The Rule, and, The Smoking Hot Perfectest Girl Ever

No, Scarlett Johansson has not been unseated as the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I now need to explain my girl rating system and why I use it so much on this blog. 

In my youth, I was brainwashed by the absurd and dangerous idea that it is somehow bad to praise a woman’s beauty. It’s actually a bizarre and twisted notion when you stop to think about it. Of course, it’s bad to mock the appearance of girls you don’t find attractive, but I don’t have any negative ratings here, only positive ones. The worst rating I have is “not my type”. It is of course also bad to see nothing about a woman EXCEPT her appearance, but I’m not just talking about how smoking hot girls are. I’m talking about their intelligence, their talent and many other things. I love the WHOLE girl. 

I’ve long been fascinated by the phenomenon of “talking dirty” as it relates to sex, and I think I finally understand why we do it and why it excites us. And I’m doing something similar here. You see, as a society, we have so many hang-ups about sex, and we’re so indoctrinated into seeing it as dirty or bad, especially if a woman is sexually liberated, that we really can’t enjoy sex. But if a girl says, “I’m a filthy whore”, by running directly into the hangups you’re thinling about, she turns them off. It’s like the scene in Clear and Present Danger where Jack Ryan advises the president not to downplay his telationship with a corrupt murdered businessman, but to run right into it, leaving critics nowhere to go. So, there are those who say I shouldn’t talk about girls’ appearance? Well, I say girls are SMOKING HOT. Now what?

So my rating system. First of all, cute and hot are two different things. A girl can be both. Cuteness as I mean it is generally associated with a certain kind of personality, but over the course of my life, I’ve noticed that this personality trait often can be accurately assessed visually. Cute girls usually love animals. They will give you a hug if you need one, and they are usually good huggers and good cuddlers. They are rarely mean, unless a situation really calls for it.   So the cuteness rating scale goes like this:

A Little Bit Cute

Kinda Cute

Cute

So Cute

Smoking Hot Cute

Nuclear Smoking Cute

Amanda Seyfried

Hot is different than cute. If a girl is hot, it just means that she is attractive, and it doesn’t necessarily imply anything about her personality. However, for me personally, a girl can be hot for reasons other than how she looks. Really smart girls are hot to me. Girls who have accomplished extraordinary things are hot to me. Although I am human and there are some limits to it, admirable qualities of character make a woman PHYSICALLY attractive to me. Also, if a girl is REALLY well-dressed—hot. 

The hotness scale goes like this:

A Little Bit Hot

Kinda Hot

Hot

Smoking Hot

Nuclear Smoking Hot

Smoking Hot Perfect

Scarlett Johansson

Now, this rating, “smoking hot perfect”, is different from the others. In the last few years of my life, I’ve realized something. For me, there is sort of a speed limit on how attractive a girl can be. That is what smoking hot perfect means—a girl who is at that speed limit. On a day out and about in San Diego, I usually see dozens of them, some days hundreds, say on a crowded day at the beach. 

Scarlett Johansson and this one other girl Jessie are the only ones ever to BEAT smoking hot perfect. I don’t know how they did it. Maybe it’s the lighting in the Aria lobby.  But this rating isn’t exclusive to girls like Scarlett Johansson, Amanda Seyfried, Rhianna or Margot Robbie who are architecturally beautiful by traditional standards. A girl can be smoking hot perfect to me just because she has one amazingly beautiful trait, like the eyes of that cute chubby Jewish girl I saw on the bus the other day. A certain kind of VOICE that I love can make a girl smoking hot perfect almost no matter what she looks like. The practical definition of smoking hot perfect is that in a relationship with such a girl, I’d never be unsatisfied for any aesthetic reason. She’d never have to worry about any other girl as long as she was nice to me and we were otherwise compatible. 

But amongst smoking hot perfect girls, there is one type of girl that holds a unique fascination for me. Everybody knows the old homophobic joke, “A man can build ten thousand bridges and suck one cock and he’s not a bridge-builder: he’s a cocksucker.”. Well, given our society’s phobias about race and sex, a similar maxim applies to dating. A Black man can date ten thousand Black girls, but if he dates one White girl, then he’s “the Black guy who likes White girls”. I’ve been perceived as such, mainly because I spent most of my adult life romantically pursuing June, who not only looks the part of your stereotypical blonde, blue-eyed White girl, but has a name to match.  So I’ve actually got a degree of insecurity about saying that I find a blonde White girl attractive, to the point that I worry I’ve mentioned too many of them on this site snd that people won’t notice the diversity of my taste. Eventually, I’m going to get around to writing about anti-blonde discrimination in our society. It’s a real thing. It’s still socially acceptable to tell “dumb blonde” jokes. Stop and think about that. 

But anyway, in reality, the list of girls that I’ve seriously liked is as diverse as a UN meeting. It includes a Bosnian girl, a Palauan girl, two Indian girls, several Black girls, a lot of Latina girls, ...and one half-Jewish, half-Swedish girl. Actually, perhaps half of the girls I’ve really really liked were ethnically mixed like Scarlett. And though it doesn’t really count in America, so am I. Because, unlike most Black people, I relate to my complex ethnic heritage, I think I relate well to girls who have complex ethnic backgrounds. I’m 28% European, so Scarlett Johansson is only 22% more White than me. 

But with that said, this particular type of girl that I’m talking about is White (or sometimes Jewish), and usually blonde, although I saw one with dark hair just yesterday. This girl is taller than average and not at all thin. These girls have an athletic body type that most necessarily includes shapely legs that are somewhat muscular  Girls who play volleyball or tennis, or who rollerblade a lot often have the body type I’m talking about. But I don’t mean girls who are ripped. These girls I mean have at least a little fat on top of their muscle, and many of them could be described as “one cheeseburger away from chubby”. But their physical stature conveys an overall impression of solidity. 

Although this body type is the main thing that defines the girl I’m talking about, there is more. These girls are usually a LITTLE bit tomboyish, sort of girl-jocks who don’t wear a lot of makeup (or none at all) and don’t particularly like dressing up. They usually have a pretty dark tan. They almost always wear their hair in a straight, plain style, though it is usually long. And I didn’t think of it until I was writing this, but they almost never have tattoos, which are getting to be maybe more common than not with girls 40 and under, at least around here. 

One of the other things that defines these girls is that they NEVER seem interested in me at all. I think this may have all started with a girl named Sarah that I went to high school with. She was a cheerleader, a disgusting cliche, but she didn’t really have the stereotypical cheerleader look. She was kind of different-looking and I don’t think she was necessarily high on other guys’ radar but I don’t know because I didn’t have those kinds of conversations with other guys in high school. But I had the impression that she disliked me, though I have no evidence for that. Even though we had a few classes together, I’m not sure we EVER spoke. As I said, I felt like she didn’t like me, and she never looked my direction, which is par for the course for this type of girl. 

These girls are not rare, at least not in San Diego. On a sunny Saturday at the beach, I might see a few dozen girls who answer pretty well to this description. I’m not sure what it is, but I feel like there is something I need to learn from one of these girls. When I see one of them, I feel unbelievably strong attraction combined with a feeling of hopelessness that there is some cosmic reason it will never happen. And it’s funny because this type of girl is the only type that overrides a certain trait I’ve developed. For me, attraction is based on mutuality. If I look at an attractive woman, and she gives me an obvious look of dismissal or disinterest, my attraction to her goes off like a light-switch. But if she smiles or looks interested, my attraction grows stronger.  But these particular girls, these Sarahs, I remain attracted to them despite their typical apparent disinterest in me. 

I get looks of apparent interest from some of the smoking hottest girls in the world, many of whom would be considered by the average guy to be way hotter than these girls. I’m not sure what those looks actually mean, because I’ve so rarely ever talked to a girl who gave me that look. I always assume it doesn’t really mean anything, but I don’t know. Maybe its something about these girls where they don’t check guys out like that. I don’t know because I’ve never had a social relationship with any of these girls, either. Maybe that is why I’m so fascinated with them. In any case,  these girls NEVER look. Well, one did...

A few weeks ago (I believe it was September 8 around 4pm), I saw the most idealized example of this type of girl that I’ve ever seen—the smoking hot perfectest. She was walking down the boardwalk with her friend. She was wearing an olive-coliored t-shirt and Birkenstocks. The t-shirt hung down just far enough to make it uncertain whether she was wearing anything underneath, although I’m sure she had a bikini on...I would think. She had long straight blonde hair and the most beautiful legs I’ve ever seen. She was wearing a mask, so I didn’t see her face, but one of the things about this type of girl is that I almost always think they are cute no matter what the general opinion might be about their face. Which reminds me, a lot of these girls have pimples, which can be hot, especially on them. 

If someone passes you on the boardwalk, there is about a 50/50 chance they’ll come back by. I sat where I was about thirty minutes longer than I would have otherwise, waiting to see if she would return. Finally, she did.  Girls do lots of little things that a typical guy may not notice. When she came back, she passed unnecessarily close to where I was sitting, walking on the left side of her friend, going against the normal flow of boardwalk traffic so that she passed right in front of me, a few feet away. In Scarlett-like fashion, as she passed, in the middle of conversation with her friend, she turned her gray eyes in my direction and peeked. Wait, they never look!  Just like with Scarlett, I can’t remember her friend at all. I think the friend was wearing white. 

Now, I don’t want to make out like this was the same kind of thing that happened when I saw Scarlett. NOT AT ALL! I didn’t fall in love with this girl or anything. And her look was not earth-shaking to me like Scarlett’s. She did not strike me as one of the most important people in the world like Scarlett did. She just struck me as fantastically cute and so smoking hot perfect that I couldn’t believe it.

As I’ve said, I feel pretty sure Scarlett knows about this blog by now, so I’m not sitting around waiting for her. She is engaged after all. If I meet somebody else, I’m AVAILABLE, and then if Scarlett really is watching and waiting, she’d have to do something if she likes me. So if I weren’t homeless and everything else, would I have chased this girl down to talk to her? YES! But she knows who she is. Maybe she’ll read this one day. I’ve learned patience. Life is long. But given this mask thing, it wouldn’t be as easy to find her. 

I keep mentioning random girls I see on this blog as a way of building history.  I’ll talk about this more in the upcoming post, “Everything I Know About Physics, I Learned From Girls”.  But basically, assuming things don’t ever go my way with Scarlett, I’m of course not planning to spend the rest of my life single because my Scarlett moment was so special to me. Or if my miracle does happen, but Scarlett actually demands NON-monogamy from her man, and this blog ever goes viral, and these girls I have mentioned remember me too, our story already started. It’s like a game. Much more fun than Where’s Waldo. 

I try to give similar celebrity examples so people will know what I mean when I describe certain girls, but I have a hard time coming up with one in this case, because almost all you entertainment girls are small. Actually, there is one celebrity girl I know who substantially answers to the general description I’m talking about: Lindsey Vonn. Fucking Tiger Woods. You’re killing me, man.

I always root for you, us being from the same college class and both fans of Stern Late Night.  After your first little scandal, I even wrote a piece on my website somewhat defending you. Hey, I get it. I like restaurant servers, too Those girls work hard. But you went to Stanford also, so I know you’re smart and you know that it matters how things look. When a Black guy is doing White girls who look like THAT in that particular fashion, it makes us look SO bad. 

SCARLETT’S FRIENDS

(skeptically)

I don’t know. You see what happened the last time a Scandinavian girl married an approximately Black guy from the Stanford Class of 98. And at least that one was a billionaire with nice abs...

I know, I know, the White guys on the PGA tour were doing the same stuff and nobody cared. And you’re not Black, you’re Cablanasian. People made fun of you for that, but I get it. I’m Cabla-Irish myself. But America is America. And after having supposedly learned your lesson, you cheated on Lindsey with a HOOKER?!?  Is that true?!? Seriously, bro? 

I know I know, for you celebrity guys, an expensive prostitute is safer than a girl from a bar. Maybe you learned that lesson the first time. And I know, monogamy’s a big joke and nobody practices it, including girls. Maybe you told both Lindsey and Elin how you get down and they lied to themselves about it. Hey man, I get it. I’ve met a couple of hookers liked too. But how about waiting a FEW DAYS until you get home to your smoking hot girlfriend? I know, I know, I’ve got no idea how big a pain in the ass she is. I have no idea how hard and stressful your job is. I had a girlfriend from Minnesota who was a pain in the ass and NOT smoking hot like Lindsey, who had friends hotter than hell and seemingly wiling and I didn’t cheat. So cry me a fucking river. But go win a few more majors so I can stop hearing about Jack Nicklaus. Put a proper Grand Slam on them in 2021!

Anyway, enough about Tiger. It doesn’t seem to have traumatized Lindsey too badly, since when I Google image searched to confirm that she fits the profile I’m talking about, I see she is or was dating another Black guy. OMG, she’s SO smoking hot. Hey Lindsey, if it doesn’t work out for me with Scarlett and it doesn’t work out for you with that guy, I’m AVAILABLE! I know you dated a Black guy from the Stanford Class of 98 before and it didn’t work out, but I dated a blonde White girl from the Twin Cities and that didn’t work out either. But I know you’re not her, and I’m not Tiger. Third time’s a charm?

So that brings us to The Rule. What is The Rule? From Scarlett’s Marvel Universe comes a maxim that I believe in very deeply: With great power comes great responsibility. If you girls are going to become the leaders of this society, you’re going to have to start taking responsibility for things that you have traditionally left up to men. That is the one point that I believe women need to improve upon before they’ll be ready to officially take over the reigns of the world: they have to get rid of the instinct to look for a man to hide behind when times get tough. 

Girls in entertainment (including athletics) get this more than others, because they have to stand up and answer for their own careers.  But a lot of your everyday girls are still wanting to play both sides against the middle, to have a higher level of power in society, but to preserve patriarchy in the few areas and instances where it can benefit a woman. This won’t work. 

It is my view that there is no greater step toward ending patriarchy that women can take than reversing the traditional relationship roles...completely. The women I’ve always found most attractive are smart, successful women, leaders in their own lives and in the world. They actually need the same thing that rich, powerful men traditionally wanted: someone to be their loyal supporter. 

But we shouldn’t reverse the relationship roles and have women doing the bad things to men that men do to women. With the reversal, we should establish a better paradigm where women prove they can be better leaders than men have been. Rather than DOMINATION with the man as the leader, the new relationship paradigm should be COLLABORATION, with the woman as the leader. To that end, unlike the traditional rich guy’s wife, I wouldn’t marry one of these rich girls to sit around their mansion and do nothing. Against my will, I’ve been sitting around doing nothing for the last seven years and I hate it!  If I were to marry, say, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, my goal would be to be the most spectacular resource that she has ever had in her life. My dream would be that she would one day say, “I don’t know how I ever did without you.”. But I want to be that for whatever girl I’m with, whether she’s rich and famous like Scarlett, or poor and anonymous like me. 

But if relationship roles are going to change, it has to start at the beginning. I’ve been telling women for years, if you only wait for guys to ask you out, you’re mostly going to get the worst guys. The guys who don’t mind talking to a hundred girls to get one to say “yes” are not affected by rejection because they are just not that into you. They don’t care. Those of us who are reluctant to talk to girls, it’s usually because we have more emotionally invested in our hopes for what will happen. Letting men be the choosers gives men all the power, and it encourages aggression, womanizing and patriarchy. 

I understand the historical/evolutionary reasons why women approach this the way they do. In the past, in the jungle, in the pre-industrial era, a man HAD to be a risk-taker. So women built artificial risk into the courtship process to test for this trait. But rewarding the biggest risk-takers with their affection encouraged toxic masculinity, and that leads right up to today when the majority of guys believe that acting like a jerk is the best way to attract girls and they are often right. This has to change. 

Women have to end the “nice guys finish last” paradigm and start rewarding the good guys with their attention and affection and shunning the jerks...no matter how nice their abs are. We’ll go to the gym if you ask us to, but you always kept lying to us telling us that we were the superficial ones and you didn’t care about a man’s looks. You think I wouldn’t try to get in the best shape possible if I was with one of these smoking hot girls?  You see I’ve been working on it. I’d have done it years ago if I knew it mattered to GOOD girls. And just like rich guys having their wives get cosmetic surgery, I’d do that too. But like the rich guys, you have to pay for it!

But if any of this is to change, women have to take the lead in relationships. Pick out the guy you like who has the traits you want to vote for in the world, and talk to him. Don’t just stand in his path and wait for him to talk to you. Don’t just say “hi” and leave all the pressure on him to take the next step. Be the one to ask us out, to tell us you are interested. You be the one to call and ask if we want to hang out. You be the one to ask for affirmative consent. Maybe even you be the one to get down on one knee and ask us to marry you!  Or we can get rid of that, and you can ask looking at us face-to-face, as equals. 

So my rule is this: Scarlett Johansson is the last girl that I will make the first move with. This blog is me maki g the first move. And if I see Scarlett again in public, I’m going to try to correct my unforgivable error from before and I’m going to go try to talk to her. That is the significance I’ve assigned to that moment when I saw her and should have talked to her but didn’t. I still owe her that if I ever am so lucky as to have the chance again. She deserves her chance to say, “I have a boyfriend” or “I’m engaged”, or maybe to say, “Here’s my number...the one I answer.”. Maybe she’ll say, “Do you want a job?”!  But she knows where I stand, and that I’m here to do pretty much anything (good) for her, so she could be super-awesome and talk to me first!

But as for the rest of you girls, I’ll of course have ordinary conversations with you. I’ll speak to you first in routine social situations where I might speak to a man. I’ll talk on this blog about how smoking hot a lot of you are. But if you want to date or marry me, you’re going to have to say at least the first words that move things in that direction. You’re going to have to take the leap to side with me, just like I’ve taken the leap by rejecting Boy World to side with you. All you have to do is say, “Would you like to get together sometime?”. How hard is that?