to them].
Oh wait, I forgot the reason Kaitlan definitely wouldn’t be interested in this boat trip LOL. She’s not a fan of lesbians. Though who knows, maybe like a lot of guys who are in the closet, she was trying to cover up by acting homophobic in college. In Alabama, it would make some amount of sense to do that. Plus, we’ve all said off-color stuff online, yours just hasn’t been unearthed yet. When my old emails and Facebook posts come out, it’s gonna break the internet. I don’t think I’ve ever said anything homophobic. I’ve just never had a problem with gay people and never been afraid to object to homophobia. But I said some STUFF.
Anyway, just Laura and Kate would be awesome enough if Kaitlan is inflexibly straight. Or we could sub in voluptuously smoking hot Sara Sidner. Actually, that might be hotter than Kaitlan.
But the third girl really doesn’t matter. Laura and Kate can pick the non-homophobic colleague of their choice. Female colleague—I don’t want them to bring Jake Tapper LOL. The Don Lemon joke writes itself there, but Don actually seems really cool. If I was gay, I’d go out with him. But no, if Laura and Kate brought him, I wouldn’t. But I’m not gonna lie, if I decided to start doing men, Don would be pretty high on my list.
But I know what I’d hear from these girls if I proposed something like that boat trip video...”I’ve never done sex. I don’t even know how...I’m married, how dare you! That’s disgusting! I’d never! And even if I DID ever do something like that, I wouldn’t do it with YOU...You’re a misogynist PIG just like Donald Trump, except you’re broke!...If that’s the kind of thing you’re interested in, why don’t you go talk to those WHORES you were watching in that video? blah blah blah blah blah”...
That’s what I would expect. That’s the public attitude that most of the smart, educated, professional women I know have taken with me about sexuality. But I’m pretty sure girls experiment with lesbian sex at Princeton, and George Washington and the University of Alabama just like they do everywhere else. And outside of the multiple-guy stuff, there’s probably nothing in porn—surely nothing I like—that any of these girls haven’t done.
But then I think, Laura Coates is Black and married so the odds are 99-out-of-100 she goes to church every Sunday and if shown that video would say, “Eww, that’s gross! Turn it off!”. So that just leaves me and Kate Bolduan on a boat alone...which would be just fine with me.
But the boat trip would be a fun escapade with all three of them even if there was not a hint of Tori Black or Charley Chase-type activity and they played the “I’ve never done sex, I don’t even know how” role the whole time. Taking a cruise and talking to them would still be way more fun for me than most things. But given the choice between the Tori-Charley-Alexis Texas boat trip and the CNN boat trip with nothing but talking, I’m going with Tori and Charley. I know I can find stuff to talk to those girls about when my mouth is not otherwise engaged. But if it’s the kinky boat trip either way? I’m going with the CNN girls. It’s not even close!
I would want to think two girls like Laura Coates and Kate Bolduan would get a kick out of the fact that a “boat trip” with them was more exciting to me than a boat trip with ANY two pornstars, but they probably wouldn’t care. They’ve never done sex. They don’t even know how.
But you know, life is full of surprises. Who knows, maybe if this blog went viral, and someone told them about this, one of them would PM me on Instagram and say, “I have conferred with my colleagues and we have rented a boat.”. I won’t hold my breath.
On the whole, maybe I’m just stuck in old-fashioned thinking. Maybe girls aren’t as uptight as I think they are...
THE GIRL CHORUS
Yes! Finally he gets it!
I’d always had the feeling that every girl I know, the prettiest ones especially, had at some point in their life, maybe for an entire period of their life, been like Tori or Charley on that boat with some other girls and rich guy holding the camera, but that they didn’t want me to know because they thought I would think less of them. And I can understand why they would have thought that, but the opposite was true. To me, a beautiful woman who refused to use sex to her advantage (in ethical ways of course) was STUPID!
But sex wasn’t my main motivation in life. I’d prefer a talking-only boat trip with any group of Hollywood girls I like to a sexy boat trip with any other girls in the world except maybe... MAYBE... a group of the girls from my past that I loved but never got to sleep with.
So suppose Scarlett Johansson called me and said, “We Jewish MAT Girls want to hire you as a writer, but as far as sleeping with any of us, forget about it. You’re not cute enough for us. But we think your writing is really good and we can make some great movies together, and we also think you’d make an awesome cuddly friend. But you’re not even getting a handjob, and no, you can’t “service” us either, and you’ll have to stay away from those porno girls.”.
But then, while I was considering that proposition, Tori Black called and said, “I read what you wrote about me and it got me soaking wet. That was MY boat in that video and I’ve already lined up boat trips with all your favorite girls in the industry and a bunch more smoking hot girls you’ve never seen. I’ve got plenty of money and you’ll never need anything. And I’m probably even smarter than you think I am. But once you join us, there’s no going back to the regular world.”.
So what would I do? Don’t be silly, Tori—I’m going to Hollywood!
So not that I’ve got such a big ego that I necessarily think you would, but just in case, let me say this: Don’t any of you porn girls just “happen” to show up behind me in line at Target or in the produce section at the grocery store thinking I’m just going to hop in bed with you. I’m not saying that I believe you girls do things like that, or would with me if you did. But I’m not doing anything like that until I find out what’s up with SCARLETT JOHANSSON! But if you want to find me just to talk, that’s cool. But if it turns out that Scarlett doesn’t like me, and these Hollywood girls aren’t into that kind of a good time...
But you know, these Hollywood MAT Girls seem pretty open-minded. Every time I turn on a movie, I see two of them making out with each other. And they are rich enough to afford yachts. Maybe they like sexy boat trips, too. Chances are, at least SOME of them do...OMG.
If it isn’t obvious enough, the “boat trip” thing is a metaphor. A boat is not necessarily my preferred setting for the type of encounter I’m talking about, although for a while last year while homeless, you could find me nearly every day and night sitting by the harbor staring dreamily at Steve Jobs’ incredible mega-yacht Venus and thinking how awesome it would be to get a bunch of Jewish MAT Girls on that boat and take a cruise. Then I thought, all you girls have probably been on that boat already.
In any event, what’s important is not being on a boat, but the particular sexual energy that is present in that scene. A suite in Vegas, one of you girls’ mansions, a rented house in the Swiss Alps, a beachfront resort—all better settings than a boat for me. Although the boat would be fun, too. The ultimate setting for me? In one of the better Frank Lloyd Wright houses. Wingspread, the Hanna House, the Robie house, the Walker House in Carmel, the Allen House in Wichita where I grew up, or of course, the ultimate, Fallingwater...
It was almost over. But there was one last thing. One last thing I had to learn about myself that showed how far I had come, but how far I still had to go. And I had to learn this one last thing from the last girl that I wanted to talk about here, the girl who was born after me, but was always ahead of me...
Later that day after I was watching Laura Coates and Kate Bolduan, the second trilogy of Star Wars movies were on. Because she’s not on TV all the time like Scarlett Johansson and Amanda Seyfried, I haven’t seen Natalie Portman in a while. So despite the fact that I hate these movies, I decide to watch.
I’m watching the overly long and pointless stadium battle scene near the end of Attack of the Clones, where Natalie is wearing that cute little white outfit. After years and years of trying to make myself forget Natalie’s beauty, I can’t help but notice how smoking hot she looks. And I can’t help but notice another thing...
I realize that in all probability, a big part of the reason why I like Tori Black so much is that she reminds me of Natalie Portman. I’d never thought of this consciously, since I’ve actually seen Natalie so rarely in recent years. But it was undeniable. My favorite pornstar was in many ways very similar to the one woman who I refused to think of in a sexual light, the one woman whose blinding beauty I tried to pretend wasn’t there. If pornstars were to some degree proxies for girls who I knew who hid their sexuality from me, Tori Black was the ultimate proxy for the girl whose sexuality I hid from myself.
My immediate reaction to this was an intense emotional revulsion. It made me hate myself, and it made me want to demean Tori. In my head, I could hear myself yelling at me, “HOW DARE YOU! Natalie Portman is a hero and Tori Black is a WHORE! How dare you think of them together in the same thought!”. This was how I felt.
To understand this, you have to understand that twenty years ago, Natalie Portman was to me everything that Scarlett Johansson is today. If I’m honest, more than that.
I admired Natalie Portman in the same way that I had admired John F. Kennedy, except she was alive in the world, and she was beautiful. Her biography reads like those phony press releases the North Korean government used to put out on Kim Jong-il, except it’s all true. “Kim Jong-il played an 18-hole round of golf and he shot a 19”. In high school, Natalie Portman wrote a scientific paper on ‘A Simple Method to Demonstrate the Enzymatic Production of Hydrogen From Sugar’.”. While in college at Harvard, Natalie Portman contributed to a study on “Frontal Lobe Activation During Object Permanence: Data From Near-Infrared Spectroscopy”. She was also Alan Dershowitz’s research assistant. “Huh? What? Are we talking about Natalie Portman...the actress?!?!”.
While doing all this, Natalie was working as a courageous activist, standing up for issues of importance that were oftentimes unpopular. Oh, and she made a few movies, too. I remember back then looking at her picture in a magazine and thinking, “If I was king of the world, I’d marry that woman. But I’ll never be king of the world...”. There was no Ryan Reynolds to make me think I might have a chance.
But there was another thing. I looked at her press and I thought, “Natalie’s too conservative for me.”. Actually, what would be more accurate to say is, I thought I would be too liberal for her. She would have been perfectly fine with me as the conservative girl I thought she was. I somewhat wanted that back then. But I thought that being as conservative as she appeared to be, she’d first of all never marry a man who wasn’t Jewish. Second of all, if I was honest with her about something like the fact I’d watched porn, she’d be judgmental about it. And I definitely thought she’d be judgmental about my dropping out of Stanford given the things she had said about education and her own academic resume. I thought Natalie would be judgmental about the fact that I’d had financial problems because she would see it as meaning I was irresponsible, and she would say, “Well, maybe if you hadn’t dropped out of Stanford...”.
My life had far too many warts to ever dare to dream of her. So I crossed Natalie Portman off my list.
When I say I crossed Natalie Portman off my list, I need to make clear that she was not some distant, inaccessible person to me. I talk like I’m a nobody sometimes as a coping mechanism to deal with where I am in life right now. Most likely Natalie Portman knows who Harvey Gettleson is. Larry Witzer. The late Norman Marcus. All you Jewish MAT Girls probably know them as they are tax attorneys, and it just so happens all Jewish, who have represented lots of Hollywood stars. I worked in their office for about a year back in 1996-97 as a temporary secretary, mailroom boy, file organizer, computer tech and general project gopher. Harvey could be challenging to work with, but I understood the way he was so we got along well. I learned a lot from all those guys.
Now if I’d stopped by Harvey’s office in 2002 and asked to see him, he probably would have seen me. And knowing that I had gone to Stanford, and if I’d told him in 2002 that I was now working for a partner at one of the largest law firms in the world doing patent work for Fortune 500 companies, and having had me work for him briefly and knowing me a little bit, if I’d told him that I found that actress Natalie Portman really interesting, and that I thought it was awesome that she went to Harvard and all that, and could he let her know I’d like to meet her, he probably would have passed that message along to her through an intermediary if he doesn’t know her personally. Indeed, I called Harvey in 2012, after having regrettably never reached out to him since 1997 when I left that job because my self-esteem issues make me so bad at keeping in touch because I think, “Ah, that person probably doesn’t even remember me...”. I left a message with his secretary asking him to help me out with something and he helped me out awesomely.
That’s just one of many paths I could have used to reach Natalie, Scarlett, any of those girls. But back then, I didn’t have the self-esteem to think any Hollywood girl would be interested in me, and back then, before I knew that actors as a group are highly intelligent people, I thought Natalie Portman was the only really smart one. And I did then and still do want a girl who is really smart.
So what did I do? Thinking that Natalie Portman was the most amazing girl in the world but that she was a prize I had no chance of obtaining, I tried to forget how beautiful and desirable she was. I tried to see her for all the things she was except that. I placed her in the heavens above every other woman, too high to be reached by my desire.
So I couldn’t bear that my mind was able to see in a girl who got fucked for a living ANY of the same traits I saw in Natalie. But I knew I was wrong for feeling the way I felt. Somewhere my intellectual math was bad and I had to check it.
I often tell people in the context of presidential elections, the Democratic and Republican candidates always have more in common with each other than they do with you. Even in a contest of apparent extremes like John McCain and Barack Obama: both multi-millionaire Senators, both graduates of elite educational institutions, both married to stylish, highly-educated accomplished women, both fathers of daughters, both authors of best-selling memoirs, both with somewhat transient childhoods that involved living overseas.
As extreme as my mind wanted to make the differences between them, the same was true of Natalie Portman and Tori Black. They were both women who started working in highly visible jobs at a young age. They were both self-made millionaires while still their twenties. They both made their living performing in front of cameras. They both had a better education than is the norm in their fields. They are both, in their own different ways, activists for unpopular ideas. They are both amongst the most successful people EVER in their respective industries. They are both beautiful. They are both mothers. And they are both women that I love.
I saw another video of Tori’s and it kind of broke my heart. It was old, and it was a video of her doing a “cam show”. I dislike these and I would have turned it off as soon as I saw what it was, but I noticed something that grabbed my attention and I kept watching.
She’s on a bed in what is presumably her bedroom, and in this video, like the little interview clip I mentioned from earlier, Tori is not “in character”. She looks different, she talks different, but I also notice, she doesn’t look well. She doesn’t appear to be wearing any makeup. Her hair is not done. And this is the first time I’ve EVER seen Tori without her toenails painted. She looks tired and downtrodden.
She mentions in the video that she has been sick recently, which is somewhat of a relief to know that I’m not just seeing a hidden unpleasant reality of who she is. But I like her, so I feel sad for her that she feels she has to do this when she’s obviously not feeling up to it.
This video simultaneously relieves and saddens me on another point. In it, Tori is talking about how much she likes her small boobs and how she’d never get implants. But she did recently get implants, which almost made me cry just like it almost did when Brianna Love did it. But I’d felt guilty for not liking that she got implants because it’s her body, her life, none of my business. But hearing her say this, I felt relieved in knowing that at least at one time, she agreed with me. But saddened that apparently the inertia of the industry had made her do it. But maybe it wasn’t that. Maybe her body changed in some way she wasn’t expecting, or she changed, and it was her own free choice. I didn’t want to think of Tori being forced into anything. But I knew that pressure was part of all performing jobs and it made me sad. All you girls are so beautiful as you are.
This video made me sad. Here’s Tori with a dildo stuck in her vagina when she should have a thermometer stuck in her mouth. I wanted to put her in a purple Snuggie and feed her chicken soup, not watch her masturbate. Interestingly, she says in the video that she really needs to get laid, and it doesn’t sound like schtick, it sounds like she means it, and I’m thinking, “Wait, that’s EVER a problem for you?!?”. But I’m thinking this video exposes the sickness of porn. The guys watching this webcam feed should have all been saying together, “Tori, you should turn this off and get some rest. We can wait.”.
Was this Tori’s voluntary choice to do, or was someone or something making her? From what I saw, I felt like it was her choice, that her website probably promised webcam shows every Tuesday at 5pm, and it was 5pm on Tuesday so she was going to get up and do it, that she was just that dedicated. How does a girl become a self-made millionaire before the age of thirty? Like that.
As I’m thinking this, something occurs to me. I’m noting the fact that in these two clips where she’s not in character, Tori resembles Natalie a lot less. Was the resemblance to Natalie Portman not incidental? Could it be that Tori saw that there were millions to be made by subtly styling a porn character after an actress perceived as arrogant, aloof, and conservative? Was Tori Black that smart? Or, being the age she was, had Tori been one of those little girls sitting in front of a screen watching Star Wars and thinking, “When I grow up, I want to be just like that girl.”? And who can really say she didn’t come close?
But as I reflected on it, I realized my refusal to see what was alike in Tori Black and Natalie Portman was more about Natalie than it was about me. I felt Natalie would be insulted by the comparison. The voice in my head calling Tori a whore wasn’t me, it was her. I was worried about even talking about Natalie here, concerned that conservative as she was, the mere mention of her name in an article about porn would be offensive. But I thought this Tori-Natalie connection was important to talk about, so I was torn. And then a funny thing happened...
I don’t want people to believe I’ve suddenly become stupidly religious, or that I’ve lost my marbles. I’m still a very down-to-earth practical person. But in the last decade of my life, I’ve had a collection of experiences where I’ve felt that at certain times, there were mysterious forces I couldn’t explain intervening, and pushing me toward the answers I needed.
As I was laying in bed thinking about this, and analyzing what was alike about Tori and Natalie, in my mind I tried to look at their faces, and it was the strangest thing. Even though I’d just watched Star Wars a few hours earlier, I couldn’t remember Natalie Portman’s face. I can’t tell you what an extraordinary thing this is, for a person who has images of millions of faces filed away, to be unable to call up a single image of a girl he’s been watching on screen for over twenty-five years.
I felt compelled to go online and look at her picture to remind myself, but I didn’t want to see her. I felt that all I would see was her looking back at me judging me. And I was afraid of it.
But unable to bear the strangeness of not being able to remember, I had to go remind myself what she looked like. And in the first picture, I saw it. It’s the eyes. Natalie and Tori have the same eyes. Not just the same color. The same look that says, “This person cannot be stopped.”. Now I wonder, is it possible Tori Black could be a naughty Jewish girl??!?
I look at one more picture of Natalie and I notice another thing. Natalie Portman and Amanda Seyfried. They’ve both got the same adorable little thing on the same adorable little place on their adorable little right cheeks. They have matching moles! It’s so cute, I can’t handle it! Scarlett Johansson doesn’t have one :(
But after noticing this adorable triviality, I notice the headline attached to the picture: “ Natalie Portman says playing sexualized characters as a teenage actor made her afraid”. I put my phone down. The headline of this article makes me think it’s going to be Natalie telling me that I’m wrong, Natalie judging me, Natalie expressing conservative views about sex and I might have to scrap this whole piece. So I’m not going to read it.
I’m laying in bed and I’m tired. I’ve been working on this for weeks, and if you’ve read this far, you can imagine how difficult it was. I don’t want to do anything else tonight. But I hear Natalie’s voice in my head like a teacher, or the kind of mother I never had: “Go do your homework...Go do your homework...Go do your homework”.
So I go read the article, and as usual whenever I’m reading something Natalie said, I learn something. In it, Natalie reveals something about herself that is not very surprising. I had suspected it was possible. I’m a little surprised she admitted it. But in contemplating her revelation, I learn something about myself.
The article is a summary of an interview in which Natalie says that playing sexualized characters made her afraid...OF HER OWN SEXUALITY. She goes on to talk about how she deliberately crafted a conservative image to avoid being oversexualized.
I could say I “caught” Natalie in a sense. I had long suspected this might be what she was doing. I knew a lot of girls in entertainment did it. It was the natural response to the sexually predatory nature of that industry and our society. But while I considered this a possibility, I bet against it because I thought, that girl is so courageous that, while she might brilliantly handle the media to show what she wants to show of herself, she’d never project anything that was FALSE. I believed in her too much to think she’d ever do that, so I bet that her apparent conservatism was probably real.
It’s funny, I always thought that Natalie Portman and I were just alike, except she was way better at it than I was. Her quotes in this article are like an Alanis Morissette song—like they’re coming directly out of my head. I said in an earlier piece that I have more in common with Natalie Portman and Amanda Seyfried than with Will Smith and Denzel Washington. It’s true, and there is no better example than the things Natalie says in this interview. Because of my unique life experience, my emotional relationship to life has been less like that of a man, and more like that of a frightened, vulnerable girl. I never thought of myself as being scared of anything. But reading what Natalie said, I realize I was afraid, and to protect myself, I did the EXACT SAME THING that she did.
Look, I don’t want to be a...there is a term for it that I can’t remember, when you try to steal other people’s victimhood. I’ve never been sexually molested in any way. But don’t kid yourself: as a cute green-eyed kid, son of a prominent pastor who was around churches in distant cities surrounded by people I didn’t know, with parents who were never paying attention to where I was or who was around me? Man, I had to be CAREFUL. The Catholic Church is not the only church that has that problem.
Fortunately, I was smart, and my early exposure to sexual material was lucky because I knew enough that nobody was going to get me to do anything I didn’t want to do without using physical force. But no one ever told me anything really about the need to watch out. I had to figure it out on my own. I’m sure the things that I dealt with are nothing like the horrible things some of you MAT Girls had to experience, but I can relate.
And given that it is now in so many cases a matter of public record, I can say what I’ve suspected for many years. Obviously, most of the MAT Girls would experiment with lesbianism. They are in this environment where they are surrounded by all these older men, many of them with questionable motives, and they don’t know who they can trust. A lot of them, because of the money they are making and the unusual life situation they are in, can’t even trust their own parents. So trust being so inextricably linked with intimacy and sexuality as it is for girls, who are they going to turn to? Each other. And that’s NOT hot, it’s sad.
Okay, it’s a little bit hot. But it’s more sad than hot, that beautiful young girls have to turn to each other to feel safe exploring intimacy when it may not be their first or strongest desire to do that. And you wonder why a lot of these girls start drinking and doing drugs.
I was also like Natalie in trying not to appear sexual, though for a man this is done in a different way. I avoided being seen doing overtly masculine acts just like she avoided sexy roles. I didn’t want girls to know that I was physically strong, or good at basketball, or...um...reasonably well equipped. I didn’t want to impress girls with any of that. I wanted to impress them by being smart and being nice. I never talked about sex and let people form the view that I must be a real Puritan or secretly gay. In college, I didn’t proudly declare myself a virgin like an evangelical, but I told enough people that I knew it was certain to get around. Careful to avoid actually lying, I carefully crafted the things I said to make myself appear more conservative...just like Natalie.
Like Natalie, though I never would have put it this way until she said it, I was AFRAID of my sexuality. For a man, these fears are different, but the resultant effect in my behavior was very similar. But here comes the part where maybe...maybe...for once I get to tell Natalie Portman something she may not know. I looked up to her so much that I tried to emulate her conservatism!
I’m sure Natalie thinks constantly about the fact that there are millions of younger girls who look up to her as a role model. But I wonder if she would have ever realized that there would be men older than her who didn’t just want her for her beauty, but looked up to her in the same way those little girls did. Natalie Portman was the kind of person I wanted to be and believed I should be. So when I saw her acting super-conservative, I thought, “Well, Natalie’s probably smarter than me, so is that the better way to be?”.
So Natalie’s choice to portray herself as conservative may have had a self-sabotaging effect that she never considered. Natalie in all probability doesn’t know who I am. She could. But she probably doesn’t. But suppose there was a man like me, a little closer to Natalie’s orbit, who respected and admired her like I did, a man that maybe she would have liked if he’d approached her, but he thought like I did, “She’s too conservative; she won’t like me.”. But then he admired her so much like I did that he started to try to emulate her conservatism, so Natalie, not actually being that conservative saw him and thought, “Well, maybe but he’s too conservative and wouldn’t accept the real me.”. But maybe she admired him also, so seeing him doubling down on being conservative, she did too...
So Natalie, or girls like Natalie, and I, and men like me, became entangled in this feedback loop of trying to outdo one another at being conservative, and smart, and serious, and dismissing our sexuality to the realm of frivolity and irresponsibility because we were afraid. So I never walked over to Harvey Gettleson’s office to ask about her, when maybe Natalie would have wanted me to.
About two years ago when I was working on my Scarlett book, I went to look at Natalie’s bio, and I realized, she had not been married nearly as long as I thought she had. For some reason, I thought I’d remembered her getting married back in the early 2000s. I think I just made this up in my mind so I wouldn’t think about her that way. From stuff I’ve said here about other married women, you can see that in most cases, my attitude about husbands is “yeah, whatever”. But in Natalie’s case, I respected her so much that I assumed she never marry a man who didn’t deserve my respect, so since I thought she was so conservative, I figured he’d be too, so I should show him, and Natalie, the respect of not thinking sexually about his wife.
But since Natalie came out and made these comments, I have to say one little thing that captures the whole point. I’m reading through this article and a few words have a strange and powerful effect on me. They are in the middle of a quote from Natalie where she says “...and you do have your own desire...”.
I realize that just reading these words on a page, not even hearing her say them, and even though she uses the impersonal form “you” instead of saying “I”, just the idea of Natalie Portman admitting she has sexual desires is so hot that my brain censors it. The three sexiest words in the English language I can think of are “Natalie Portman’s desire”, because she was to me the ultimately desirable woman in every way, but she was so good at appearing to be conservative, I would have thought she didn’t have ANY of that kind of desire at all.
I had actually believed Natalie’s act so thoroughly that I thought she was like the sexually repressed evangelical church girls I grew up around who had the view that a righteous woman should suppress her sexuality completely. Obviously foolish as that was to think, that’s what I thought. And the way I acted probably made the women I loved think the exact same thing about me.
I’m surprised that Natalie said these things publicly. I feel it mirrors my decision to write this blog and talk more openly about myself. I think to myself, for once did I figure out something first? For once, did I get ahead of Natalie? But I go back and look and...this article is over a year old. A girl beats me to EVERYTHING!
So I wasn’t done learning. I had a lot more to figure out in relation to why there was still a little part of me that was inclined to respect the less sexual woman more. I had a lot more thinking to do about that. In the end, even though I’d tried to run the other direction, I was still chasing Natalie Portman. Maybe one day I’ll catch up.
One of my weaknesses as a writer is that when I’m working on something that I think is really important, I keep thinking of more and more that I want to add until it goes on forever. I mean that literally—in my mind it goes on forever, as I connect porn, to sexuality, sexuality to culture and politics, culture and politics to evolution and biology, evolution and biology to physics, physics to religion and the contemplation of God and the universe...The theory of everything.
It goes on forever, as I keep thinking of girls in porn whose work has been particularly noticeable to me for some reason, and imagine her knowing somehow that I watch her stuff, reading this and thinking, “Hey, he left me out :(“.
It can drive me to the brink of madness if I don’t accept that there is always going to be a “most important thing that I left out”, which to me is usually a “most important person left out”. But everybody’s important. So I have to cut it off somewhere and find a way to wrap it all up. That somewhere is here.
It wasn’t easy for me to write something like this. My general feeling is still that these are very private things that I’m embarrassed to say so publicly. But we cannot let sexuality be so private that we don’t speak of it. I’m doing what people who live in the public eye often have to do. I’m sacrificing my privacy in an extreme and deliberately shocking way to make an important point that I don’t think can be made any other way.
Sex and love had always seemed like this big, gigantic mystery, a puzzle so complex that as smart as I was, I couldn’t piece it together. But I felt that I’d finally glimpsed a way to make sense of it all.
I finally knew enough about who I was to answer Kayden Kross’ question, “What do you want?”. I’d just show her that tape of Tori, Charley and Alexis Texas and say, “This.”.
But I didn’t need multiple partners or exotic porn sex. I wasn’t against it, but I didn’t need it. All I needed was love. Since I’d been a young boy, girls were the most beautiful and interesting thing in the world to me. And once I realized as a child that we lived in a brutal patriarchy that inflicted so many horrors on these beautiful creatures I loved, I resolved to change it.
I made many mistakes along the way, but I always tried my best to do the RIGHT thing, often at tremendous sacrifice to myself and my own desires. What I wanted was what I had always wanted: For girls to love me the way I had always loved them—mind, body, heart and soul. And that was all there was to it.
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