Miley Cyrus Rocks!
Like millions of Americans, I’ve been ordering a lot of food delivery these last few months. DoorDash, Grubhub, Uber Eats, Postmates. I have all these apps on my phone. They’re all more or less the same. They want you to pay the monthly fee and I’m not going to pay ALL of them, so I mainly use DoorDash because their iPhone app is way superior to the others that all look like they were built by the same firm and the interface kinda sucks.
But I use then all on occasion because none of them has every restaurant. It’s annoying. I started using Postmates last because I was dying for a Carl’s Jr. Double Western burger and Postmates was the only one who had them. A few days later, I open my email, and I have one from Postmates that says “$5 Off From Miley Cyrus”. I think “Miley Cyrus? WTF?”.
So, I LOVE Miley Cyrus. She’s so awesome. Years ago, I was flipping through one of those celebrity rags and it had a quote from her, Miley Cyrus on her sexuality: “I’m literally open to every single thing that is consensual and doesn’t involve an animal.”. Somewhat like what has happened with Scarlett so often, I thought, “Wow, I can’t believe she said that.”.
I’ve got a few more conditions than that (and I’m guessing she probably does too), but on this blog and in my life, despite my personal conservative behavior, I’ve been pounding the table that this society needs to get over all of our sexual repression and hang-ups. Miley’s out there fighting the good fight on this and she’s winning!
But apart from that, she seems like such a kind, compassionate, sensitive person. And this combination of traits makes her SO smoking hot! Since I’m single, and no Jewish girl, nor any other girl, has yet accepted my general marriage proposal, and since all the Jewish MAT Girls I love most are either married or engaged or lesbian, and since Miley said what she said, I don’t suppose ANYBODY can get mad at me if I admit that if I sat down and made a list of the most awesome things that I can imagine doing, having sex with Miley Cyrus would be pretty high on that list. I’m probably not her type. Then again, I’m not an animal and I would certainly consent...
But anyway, helping us all out with $5, plus donating a dollar to charity is typical of Miley’s awesomeness. And I could really use the $5 right now, too! I know its probably not really HER money exactly, but it kinda is because she could have chosen to do a different endorsement campaign that would have put this cash in her pocket.
So right now, I am enjoying barbecue ribs and beef brisket from Dickey’s with a little help from Miley Cyrus! Miley might be a little mad at me that I used her five bucks to order meat as I believe I recall reading that she is vegan. I actually had converted to a vegetarian diet about two years ago, but had to suspend it because its too expensive and I can’t afford it right now. Plus, being homeless, I don’t have a kitchen to make my own food, and that also makes a vegetarian diet very difficult. At first, I actually tried vegan, but you girls weigh like 100 pounds and I weight 240 and have a lot of muscle mass. I just physically couldn’t eat enough calories and protein without eggs and cheese, plus the supplements you need on a vegan diet are expensive.
But every time I eat meat now, especially pork, I imagine Amanda Seyfried giving me a judgmental look. I don’t know that she’s vegan, but I’d bet on it. It would be consistent with her apparent personality. I intend to return to my vegetarian diet as soon as I can afford it again. I’ll do some research and find the most humane source for my eggs and cheese. Hopefully, the animals will forgive me for this period necessitated by my fellow humans being jackasses.
Amanda and Miley might be mad at me, but Scarlett is probably in the back seat of a Bentley parked on a side street in Manhattan eating bacon cheeseburgers with Colin right NOW...Bet on the board in Vegas: How many times in her life has Natalie Portman knowingly eaten pork? The over/under is set at 1.5. I’ll take the UNDER. Though, I don’t know. I recently read a shocking article about the amount of pork consumed in Israel. Maybe a lot of Jews have come around to my view: “God gave us ovens and stoves so that we can enjoy the deliciousness of bacon safely.”. Maybe it’s Natalie in that Bentley eating bacon cheeseburgers with Scarlett...that’s so hot.
But back to Miley Cyrus, who may be my favorite Gentile MAT Girl. I don’t know, there are so many of them that are so great...Drew Barrymore, Brooke Shields. Did you guys know Brooke Shields went to Princeton? How smoking hot is THAT!?!
Oh, I guess the idea here was that Miley wanted us all to go listen to her new song “Midnight Sky”, so since I took her $5, I’d better go do that...
Before now, as much as I like Miley Cyrus (I’ll say “like” because she just told me she doesn’t need to be loved by me), if you’d asked me to name a Miley Cyrus song for my life, you might as well have started making my funeral arrangements. I remember the one video from forever ago where she had brown hair and is outside with a bunch of people, but I don’t remember that song. Oh wait, I know Wrecking Ball. My life is saved! Midnight Sky is cute enough. Lots of pretty colors in the video. And Miley looks smoking hot as always. But her music is not why I like her, just like Natalie and Scarlett’s movies are not why I like them.
This barbecue tastes to much better knowing it was a gift from Miley. My life may turn around tomorrow, and I may be able to go back to my vegetarian diet, so this may be the last barbecue I ever eat. That is kind of a big deal because I was born in Texas, grew up in Kansas, and I’m approximately Black, so barbecue has been a huge part of my life both in a culinary and social sense. One day, the Beyond Meat people will produce imitations of steak and ribs as good as their burgers and sausage are, so maybe I’ll abstain from barbecue from now on so that I can say that the last time I ever had it, Miley Cyrus bought it for me! Thanks, Miley! You’re so cute!
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