Jewish Girls Are In Violation of the Geneva Convention

The Geneva Convention specifically forbids torture, but Jewish girls are TORTURING me with their cuteness. And during the High Holy Days, no less. 

San Diego has a large Jewish community. I think the third largest in America after LA and New York. But all these girls that I think are Jewish can’t be, unless every Jewish girl in the world moved to San Diego to follow me around and giggle at me—The Goy Boy Groupie. 

These cute Jewish girls are everywhere!  And it’s SOOO frustrating because I only need ONE girl, just one!  There has got to be one of you that would like me, if only you’d TALK to me. Start a conversation about ANYTHING!  I can intelligently discuss everything from your cousin Albert Einstein’s physics work to the movie work of all your smoking hot little cousins up in Hollywood. 

I have a rule. I’m going to be posting about it soon. If you girls are really serious about ending patriarchy and misogyny, if you’re really serious about wanting a female-led future, then you must start being the ones to make the dating pitch instead of sitting back and putting the pressure on guys to do it. You’re the ones who say “yes” or “no”, so pick out the guy you want to say yes to and talk to him. And I don’t mean saying “hi”. Be the one to say, “Do you want to have lunch/dinner/hang out?”. I don’t know. Maybe this is already happening and I just haven’t been picked yet. Misogyny and patriarchy don’t SEEM to be problems in the Jewish community to the same extent that they are in the Gentile world, so when you girls like a Jewish guy, you probably just tell him, right?  But you aren’t sure about me yet, or else you’re just bored enough to amuse yourselves by playing this game. 

So the other day, I’m on the bus, and these three cute Jewish girls get on. I’m SURE these girls were Jewish. Vegas betting window: all-in. They were a perfect example of one of the things that is awesome about Jewish girls: they were each a completely different flavor of hot. One of them was Hollywood-size with dark hair and dark eyes and that “take my picture, please” look. She is in charge of this group. One was tall, thin and blonde and has probably tried modeling. The third one was pleasantly chubby with that beautiful thick frizzy brown hair that is a dead giveaway and stunningly beautiful eyes. She’s wearing a mask but her eyes are smiling at me. Probably none of the three of them would expect me to think so, but she’s the cutest one. The one thing I like about the mask is that cute girls make me go all giggly, and normally I have to hold it in, but if I have a mask on, I don’t have to. 

These three girls are sitting shoulder to shoulder in three seats facing the center aisle. There is a young Black guy sitting across from them who starts talking to them. He seems like a nice enough young man (although you never know with men), but like almost all boys, he’s just so dumb. When I was younger, I didn’t notice that women always have to struggle through casual conversations with men, but men just say one dumb thing after another, or repeatedly pepper girls with boring, irrelevant questions, grasping to find something that will catch the girl’s interest. 

One of the many awesome things about Jewish girls is that they will help you when you are trying to have a conversation with them. When you are trying to start a conversation with a Gentile girl, they generally won’t help you out at all. Gentile women seem to deliberately make comversing with them a chore, even if they like you. Jewish girls, on the other hand, will generally try to help you to have an intelligent conversation with them, probably because having intelligent conversations is part of Jewish culture as it is a part of my personal culture. Jewish girls don’t seem to play the conversational games that define almost all male-female interactions in the Gentile world. And that is what I mean when I talk about authenticity and that is part of what makes them so SMOKING HOT!

So these girls are trying to help this boy, but he just really doesn’t have much to say. He sees some cute girls and he’s trying to attract their attention. One of them mentions that they are going to school at SDSU. He asks them what they are studying. One of them says, “kinesiology”. He not only doesn’t know what that is, he doesn’t know the WORD. He asks her to repeat it three times, and then asks what it is. I wonder, does this boy know these girls are Jewish?  Probably not. He probably just thinks they’re White girls. They are struggling so hard to be nice and not let on to him that he is boring them. The kind of conversation he is having with them works on young San Diego White girls if they think you’re cute, but Jewish girls generally demand a little more substance. 

I have a rule. I never interrupt a guy when he’s trying to give his pitch to a girl. It’s rude. But I’m sitting right there, and I’m so tempted to say something obscure to them that he won’t get, to let them know I’m observant enough that I know the difference between a Jewish girl and a White girl. “Do you ever eat jelly donuts in December?” leaps to mind. 

I get off the bus at Mission Beach, and the girls get off also.  The boy stays on. They are walking behind me. We all stop to wait for the crosswalk and I’m SO tempted to say something to them, but I don’t. I’ve got my rule. If one of them had just said “Hi”, I’d have talked to them.

But they were too young for me anyway. Although, I’m thinking if Scarlett won’t marry me, I may need to reevaluate my age restrictions. Scarlett (or certainly Natalie Portman) at 21 was probably more mature in a lot of ways than I am now, so I probably shouldn’t automatically exclude all girls under 30. And it would seem that significant age differences in relationships are not as frowned upon in the Jewish community. But I’m going to hold out until you girls talk to ME!  I know you will. The next time I see a MAT Girl I recognize who doesn’t look busy, I’ll talk to HER. I’ll ask her for a job! But because of what they have accomplished, I will break my rule for them. So, Scarlett, if you like me, you’d better come get me before one of your cousins does!

I wish one of you would just march over here in your Birkenstocks and ask me out to lunch or something.  The malls are open again!  I know it would be a rare treat for you to be able to talk to a smart boy who isn’t your cousin. And even your cousins probably don’t want to spend a whole afternoon in Sephora with you telling you which perfumes they like the most. Did Scarlett put the word out that you can’t talk to me, like I’m her back-up plan? Come on, forget about Scarlett!  Your smoking hot cousin is too busy, too rich, too famous and too engaged to be worried about what I’m doing.  But hey, even if I am on her radar somehow, you can do Scarlett a favor and, like, check me out for her to make sure I’m cool.  

But, I also want to make clear to all the non-Jewish girls in the world, I’m still SINGLE AND LOOKING (but not TALKING...first). Scarlett hasn’t called and Jewish girls haven’t adopted me yet, and there are plenty of beautiful, awesome Gentile girls in the world. You could talk to me to, you know! Especially like if you’re a Latina girl who is smart and educated and cute. Yo hablo espanol!

There is this one particular Target store that almost always has a lot of cute probably-Jewish girls there. I was there today. I can’t stand it! Seriously, if you girls don’t cut it out, I’m going to come to the Jewish community center and tell your grandparents what you’re doing to me! What? It’s closed?  Probably for the best, because I really don’t want you to stop. It’s torture but I must be crazy—I love it!  You’re sooo cute! One day, one of you is going to talk. SPOILER ALERT: I hope it’s Scarlett.