Thank you, Mark Ronson

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For much of my life, I've been confused about certain aspects of my sexuality.  I've always known I liked girls, but I knew I was different from other heterosexual identifying men, who seemed to me to hate women.  I didn't identify with straight male culture at all, ever.  From time to time I hung out with a small circle of straight guys, mostly Stanford types, but I never felt completely comfortable around them.

Mark Ronson, who I hear about everywhere but I actually do not know his music, recently stated that he identifies as "sapiosexual", meaning someone whose attraction is primarily driven by intelligence rather than gender or any other factor.  I am definitely a sapiosexual too,  and like Mark I did not know that there was a word for it.  It is good to have a word to describe what you are, because it tells you that there are others who are with you, and it tells others who you are with.

I see beautiful women everywhere all the time, but my appreciation for beauty is separate from what I find fulfilling, not just in relationships, but in friendships, even just in casual conversation.  Intelligence has always been my number one turn-on and all the girls I've loved were super-smart.  I would often find myself confused looking at certain women and thinking, "Wow, she's smoking hot, but why don't I feel anything?"  It's because I'm looking for smart not hot, but hey, it's not like I'm AGAINST hot!

Because so many of the women I loved were also beautiful on top of being smart, I let others convince me that I was superficial and only looking for a pretty girl, even though I knew deep down this wasn't true.  I wish I had been able to say, "I'm sapiosexual.  It just so happens a lot of the smartest girls are also beautiful." But because I had never heard the term, of course I couldn't use it.  This is an important lesson for me, and I think for all of us.  We need to be able to DEFINE what drives us, define who we are.  It's hard work and it isn't easy, if you are different.  But that is what it takes to light the way for others like you.

I realize now, the smarter that I learn a woman is, the more beautiful she becomes to me.  This girl named Jessie who I said was the most beautiful woman I'd ever known until I saw Jane Galt in Vegas, I did not perceive her that way when I first met her.  She slowly grew more and more attractive as I got to know her, to the point where I could feel a force like gravity pulling me toward her.  When I found out she got her college degree, after years of struggling working demeaning jobs, its good she wasn't standing in front of me right then, because I'm not sure I could have handled how beautiful she would have been.  I could barely stand it before. If I could get Jessie and Jane in the same room at the same time, I don't know...it might be close.  That would be a GOOD day.

I will also add, that while I have so much unstarted business with girls, now that I have completely distanced myself from toxic manhood and homophobia, I must admit I have seen a few gay guys that are kind of cute, though I don't know how many lifetimes it will be before I would be ready to consider having sex with a man.  But hey, now that I have all the toxic straight men out of my life I can say, never say never.

But there are a LOT of girls in line in front of the first man.  With that said, I know a lot of LGBTQ women, but I don't have any close relationships with any out gay or bisexual men.  I think that gay-friendly straight men and straight-friendly LGBTQ men need to have a summit to discuss how we can start to hang out with each other comfortably, and set forth a plan for removing homophobia from our culture through social interaction.

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